When your kid forbids you from living in your hometown.
We had a nice telephone visit/catch-up with the SKid a few days ago. We covered a ton of topics in a casual banter filled conversation of nearly 2hrs.
We talked about just about everything. One thing that he touched on briefly was that he did not want his mom and me to ever move to SpermLand and if something happened to me he would not let his mom go back even to live near her own family. This was his position entirely and not at my behest. Though I completely agree with him.
After that talk DW and I discussed him (he sounded great), and she mentioned that this was not the first time he had told her she could not ever move back to her home town or even the State. He has told her that she is always drained by visits there and he wants her happy, vibrant, and engaged in her life and not getting sucked into the drama of her family. He is so past the SpermClan that his concern is not them, his concern is his mom's family.
He is right, Those visits are always a double edged sword for my bride. She is excited to visit her family and her friends. She always comes home from those visits having to go through recovery and detox from the emotional burden she takes on with them. Not so much her friends. That part of her visits is always positive.
I don't dwell much on our age difference or that I will invariably check out quite a bit before she does. But I am happy and comforted that my family adores my bride and our son will be there for her nearly her entire life. Much like my own parents have been and still are for me and me for them. Even they say that the three of us grew up together. They married at 17 & 19 and had me at 19 & 21. It is looking pretty good that we will have each other until I am 70 and longer I hope. DW had SS at 16. It warms my heart that he is a good man and that he and his mom will likely be Sr. citizens together.
I fully intend to bug the crap out of them from the ectoplasm.
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We have a friend who grew up
We have a friend who grew up in WVA. He is in his 70's.. and I think it was almost a relief for him when his mom told him she sold the family farm .. but would be able to live her days out there.. and when she passed.. the obligation to go back was over.
He enjoyed the visits earlier on.. but over the years.. the hard life.. the crap economy there.. the increase in substance abuse issues in the region.. it just became a place he didn't want to go.. it was no longer his home really.. even good friends.. he say had really become people he could no longer respect or connect with.
To an extent.. you just can't go back.. your old "home" will never be the home it was when you lived it originally.
The benefit of living all over the place your whole life.
You can go wherever you want with little chance of baggage detracting from where you are when you want to be there. I will say that all of the childhood homes I grew up in had all shrunk significantly when I visited them later as an adult.
My DW is going through your friends experience with her home town and family. Even many of the hometown friend
s she has are no longer a fit for the life she has lived since leaving SpermLand at 18, growing, and living her life.
It makes me sad.
I Get It
I could never go back to live in the town I grew up in. Small, southern town with zero work, drug issues, rampant crime and just an over all attitude of division (races and classes). I had to grow up in that mess and was from the "wrong" side of the tracks. Thankfully, I pulled myself up out of poverty with the help of some wonderful humand who helped me along the way. When I would go home to see my mom (since passed), it was always so depressing. She stayed in the old neighborhood until the last few years of her life...I was thrilled when we got her out of there.
So, I get it...no going back for me, either. And my kids feel the same.
I'm sorry that you lived that growing up.
I applaud your success and moving on. I am happy that your mom also finally got out.
Thomas Wolfe's novel
You Can't Go Home Again has always stuck with me - for the truth of the title, not necessarily its plot or themes - and I think those of us who had a lot of adverse childhood experiences can understand why this is true.
While technically I did go home many times to visit my mother, the longest I ever stayed was the three days I was forced to, snowed in with her. Ugh. Not only is the small town filled with bigots, racists, and people who've never read a book, the house itself seems to reek of negativity and sadness. I could always feel all the yuck pulling at me, trying to suck me in. My siblings, the bottom feeders, still live there, but crazy as it sounds, escape from my family of origin was essential for my survival.
Rags, I'm glad your son calls it like it is, and that your wife will have him to do that for her in the future. You raised him right.
We certainly tried to raise
We certainly tried to raise him right.
His mom said long ago that she would never go back to her hometown to live. Or even the State. She grew beyond her own family long ago and their SS is an observer. He has been since he was a toddler. He watches people and he picks up on things that few ever see. Including me. He does not trust his mom's family. His own experience with them has reinforced his instincts. Interestingly he was so commited to the SpermGrandHag being a hero raising his three younger half sibs when their father was a massive POS that I think he missed that she was the root of the whole situation. When he came to that realization it shook him to the core.
He will always be his mom's protector. Fortunately he seems to trust me.
Yes, when you come home
Yes, when you come home exhausted, drained, depressed and/or angry, it's best not to return (especially permanently) to the place you just left. We can't let others suck the life out of us. Your son is gold!
Too true Mia.
When DW or we both visit her family it is always a draining event that takes time to recover from. On many levels and due to a number of events that invariably occur when visiting my ILs.
Conversely, vising my family is a soul calming recharging event for all of us. My mom and dad are DW's and our kid's home. They are the entire Rags clan's home. All of their GKs have independently said that their home is .... home. Mom and dad are the heart of the entire family. On some level my DW and my SS are the soul. They embraced mom and dad whole heartedly and mom and dad immediately took them both in their arms and into their hearts on day one. The 4 of them just fit.
I am blessed.
And yes, my son is true gold. Not that he is perfect. He isn't. Though he is a good man who loves and respects his mom and will have her back always. Not that she will need him to remind her of reality. She sees it clearly and in many areas, it breaks her heart.