This infuriates me
When you have a crazy BM who has poured her poisonous crazy goo all over her kids, can you ever 100% free yourself of the toxic fumes?
SD has apparently been whining to DH about driving 8-9 hours to watch 4 yo OGS play baseball next month. I normally don't give a crap about DH visiting; he doesn't go that often. But SD has 4 kids in her house, three under the age of 5, and she is anti-vax. And there's the measles outbreak in TX (apparently has spread to NM now). (SD is not in either state.)
SD and her mother totally bought into the COVID conspiracies. They are anti-vax and were anti-mask. SD caught COVID when pregnant and kept that from DH (her husband accidentally let that out). The fact that she wasn't hospitalized fed into her beliefs. Meanwhile, I had a cousin who died of it and two closer family members who were hospitalized with it who we were so afraid would die.
DH has a compromised immune system; therefore, he's going to get titers drawn before visiting the F'ING NUTS to ensure that he is protected from childhood diseases that his grandkids are not protected from.
In what world is this normal?!?! When is enough crazy enough, I ask?
These are people I would never ever choose to have in my life--their fake Christianity (and I do mean fake. . . they are by no means "normal" Christians), conspiracy-driven lives, their cult.
I am disgusted and angry. I was doing so well with ignoring these stupid POS until Dh's health crisis in late 2023. Last spring, I cut the final cord with them (social media). I felt like I was returning to my place of peace without them in my . . . atmosphere. And this...this sent me spinning.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have envisioned I'd be married to a man with such an ignorant, vile failed former family, one that he continues to "excuse."
I need to somehow detach again.
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It's frustrating that people
It's frustrating that people that are supposed to care about you are not able to be more mindful.
Personally, I probably stand a bit in the middle on things like vaccinations.. I think there are definitely those that have been time tested like measles etc.. that are likely as safe as anything.
I am a little less confident in more recent versions and their relative effectiveness against a virus that was rapidly mutating.
I'm also not particularly confident that masking does much of anything the way most people are using them. .. and in some cases, it may give a somewhat false sense of security.
So, what I do is.... avoid people during times that there is a high likelihood of infections and bugs going around.
Shopping at 7 am when the store first opens.. not having large family get togethers that include the multigenerational exposure to primary school kids.
But, what I also do is assume that others are not being respectful.. and so do what I feel is needed to protect myself.
In the end.. while it's frustrating that his daughter is doing this.. the testing he is doing is good in that it will give him the knowledge to use in the more general situation.. he may know his daughter is anti-vaxx.. no way to know the status of the other people he may be in contact with.. so knowing his status risk is actually helpful in that sense too.
I know that vaccinations have
I know that vaccinations have changed since I was young. If a parent turned down some vaccinations, I wouldn't think a thing of it. But, yes, as you say, there are the time-tested vaccinations that have nearly eradicated diseases (they thought polio was mostly GONE just a few years ago) and saved millions of lives. I think we can "overdo" it with anything, so I never criticize people for really looking into things (and I don't mean just watching YouTube videos).
Since the medical profession/community stands by masking in certain situations, I trust them--even (or especially) if it means to simply help protect an elderly person who is going through chemo (I was shocked that I was not even allowed to give my elderly aunt flowers--because of the flowers, not the visit--when she was undergoing chemo). Also, my poor husband took one of the first flights after the mask mandate was dropped and ended up sick as a dog with COVID. We couldn't believe it!
My motto that I try to live by in life is BALANCE.
You are always a voice of calm and reason, and I need that now, because my emotions are so focused on ANGER at this time. I have to shake this!
Thank you.
The good thing is your
The good thing is your husband is at least aware of the risk.. and is taking steps to mitigate it for himself and you by extension. Unfortunately.. my MIL insists on frequent visitation from her great grand kids.. who are school age.. despite the fact that she has gotten gravely ill at least once a year recently.. they are in their 80's.. and any one time could be "it".
SD is a adult and can believe and do
What she wants. DH must understand being close to his DD is no good fir. His health. SD has to in rolled OGS in a traveling team. And is paying for it. She knew that some games are 8 hours away. Don't listen to her,
Disengage from this dysfunctional family. Your life will be better
I have disengaged. I need to
I have disengaged. I need to mentally disengage again. I have to!
You have my sympathy.
You have my sympathy.
"When you have a crazy BM who has poured her poisonous crazy goo all over her kids, can you ever 100% free yourself of the toxic fumes? " In my view - no NO!!! I cope with my own DH trying to tell me I should have got over BM's behaviour by now as she hasn't misbehaved too much in the last 5/10 years. Yesterday was SD's 30th birthday (I am estranged from her) and he drove to London - a 2 hr journey - had lunch with SD, her sister, SD's boyfriend, his brother and parents and last but not least, NPD BM!. BM sat in our car to get driven to the restaurant from SD's place. I have trouble with this - that utter piece of trash sitting in my place, next to DH. Grrrrr! 2 SDs and SD's bf in the back - one big happy family. I couldn't sleep last night and felt ill.
I am here growling with and
I am here growling with and for you! I am so sorry!
We are lucky in that BM here has basically run when she has encountered DH (when he has shown up at SD's house early). She finally gave up a while back. I think she hates him.
"BM sat in our car to get
"BM sat in our car to get driven to the restaurant from SD's place." Gross, I would feel the same way Kes.
No matter how batsh*t crazy BM is I do think there has to be some level of modeling civility on a DH's part but when SM can't be there too because of BM's crazy, these DH's shouldn't be engaging in this level of interaction with the ex. BM can get her own ride. Being cordial is enough.
My DH has attended many a SD related event without me there. I am sure there has been a level of playing "happy family" going on. In many ways for my own mental peace, it's better that I have not been there to witness it in person. DH can't stand BM so I know there is nothing to rekindle.
What I have found is that dealing with the insane ex and SD's soon reminds DH of why he couldn't take living that life anymore. He runs home to me feeling grateful and relieved to be in a mutually beneficial, give and take, relationship. It is very eye-opening for him without me having to say a thing.
I would still prefer he have ironclad boundaries but ultimately that is his problem to figure out, not mine. Boundaries are not his strong suite, hence the reason we are in this mess of diablas being bratzillas. At least now that they are adults all significiant financial ties are cut. There are lingering ties which DH says he will terminate soon, such as YSD's car is still on DH's insurance and that car is currently being stored at BM's house while YSD is out of the country. When BM needs to "borrow" a car I am sure she uses YSD's car as her personal vehicle. I think it's stupid but it's not a hill I am willing to get involved in, much less die on. It is an annoyance that DH will have to deal with when/if his lingering ties come back to bite him in the butt.
Mr Aniki would burn down his
Mr Aniki would burn down his truck before he'd ever let BioHo plant her skanky arse in it. But if he ever let her? I'd sit in the back seat (it's extended cab) and treat him like a chauffeur until he had the truck detailed and the seats steam-cleaned. *diablo*
No, Kes, NO!
BM sat in our car to get driven to the restaurant from SD's place.
What the FA!? No, no, NO! After his return, you should have beat your DH about the head and shoulders with a brick in a sock, then used sage and palo santo to smudge/fumigate the car. Hon, your DH has gone too far! He needs to be slapped into shape and reminded that poisonous hags have no place in your shared vehicle! GRRRRR!
I understand...
...sometimes things we don't think should trigger us do! I am sorry you are going through this right now.
"Can you ever 100% free yourself of the toxic fumes?" I have been thinking about this lately. The answer for me is no. But...what I can do is control my reaction. I know, easier said than done! Ugh! I was blindsided recently when DH told me his sister contacted him to complain about the state of his relationship with OSD...and indirectly complain about me. This is the SIL who had absolutely nothing good to say about OSD (and her mother) when I first met DH, she bared it all! (And then asked me not to tell DH. So apparently she is not honest with him. A tidbit I took note of; she was telling me who she is.) This is the SIL who was not interested in our side when we finally told his family what had really been going on for our entire relationship. I had reached out to her to initiate a conversation, she was not interested. However, later that day she was interested in reaching out to DH to talk about me behind my back and tell him she didn't believe me. (Funny, I guess she did not believe him either. His story was the same as mine. (After all, we were living the same drama!) I guess she was calling us both liars? Just another tidbit....) This is the SIL who thinks we should sweep it under the rug. (Clearly she hasn't figured out that this way of not dealing with issues is not healthy. Just another tidbit....) SIL has revealed who she is. What does that show/tell me? That she is not someone who I value and she is not worthy of my time and effort, beyond a cordial "Hello, hope you are well." Does it make me angry? It sure does! Is she worth my energy? She sure isn't. But...sometimes I forget, backslide, think it through, and then get back on track.
Mia, it sounds like a similar thing is happening to you. I believe you will get back on track. You are smart and kind. You have a good life with your DH. Don't ever forget that! The nonsense with his family is just that....nonsense! Don't let 'them' interfere with you living your best life.
Sometimes I think we have
Sometimes I think we have dealt with such BS from these people in the past that they could pronounce the word pineapple wrong, and we'd get angry. lol. Part of me is just TIRED of the nonsense. I have zero tolerance.
But you are so right: they are not worth my energy (and then when I spend energy on them, I get madder).
I'll get over it. Sigh.
If you never tolerate it, you are always free of it.
Toxic needs to be be smacked in the face each and every time it surfaces. Figuratively of course.
A toxic X, the spawn they pollute with their crap, XILs, etc, etc, etc... Zero tolerance and instant confrontation.
Our partner needs clarity that we will be all over the toxic like a on badger on crack if the partner does not end it before it starts.
This is a "between the lines"
This is a "between the lines" type of BS. They aren't doing anything TO us; it's who they are. . . whackos. They've grown stranger through the years. They believe just about every conspiracy out there. They believe the human race did better without modern medicine (yea, we all died by the age of 30). Totally rabid anti-vax. Last I heard, they were still bitching about masks long after mask mandates went bye bye. They think every other year is the end of the world and Jesus is going to come down from heaven, take them, and send the rest of us to burn in hell. They can't wait.
SS is not part of this, although he is devoted to them in a weird way.
SD tends not to discuss these things with DH but hints at them. She dances around questions he has and statements he makes. It's a very strange relationship.
This is me being angry at their crazy. And their crazy putting others at risk. Nothing I can do can change that.
These types are the last kind of people I'd ever want in my realm. Maybe it's karma. lol. I suppose I'm supposed to learn something here.
IMHO, You and DH need to buy
IMHO, You and DH need to buy your badger suits and your crack pipe and go nuts on this crap.
Google and print up the history of end of days episodes throughout history. Put it in a nice folder and give a fresh copy to the kids any time there is even a hint of them sniffing what BM is odiferously emanating on this topic. Story time with the crack smoking badgers should be a regular thing for these kids when they spout BM's doomsday cult bullshit.
SpermGrandHag was big into a fringe Christian cult. Expounded on Christmas as non existent, all kinds of weird crap. Interestingly, as SS, the eldest of the SpermIdiot's 4 all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas, started evolving to have a brain rather than snorting BM's cult bullshit..... she started celebrating Christmas for the younger three and stealing SS's things during visitations. Those things would show up in SPermClan family photos, SS would find them on a later visit. The three younger spermidiot spawn would rant that those things were their Christmas gifts from gramma, etc......
As the Hag increased her coddling of her idiot serial statutory rapist son and increasingly deviated from cult doctrine she eventually was stamped persona non grata by the cult leaders. No more feasting in the forest, etc....
As SS grew up he began to recognize the whacky bullshit spouted by SpermGrandHag his younger half sibs and cousins (Spermidiot's sister's kids) were continuously exposed to.
Eventually the aunts DH cut the Hag out of their lives. The aunt had to sneak her kids to visit with the SpermGrandParents after her cult member DH banished the Hag.
It has to be pretty bad for a whackjob cult member to get kicked out of a cult after being a Sr. member, for being unstable.
Don't get me wrong. I am all for faith and religion. I am a very spiritual person with my own faith. What I am not okay with is abandoning the greatest gift bestowed on man. Intellect and reason. Engage the SKid's brains and they have a chance to escape the dogma bullshit that BM is spouting. If they choose to dive into BM's cult, so be it. But it should have to be something they have to deal with from a base of intellect and choice rather than just drinking the toxic BM Kool-Aid.
Since 66AD(CE) through now, there have been 166 declarations of the end of days spouted by hundreds of prophets of doom who have led cults, etc..... 166 does not include the "Oops I was wrong it is really tomorrow, or the next day, etc... adjustments," There are 6 more future end of days dates currently predicted and professed by various cults, sects, and their leaders. The earliest being 2026 extending out as far as 2080.
Science based far future predictions range from 300.000years (impact by a major space based asteroid or comet, to 7.59 Billion years due to the sun consuming the earth and the moon as it reaches Red Giant status. Going to the projected end of the universe based on various models, 10^100 years is the outside estimate.
Odds are, life as we we know it will be long gone even before the Red Giant sun does us all in.
Kids need to be taught to use their brains as well as asses a faith. Not to undermine the religious bent of their parent(s), but to help them grow the ability to see and deal with what life invariably forces them to navigate.
IMHO in their live of faith. They can in fairly short order read it all for themselves. There is no need for a minister to provide the only conduit for a relationship with God. Anyone and everyone can gain that for themselves.
I'm a live for the moment with an eye to the future guy myself.
Just my thoughts of course.
I love this. Ya know, DH and
I love this. Ya know, DH and I were not there (because of PAS) to confront the crazy on a regular basis. DH went off one time on SD when she visited and said "Mom said Obama is the anti-Christ," as if she, too, believed that. Really believed it. (DH was a registered Republican at the time.) SD was shocked and complained to me about DH's reaction.
I tried to "do the right thing" and stayed out of the fray all the time. Sometimes I wish I hadn't.
smh. IMHO quality parents ask clarifying question at these times
smh. IMHO quality parents ask clarifying questions at these times.
"I'm not interested in what your mother thinks. What do you think?"
"Okay, now that you have told me what you think, tell me why you think that."
"What facts do you have to support your position?"
No, I do not want to hear what your mom/stepdad/etc... thinks. Why do you think what you think?"
As the conversation unfolds, insert actual verifiable fact to engage the kid brain as they blather manipulative sludge from the toxic parent.
"Take a look at this. This is not my opinion. This is fact. This actually happened. It is not made up by people who are lazy and just act like a parrot for something someone else said."
Lather, rinse, repeat adjusting the Q&A and presentation of facts as the toxic minion kid of a whack job other parent broadcasts the toxic Kool-Aid. IMHO the idiocy has to be called out, exposed, put under an arc light, and kept under that arc light until the PASd kid either is irretrievably lost, or grows their own brain.
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