"Ask Amy" sure got it right today!
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We each have two grown children from previous marriages. My children love and accept my husband as family. My husband’s children have never accepted me.
I met their father years after their parents divorced, so I was in no way a cause of their breakup. An example of their behavior toward me is when they visit for Christmas each year, they bring their father a Christmas gift and wish him a Merry Christmas, while they completely ignore me. I am left sitting there with a feeling of disbelief.
I’ve spoken to my husband about my feelings, but it doesn’t really help. He says his family is dysfunctional. What should I do?
— Simply Hurt
Hurt: Your husband’s astute observation is that his family is dysfunctional. I assume you’re thinking: “That’s right, Einstein.” But an accurate description is not a solution.
Your husband seems to be passively standing by while his children humiliate you — and in your own home. You also seem to have lost your own voice. His children obviously want to have a relationship with him, so he should convey to them that he won’t tolerate this rudeness toward you. If he had done this at the outset of your relationship, they might have been retrained by now.
You’ve asked what you should do about their behavior.
You have absolutely nothing to lose, and so you might take advantage of this post-holiday period to email both of them and say, “I’ve been married to your father for 10 years. I had no role in the breakup of your parents’ marriage, which happened before he and I met. I regret that I’ve been tolerating your rudeness toward me for a decade. I’d like to have a positive relationship with you, but at the very least I do expect you to be polite toward me when you’re a guest in our home.”
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Wow
Someone finally gets it. In my case, I finally had enough after 12 years. DHs kids are not allowed in our home, which DH fully supported. Feb 18th will make 5 years they have not stepped foot in our home. DH sees them away from here. When the time comes I drop that boundary, they will be on notice by DH...play nice or stay away.
I'd add one more sentence: ...."be polite toward me when you are a guest in our home. If not, you are no longer welcome here." After all, what does the SM have to loose at this point? SMH
Finally! Someone who
Finally! Someone who actually validates the plight of most step mothers! I think that, after all of these years of silent suffering, we're finally being understood by people on the "outside" of steplife. This post gives me hope.
Worth mentioning...
I read this column in The Washington Post today and the commenters were in nearly unanimous agreement that the husband needed to put his foot down. Most of the commenters actually felt that it was the husband's responsibility to put his kids in their place, rather than the LW.
Go Amy!!!!!
This is definately on the DH and if there is any criticism I Have of the SM in this, it is that she tolerated for one second much less for 10 years.
What remains is the question of why so many of 'us' put up with this crap for one second much less for long periods of time. We try the love them through it, If I give it more time and try harder it will get better, what if I move on and can't find ..........>
Setting boundaries is critical. Enforcing them is even more critical. We teach people how to treat us.
Even when there is targeting, gaslighting, etc... What we tolerate is entirely on us.
IMHO of course.
That means that not only do we have to shred any violation of our boundaries, we have to hold our mate accountable for defending our relationships as vehemently as we should be defending the same boundaries.