Back to being blamed by in laws
So of course, naturally when things go wrong with SD and DH, it is some how my fault! DH still has not replied to SD15 after she basically took no blame for completely starting chaos this weekend between DH, herself and BM. She has not apologized. Heck she didn't even acknowledged she has been lying to BM about what goes on in our house even when DH called her out on it. She kept texting him saying how he needs to changed and why can't he treat her better and how she is just trying to talk to her dad... this sounds like she is only saying that to maybe use in court later ???? It's weird but DH is not reading or responding to her Bs, BM is blocked. So who else does SD or BM have to run to, to feel sorry for them? SIL , MIL and her cousin who is 21. I thought it was strange when MIL didn't reply to my text the other day but this morning MIL sent a text to Dh saying " I hope you continue to talk to SD and ask how she is and say hello" DH didn't even reply to it , which I am glad he didn't. He told me he is not even gonna bother getting into it with his family about it because they have no idea what is going on and anyways they will always side with SD15. Still no reply from MIL on my text to her and she always responds like 5 mins after I text her so I'm like ok great here we go again! Man I swear when SD starts drama she really really stirs shit up
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I'm glad that your DH
I'm glad that your DH realizes that it will do no good trying to explain the situation to his family and that he is not responding to their unsolicitated advice.
Besides being hurt by SD, my DH was very hurt by some of his own family members over the whole situation and they had no idea what was really going on. They sure had opinions, though, and sure thought they knew what DH should do.
Don't worry about who might blame you, you and your DH know the truth
Jesus, it never ends for you.
Jesus, it never ends for you. Just offering sympathy. Your situation sucks and all you can do is focus on the family you have at home.
Yea it really doesn't but
Yea it really doesn't but with DH not giving back to SD blaming text, it has been a bit betters I can ignore MIL . lol
Your husband should be trying
Your husband should be trying to communicate with his daughter directly...not giving her the "silent treatment" vs explaining to her that her behavior is unacceptable.. vs explaining that she is important to him, but she is not more important than everyone else.
I get that her message trying to guilt him pissed you off.. and made him upset as well.. but him refusing to talk to her is not actually teaching her anything really.. It's just giving everyone more ammo to use against him and you.. since they are probably assuming you are supporting his icing her out right now.
I mean, sometimes people act out to see if people will still love them "no matter what".. and in a way, given the PAS treatment, I would not discount that possibiility.. SD may be shouting out for her dad to actually say words to her that show her that she is loved.. that she matters.. despite what she may see as imperfect circumstances.
I get what
you're saying, but at some point parents have to stop allowing their child to treat them like their personal punching bag. I'm sure OP's DH told her he loved her in his point by point reply to her attack texts. And he can continue to tell her he loves her but not engage in any back and forth texts.
And I'm sure BM is pushing SD to keep sending the argumentative texts; in fact, I'm wondering if she isn't telling her what to say. The "you should do better" part of the texts sound like something an adult would say than a teenager.
SD likes her father to chase her. That's the game. At least for now, he's stopped playing that game with her and he's told her why. And so she's pushing his buttons, trying to get him to re-engage. His refusal is a good thing because this game is not healthy for his daughter. She's equating being able to treat someone badly and their accepting it as love. This has the potential to carry over into other relationships and really mess up her life.
I'm sure this is very unsettling for SD. But having to sit with the consequences of her behavior for awhile - which, btw, is atrocious, even if she is still a minor - can maybe knock some sense into her. As for what dad's family thinks about OP it's pretty obvious that they are always going to blame her for SD not being treated like an only child. Nothing short of divorce is going to appease them. In the end, what they think is immaterial and shouldn't be a factor in dad's decisions about how he deals with his daughter.
This situation will get worse before it gets better. But it's never going to get better if dad reverts to his former behavior. That would just reinforce SD's belief that if she throws a temper tantrum long and loud enough she'll get what she wants. That doesn't work for a two year old or a teenager. It just causes more problems down the road.
ETA: A good way for dad to handle this would be to respond with something like "I've said everything I have to say about this. I'm not going to talk about this with you anymore. But I'd love to know what you're up to. I miss knowing about that. How's volleyball going?" That establishes that he loves her while developing healthy boundaries for their relationship.
I agree.. and like that last
I agree.. and like that last kind of statement.. Basically... you have your answer, I'm not going to beat that dead horse.. let's move on.
I agree that the DH in this
I agree that the DH in this situation could have done a lot of things differently, starting with enforcing the CO for the past, what, 10 years? By OP's account she has treated SD with respect and kindness. Getting in the middle of the SD/BM/DH/MIL dysfunction-fest isn't likely to help and would probably just provide them with a scapegoat. She didn't break it and she can't fix it. It sucks that she has to take it from not only SD and BM, but also her MIL while trying to raise her own young kids. It's easier said than done but she has to find a way to focus on her own family without letting this mess affect her so much.
He did this already . He
He did this already . He spoke with SD already (I posted he did in my previous post) and pointed out her bad behaviors, he held her accountable for all the chaos she caused which includes her lying to BM and BM family. He created boundaries with SD and told her that if can't follow the same rules as the other children in the home and listen to him then maybe it's best she not visit until she can agree to all of that and not disrupt the peace in the house when she comes. She replied not even acknowledging any of it and just blaming him for everything. He then said he would not go back and for with her until she prove she can be trusted. She kept texting and DH did not respond. Some ne has to end the stress
Sounds like
he's definitely on the right path as a parent.
I do agree that your DH needs
I do agree that your DH needs to continue to talk to his daughter. Not necessarily respond to her nonsense texts but actually talk to her. He can explain a few things, as ESMOD suggested, but he doesn't need to go around and around with her, justifying himself, and letting her continuously blame him. He should say what he needs to say regarding the situation, then steer the conversation elsewhere.
When my SD stopped coming over, she and DH talked on the phone more often than they ever had. Even though she had chosen (with BM's help) to not come for her visitations, she missed him and still wanted to know that her dad was there.
Kids who are being alienated by the other parent are very confused. That doesn't excuse crappy behavior, it's just a fact that needs to be taken into consideration.
Yes I some what agree . When
Yes I some what agree . When this has happened in the past and DH continued to talk to SD about other topics this swept the initial issues that caused the fight under the rug and SD was allowed to carry on and come back for her visits with not apology, acknowledgment she did anything wrong and yet again not held accountable which is why we are where we are. I think like someone else has said to teach her a lesson for a bit, not forever but Jesus we need a break from it and she only wants to attack text him
Yeah
this is why problems with skids become so difficult. If they're actions never have consequences there's no way it's ever going to get better. For anyone.
When my husbands kids fled
When my husbands kids fled he originally met up with them at their moms driveway to have a conversation where he told them their behavior was unacceptable in our home. He pointed out what was wrong. Of course it ended with them being pissed and slamming the door and running back to mommy's house (which is why he did it there...
Over time he eventually sent out a text saying he loved them and hoped they could talk sometime. Of course they continued on with accusations of what we did wrong. Eventually even after being blocked they somehow worked it out however they haven't been allowed back since and they've certainly never apologized for their actions. Which is why they are not coming back but he meets up with them every so often
No response is a response...
No response is a response... GOOD FOR YOU AND DH!!!
I don't care if SD is DH's child- he does not need to tolerate disrespect from ANYONE. I'm happy he hasn't responded to her. Don't give her complaints any oxygen. Anything he says will be twisted and used in court. At some point when he is good and ready he may respond (in a group text with you) and say, "You don't want to talk- you want to blame. We will not engage in the drama you create. When you're ready to actually talk, let us know." This shows you're a united front. Enough with her attempt to split you two.
That's her entire game... splitting... splitting DH and BM... splitting DH and you... splitting your inlaws with you/DH.... she splits.
As for your MIL- I think you could text her and say, "I'm circling back as you never replied to my previous message. Additionally, I'm going to kindly ask that you leave SD out of any conversation we have moving forward. You are always welcome to talk with me about my children, your other grandchildren, but I refuse to engage in discussions about SD. There are many sides to a situation and you might want to consider that before involving yourself."
... and leave it at that. Establish your boundary and stick to it. THAT is what you can control. Happy to hear you and your DH are finally on the same page with this. You can't get swept up in the drama if you both stick to your boundaries. They don't have to like them but they can't force you into the drama if you don't engage with it.
Yes ! That's my philosophy,
Yes ! That's my philosophy, no response IS a response and silence is golden! SD will never be satisfied until SD kisses her feet and tells her he is a bad father and he will try to do better .
Irony: MIL telling DH to keep
Irony: MIL telling DH to keep communicating with his daughter despite how she treats him, yet totally ignores your text because of how she thinks you are treating SD.
If I could give an award for
If I could give an award for this comment I would!
If this was a typical
If this was a typical teenager in an intact, never divorced family the extended family members would usually know not to get involved. The same should be in a divorced parent situation. Teenagers can be brats, can be out of control. She is not in any danger. There are not accusations of abuse here, there are teenage moods, behaviors and imperfect adult responses because guess what? We are all imperfect. Most extended families would mind their own business with an intact family, but in a divorced family they play their own part in the PAS and the alienation.
TIme for SD to live a fully bared ass life in front of family
and everyone else. Stop it by invoking total abject misery via public humiliation for her cra[p.
People learn from pain, Pain is what SD-15 needs to live every second of every minute, or every hour, of every day until she reaches the point where she will avoid that pain at all costs. MIL needs to also join the bared ass club by bein publically called out in front of the entire family for her shit as well.
The key is not to care about what anyone else thinks about anything other than the ill behaved manipulative bullshit that motivates the delivery of debilitating publically humiliating pain. Don't stop when the bleeding hearts in the family start their begging that you and DH back off on the baby and DH's idiot mommy.
The pain will in all likelihood be relatively minor because humliation and embarrassment are very strong messages for those who earn them. Bring the lessons, bring the pain.
IMHO of course.