It will never end.   Think it's time for a talk with DH.  This is your money too. You should have some say on how it's get spent or wasted 

Ugh - so frustrating. I'm sorry. Will you tell her the money/gift grab from your parents is not happening? Or will you wait to see her crestfallen face when she realizes she traveled up there for nothing? *evil grin*

I would spend less on her over time, maybe have a talk with your husband and agree on an amount spent. And ya, maybe send a wish list of stuff you like too. He can be told she's "growing up". Awww how cute and responsible she is growing up! What does he say when you tell him you want to spend less on her for presents 

You're right, it never ends.  I hate that, like your SD, my SD63 spoils the holidays for me.  It's all so predictable.  In a couple weeks, SD63 will start whining that no one wants her for Thanksgiving. From there, it's downhill with the whining, sad stories and money requests so she can give her kids gifts.  The period from December 15 to 25 is the worst.   Her unhappiness poisons our lives.

I used to enjoy the holidays.

I am all too familiar with that same sick feeling in your gut about the SKIDS, so yeah..sympathy pains for sure. Its a instant reaction I have whenever SD is even mentioned. so I get it. Its a constant thing.  I am so sorry that you feel like the holidays have to be ruined for you or anyone because of some spoiled, entitled, overgrown baby like LI. It doesnt have to be that way.  I am in the camp of having a serious talk with DH and set some limits. Im sure even he and LI has to have some understanding this whole Gravy train has to come to a stop one way or another someday. I have had to have that same conversation with my DH too.  I know you feel bad that he only sees her once a year and she takes advantage, but is there any way to at least assure that at least that doesnt happen on your dime? Im sure im am preaching to the choir, but I wouldnt feel so torn up about letting DH foot the bill on his own if he wants to enable her, if you have seperate finances. If not, I would get on that asap. ( not trying to be bossy) or as long as it doesnt cause any financial hardships for any shared expenses between you too.  Also,,hell to the NO on feeling obligated to pay her Friends way or newest  Boy Toy at nearly 25 years old For effs sake. There is no reason why that should be your responsiblility or DH's .  But if DH doesnt see an issue with that, then id let it all fall on him and draw the line in the sand. It has to happen eventually., whether or LI likes it or not. She might as well finally start learning and get a reality check. And we all know she is never going to learn a thing if everyone keeps coming to her rescue, because you are correct  in that she is on track to be "Poor" everything for the rest f her life if she doesnt grow up and get her shit together. The wriiting has been on the wall.  

Especially if you see that she clearly has the money to spend on other things, like concerts , etc. and is such an "adult" that she is living with The Fool.. I woud be absolutely Livid and would make that one of my talking points.  If she can afford to have Big Funnnn ( im aging myself but referring to the Cosby Show ( yeah that didnt age well but aside from that)  when dealing with a daughter who was being a LI herself and the mom was not having it!) then she can figure out how to finance her trip along with her little friends. The buck has to stop sometime. 

I get where you are coming from. I still enjoy the holidays for reasons outside of StepWorld, which I am determined to keep up with by focusing on the postive things  as much as I can. I also still have that same bouts of anxiety brewing at the thought of any pressure or forced together with the Skid  or to have my joy or plans revolve around her. No matter if she tries to insert herself as being first priortity for me. ( fat chance). like last year. Another story

Anyway,   Thats literally the only reason why I have actually felt any sense of dread..dealing with certain relatives of DH which im sure everyone experiences to some degree. I know for certain  its easier said than done, but I will be damned if my own LI-like SD throws any wrench in my peace and joy...not just Christmas but any other time of year. Like I said, the buck stops here. 

**** I also want to encourage you make carving out time for YOU during this holiday to get through. Maybe establish some of your own traditions.  Spoil and pamper yourself, make plans, do things that you enjoy outside of LI and DH and having to be their Buffer. They are grown adults , they can fend for themselves for a while and they will survive. I mean, to be fair, DH and LI are supposed to be spending time on THEIR bond and visiting with each other, right?  Besides, You deserve it times a thousand after a decade of having to entertain this SM nonsense. Self Care is key. You do you! 

So sorry you're going through this! Holidays are a scary time for us, when they should be just the opposite... Listen, I'm in the same general age bracket as your SK and feel the same as you do.  Raised by Boomer and Silent Gen parents, and I respect being independent as much as humanely possible and to be proud of work ethic... I have to actually TELL my family I can support myself, they don't have to worry about financing my life/duty to buy me things and let them know I'm ok I can pay for things myself (child of an immigrant and child of a parent who grew up impoverished, so their mindset is always scarcity.. I get it..) Unfortunately I do not get on very well with people in my generation/general age group, lol ... entitlement! Nothing wrong with an offer here or there, but it's the entitlement that gets me.. 

I think you may owe yourself a little holiday to yourself... how about some shopping, sipping, wining and dining... sounds like you deserve it Even if you have the ability to get out of the house at all when she visits. Grab a cup of coffee or visit a pal perhaps? Hope things improve. 

This year gifts are $ 50. Total per person. And remind SD she got the plane tickets,   I would never pay for a ticket for the BF or GF. But that's me.  Unless money isn't a problem. 

Tell DH that she is 24 and she can buy her own tickets. Highlight that message with a review of her concert party pics pointing out that she obviously can afford her own tickets since she apparently has completed her degree and should have started her new career.

Make sure DH knows that if she does come and brings her idiot Fuck buddy that they are buying their own tickets and staying in a hotel that they are arranging and paying for themselves as well as renting their own car or Uber/Lyfting as you and your DH are not her beck and call servant bitches.

Keep daddy's nose ground into the shit of his pawn and make sure he understands that she is an "adult" and she is paying her own way.  Highlight that with pointing out that she supposedly has her college degree and should be self sufficient.

If you don't make today that day, and every second that second, you are facilitating the delusion.

Stop that!

Why not make this the year to lay down the law with a tighter budget. 

AG, you're one of my favorite members here, as we seem to have a lot in common. So I'm going to tell you what I'd tell a bestie in your situation:

You feel sick to your stomach because of all the resentment, anxiety, and lack of control that's built up. It builds up because you don't feel able to deal honestly with your H, so you swallow it, and it eats at your heart and mind.

You let it build up once to the point where you left him. Communication doesn't seem to have improved since then, and I hate that you don't feel able to speak up in your marriage. Your H desperately NEEDS someone to tell him the truth about his daughter. He pulls this crap because you don't tell him he CAN'T.

I think you could have a completely different kind of marriage, but you'd have to make some inner changes and stop being so damn nice. It certainly worked for me. Men like ours respect strength. Oh, they may bluster and try to escalate a bit, but once they know our GAF is broke and we won't brook any more nonsense, they tend to settle before a superior force. 

WHAT IF, you sat your H down and told him you've thought about it and decided SD can pay her own way going forward? That's she's a grown woman, and if she can't afford a plane ticket or a present for her dad, then she probably can't afford to come for the holidays? That it's time for change, time to start focusing on saving for retirement and letting SD grow up? Put some fear in him, girl.

Change things up, AG. I want peace for you.

"LI, we've decided to do things differently this year, for a change so we'll be coming to you instead. It'll be fun to get a bit of insight into how great things are going for you. We'll be arriving on DATE and leaving on DATE so you have plenty of time to send us our tickets ..."