Miss Manner really got it wrong today!
Miss Manners really got it wrong today! Why would an obituary mention step grandkids that were not involved with the deceased?
Dear Miss Manners: I recently lost my mom, and we just had the service. My brother has two stepsons, and in the obituary, they were mistakenly left off the list of grandkids. Biologically, my mom had a total of six grandkids, who were all mentioned in the obituary.
My sister-in-law was very offended that her two sons were not mentioned. They knew my mom, of course, but were not involved with her on a regular basis at all. Was this wrong that we did not mention them?
Yes, but Miss Manners would have counseled your sister-in-law that the service was not the time to express offense at an innocent mistake. Nor would she have pointed out that treating the stepsons as if they are not part of the family is ungracious; she would have assumed that the omission was done by accident.
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I actually think the answer
I actually think the answer was not that bad. I mean.... as a step parent.. she would want to feel she was part of that woman's family.. as she is married to her son.. and her kids are part of her own family and unless there was absolute estrangement from her DH and his family.. (not just being "not close")... I think that not including her kids could have come off as she was not part of the family?
I think Miss Manners got it
I think Miss Manners got it wrong but for an entirely different reason.
It doesn't say that SIL got upset at the service, so most of Miss Manners' "advice" is moot. She should have expanded on the "yes" part or included the information from the submission (assuming there was one and this wasn't just pulled from thin air) about SIL being upset at the service. Miss Manners lets the family off the hook while piling on SIL.
And really, we don't have enough information to know whether the writer is a reliable narrator or not. How long have Brother and SIL been married? Did Mom treat them like one of the other grandkids but they just couldn't be around as much (but were really engaged when they were around)? Does Brother have other kids and SIL is the "new wife" that the writer doesn't like because they have loyalty to BM? Did Brother get a chance to read and approve the obituary?
I think Miss Manners missed the mark. Her advice should have been how to properly apologize for the mistake (since the writer claims it was an accident) and provide information to readers on how to include SKs in obituaries. Minimizing SIL being offended and telling her to "let it go" versus "perhaps you all need to review your actions and see if you make it aa habit of being rude to SIL" just perpetuates that "new wives" are the problem.
Reverse the situation, its
Reverse the situation, its SIL’s mom who died and her spouse is left off the obituary by accident because he’s her second husband, I'm sure her DH would probably be hurt. Overall the OP admitted it was an accident, I think she was just looking for a diplomatic way to address the situation and apologize.
Hmmm mixed feelings about this one.
When I married DH he was "grandpa" To two step granddaughters. He always included them in his Xmas and birthday cash grabs. Well I began noticing a pattern. They often wouldn't even show up with dad and step mom (DHs daughter ) He would then send the $ with his daughter to give her two step ingrates. After about 4 years of noticing this and the girls now over 18 I finally asked/spoke to DH about how long he planned on sending a cash gift with his daughter for people WE have not seen for over four years? I suggested that he set aside their gift/card at Xmas and not send it with his daughter for them. Then he has it ready should they decide to grace us with their step presence. It's been over 7 years now and we have not seen them nor been included in any of their life events, graduation or weddings. So... that right there speaks volumes to me. Once they were adults they chose to no longer acknowledge that they had a step "grandpa" So it could be a situation like that. I can't imagine mentioning them in mine or DHs obituary at this late date and zero interaction in so long a time.
So complex
These issues..and they just get more complex the older we get.
If either of my parents pass (when they), SD16almost17 power sulk and SD24 Feral forger will NOT be mentioned as step-grands survivors...
Honestly, it would never occur to me to include skids in my Mom'
Honestly, it would never occur to me to include skids in my Mom's obituary. She has never meant two of them and only met the youngest a couple of times. Even if they had been closer, I just don't think it would occur to me.
A look at me moment at a completely inappropriate time IMHO.
No big deal IMHO.
My SS is my parent's eldest GK, my own GP's accepted him as their own GGK. The only thing ever said other than that he was their GGK, was when my Granddad commented that he was happy for me and it is great to have an instant family. SS was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
My Skid was the Old People Whisperer when he was a toddler and young single digit aged child. My GP's loved him. For the first 4-5ish years we lived under the CO he spent the majority of his SpermLand visitation time with his own GGPs. He was calm, mellow, and engaging. The perfect old people kid.
He was always very comfortable interfacing with the elderly. When we would visit my GM in her retirement home SS would have any number of the residents around him in the common room talking with him and playing gmes.
When my parents pass, SS will be front and center with the rest of the family honoring them. He worships my mom and dad as they do him.
As I have banged the drum on for many years, I have the Unicorn blended family/SParent life. That includes my DW's and SS's relationships with my mom and dad and my brother and his family.
The few times I have been
The few times I have been involved in an obituary, parents, FIL, we sent a copy of it to all the sibs to see if there was anything we missed, spelled wrong etc. I think it was up to the brother to add his skids if he wanted them on there. My husband would never have expected his daughter to be on the obituary when my parents died. I guess she would probably make the list on mine if I had one, but I wouldn't put her on if I had a choice!