Carolyn Hax got it so right about a father tracking his kids via their phones:

Dear Carolyn: I have two children, 15 and 18. Their father and I have been divorced over a decade and are both remarried. We share custody 50/50. We do pretty well as co-parents and try hard to keep the kids out of the middle when we do disagree.

I recently found out their father and his wife track the kids frequently on an app, both during “their” time and “our” time with the kids. This is bothersome to me for a number of reasons.

My son is a college freshman, living in a dorm, and has proved himself to be a reliable, trustworthy, hardworking student. He is thriving at school, and I want him to experience the freedom he has earned. He does not want to upset his dad. To keep the peace, he allows this app. However, I know my son finds it intrusive, especially as his father will frequently text him during the day about his location and activities — making it obvious he is being watched. There is no safety concern here. He always texts back in a timely fashion and has never given us cause to worry.

By tracking my daughter, he is essentially tracking me — and, by extension, my husband. There does not seem to be a reason for it other than curiosity. I would never withhold contact from him, I have always kept him in the loop with any travel plans, and I am not worried about stalking. I am bothered that he texts my daughter asking why she is at her current location, or where she is headed while she is with me — during my custodial weeks. He will comment on the speed I am driving.

By tracking my daughter, he is essentially tracking me — and, by extension, my husband. There does not seem to be a reason for it other than curiosity. I would never withhold contact from him, I have always kept him in the loop with any travel plans, and I am not worried about stalking. I am bothered that he texts my daughter asking why she is at her current location, or where she is headed while she is with me — during my custodial weeks. He will comment on the speed I am driving.

Not a Fan of Tracking: What the ever-loving what is your ex-husband thinking? Creepy.

Your letter touches on so many different issues, and all of them point to a hard “no” to your ex.

You spelled out one reasonable limit on tracking just fine without me: zero on college students, zero during dad’s time and maybe a check when your daughter is late meeting you …

Or not, and do a puzzle while you wait, because I don’t believe in tracking teens at all and didn’t track mine. I just wrote about it, so I’ll just reiterate that it undermines independence and save my space for other issues.

Like this: that your husband’s stalking your custodial time is invasive and inappropriate.

Telling him like that, alas, isn’t great for harmonious co-parenting. Plus, laws vary by state, so you want to check those before you say anything anyway. If it’s (somehow) legal, then your next step is to tell him you’re not okay with this and will turn trackers off when she’s with you. In any realm of mutual respect, it will end there.

If he persists, then ask your attorney about shutting him down without creating more problems for yourself. If it’s illegal: attorney, do not pass Go. Apologies for the cost.

The intrusion issue is obvious, but less so is the problem of family-wide capitulation to keep the peace with Daddy. It’s there throughout, and it’s not healthy to default to peacekeeping, especially not on something so intimate. This is about nothing less than self-determination. Your standing up to your ex sets a crucial example for your kids.

This comes at a formative time for your daughter. She is plainly uncomfortable, at an age of limited autonomy — and, oh boy, needs her “no.”

As for your son: “He does not want to upset his dad. To keep the peace, he allows this app.” Such capitulation would mortify a healthy parent! I would take it as a complete parenting fail if my college! kid! shuffled obediently along to feed my need for control. Horrible.

It’s his battle now; he’s 18. But you can equip him to fight it: “This is between you and your dad. But hear me: Don’t give yourself away to anyone — especially not to me or your dad.”

You take pains to describe your kids as responsible, trustworthy, thriving, all the things, and I get why. But selfhood isn’t earned. It simply IS. If they ever want to surrender their innermost out-abouts for their own reasons, then that’s up to them. But stick up for your kids’ selves for the sake of them. Fight for their autonomy just so they get that it is something worth fighting for.