Hobosexuals???
I recently saw a meme that said "no one falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to stay" (though.. I think women can be guilty of that too..)
and, it really hit me that many times.. there are ulterior motives that people have when getting into a relationship.
The divorced guy that gets taken to the cleaners by his ex. May not be outright homeless.. but living in a crappy apartment.. or with his parents etc.. and sees being in a relationship with a woman as "oh.. we will pool our money.. and together we can afford to be in a better place than I am now" Not saying it's "only" the housing that he is attracted to.. but certainly, the rush to move in to alleviate financial strain can be part of the problem.
The divorced parent that finds it "hard" to parent alone. It could be the woman who wants a "new daddy for the kids and a fat wallet for her".. and they pick accordingly.
it could be a guy that doesn't have much parenting experience.. because his wife used to do the child care.. and now it's tough to manage while he still works to provide for more than one home.. so having a partner to "help" him pushes him to move in on a partner faster.. and push off those pesky "wimins work" onto the new unsuspecting woman..
All hobosexuals of various flavors.
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DH Calls them
"sponsors" They are always looking for sponsors
I honestly think EVERYONE
I honestly think EVERYONE (except for the couples who keep finances separate and live in separate houses) are looking to come up through a partnership
Some are a little more ruthless and/or transactional than others but I believe ALL relationships in a capitalist society are based around securing additional resources you didn't have before
If you ask the average American how many people they can provide for on ONE income .... most of them will tell you "it takes two incomes to keep one household running" (now I don't buy into this but many do) ... so majority of Americans (if they are honest with themselves) are seeking a partner who has monetary resources to contribute towards their desired lifestyle
I mean it's nothing wrong with that IMO (as long as no one is sociopathic / predatory with it and both parties are in agreement upfront) because marriages have been "businesslike" arrangements for centuries in many cultures.
*Ain't no woman in her right mind out here marrying Bob the homeless guy out of the kindness of her heart.
**neither Love (nor eggplants) will pay these bills
***we are in a society that costs money to survive
Clearly most every
Clearly most every relationship we have involves ways that the relationship improves our lives.. it could be simply emotionally supportive.. but when you get into starting lives together.. having two parties able to financially contribute means that together.. there is the opportunity to live to a good standard.. because.. sure.. a 3 BR house costs basically no different if one head of household is paying vs two.. so, joining resources.. skills abilities.. it is mutually beneficial in the basic sense for people to enter into relationships.
Nature has provided us incentive to be in these relationships via "feelings" hormones etc also.
I mean.. even when we are talking "friends".. I am not friends with people that aren't "improving" my life.. no, not financially.. but if I am not living a better life for having known you? what is the point? perhaps it's company, emotional support.. etc.. even people that we may feel we do the heavy lifting.. may give us good feelings for being "helpful to others".. and THAT is the currency in which we are paid.
There ARE people though that seek out partners to suck off their resources.. and don't contribute.. it's not a problem when BOTH are giving.. but not when just one gives and the other takes!
There ARE people though that
Thats the more extreme end of it.
I think hobosexuals, gold diggers, pimps, ex wives who ride their cash cow ex husbands payroll permanently, etc are lazy and predatory but eh.....
.....Some people don't mind and actually get off on being financially dominated (see white knight Disneyland dad, conniving ex spouse who won't let go, and demanding skids who all use ncp as a walking ATM bc that's what he allows)
Agreed. I have non-financial contributions from my relationships .... which indirectly helps me improve my income if that's what I want
Ex. BFF Betty hyping me up helping me feel good about myself after a breakup leads to me meeting an exec who helps me land a meeting with HR for new career prospect
or
Bob being emotionally supportive so I feel better about going into a toxic workplace / get the motivation to leave and apply for higher paying positions
So emotional provisions are beneficial and can lead to financial provisions (indirectly or directly) ....
This is also partly why alimony is awarded to stay at home parents after a divorce. Their day-to-day emotional support, household support, etc helps the other parent indirectly excel in their career.
The divorced guy that gets
THIS is why I will never marry a dude who cannot provide for at least himself first. And I never date freshly divorced men (who might be rebounding emotionally and financially)
$750k house? Looks good Bob but can you handle those $4000/month mortgage payment PLUS the upkeep, taxes, etc PLUS your child support?
If the answer is no then Bob has to keep it pushing. Bob ain't about to ride my coattails and use my pay check to finance his extravagant lifestyle.
If you can't afford it single then you can't afford it if you were married.
Let someone not have savings or disability insurance.....
One major accident or hospital bill away from financial ruin, bankruptcy, eviction all cause a man led you into a financial fantasy he couldn't afford.
Keep playing and these closet male sugar babies will use your paycheck to help supplement / finance their luxury lifestyle AND subsidize their child support
No and NO!
The Purse
Thee Nurse with a Purse
The Walking Paycheck
Husband definitely "came up" when we got together. He actually was very honest in saying that he "could see that I had postential to do better for myself" because I had a degree and work experience. He was right. He credits himself for supporting me at a low point, and that is true.
He now is a homeowner and owns 3 boats, and a number of vehicles, 3 of them "classic". He goes fishing in Baja for tuna with his other lucky friends. We live near to the coast where homes have tripled in market prices. I feel like I pull more now, and hes pulling less, which is funny because we are now empty nesters.
Im working on myself more now, but with the new puppy, my energy has been diverted quite a bit.
He actually was very honest
By admitting what you already know, He basically gift wrapped you LEVERAGE .... if you need it at a later date lol
Then there is my ex husband
Then there is my ex husband who despite living in a house with a duplex he rents out will not move in with his girlfriend of 10 years... Lol. The opposite of mooching you could say. I always assumed she'd move I to the opposite end of the house.
I'm not sure that partnering
I'm not sure that partnering is primarily finance/support/quality of life related. Certainly in my various partnering experiences that was never a consideration.
IMHO most proposals are feeling related more than the are cerebral exercises or deeply considered decisions. That was certainly mostly the case in both of my marriages.
In my case, I often consider that both of my marriages occurred at major transition points in my life. Was I engaging in a marriage due to those changes? Not consciously. But.... the preponderance of the evidence likely would support that premise.
I married my XW as my family was going through a shift. Mom and dad were returning to their Expat career overseas, my younger brother was heading to boarding school. By all indicators that may have been a decent partner choice. There were a few things that I questioned and my parents questioned regarding my XILs. My hmmmm thing was when my XW went through a period of starting to smoke and getting a bit snarky before we became engaged. My parents pointed out that the lifestyle that my ILs lived was not commensurate with the income of a book keeper and a low level State government administrator.
XW turned out to have a dating problem throughout our blessedly short marriage and my XILs ended up being crooks. XMIL ended up a convicted federal felon for embezzling $Millions from her long term employer.
I met my DW of 30 years just ofver3 years after my divorce was final. We married nearly 4 years to the day after my divorce was final. Also at a major transition point in the life of my family. My brother had married my SIL 9mos earlier, my niece was born 5mos earlier, my brother and I had just graduated with our undergrad degrees together. We had accepted jobs with the same company 3mos after DW and I met. So, another major transition point in my life and the core Rags clan family dynamic.
Initiating a life partnership at a fairly young age when neither partner has a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of used to be a decent foundation for a quality partnership. Historically in the greatest generation, the silent generation, and in the earlier phases of the Boomer generation that was primarily the model that a notable majority of marriage partnerships started with. Interesting, as marriage age progressed, and more marriages became two career families, divorce rates initially increased until two income marriages normalized.
Recent studies indicate that two income marriages are currently more stable than single income marriages.
My mom and dad have had a very traditional marriage. Dad was the bread winner, mom was the SAHM home maker. They have been married for 62 years. They have an exceptionally close relationship.
My brother and my SIL have duplicated that model. He is the earner. I wish they had even remotely the quality of partnership that our mom and dad have. They are approaching their 31st anniversary. Their kids are doing great.
DW and I focused on education and career. SS-32 is an only in our 30 year marriage. Comparison between my brother's marriage, and ours, I would say that the recent studies have merit. Our marriage is very similar to that of my parents as an exceptionally close partnership. My brother's, has been far more challenging regarding closeness of relationship.
I feel similarly
I met DH at a transitional point in my life. I was working abroad, had completed my degree, and I had just ended a long-term relationship. I wasn't looking for anyone. Neither of us needed either financial or emotional support. We sort of dovetailed. :)
As it should be IMHO.
As it should be IMHO.
Great life partnerships tend to start like that.
A life of adventure and a love for the ages is a wonderful thing to build with THE one. It cannot be built with anyone else.
You always benefit
As long as the relationship is a good one, you will always benefit, emotionally and financially.
If the guy living in the shitty apartment, paying rent and falling in love a woman who maybe lives in a shitty apartment as well, they can pool rent money together for an upgraded place and maybe each save a buck or two on top of it.
The freeloaders are a different story altogether though and they, unfortunately, come in all shapes, forms, and gender.
In other words, one must be careful and I would always, especially in new relationships, keep finances separate and ask my partner to pitch in 50% for common housing expenses, etc.
Failed Family Complex
For decades, needy single parents have sought out new partners to prop up their post-divorce lives. Be it money, parenting skills, emotional labor, or all three, they got away with it because there was no meaningful discussion of step dynamics. We were just fresh meat, naive and willing, and I'm glad people are more open about blended family realities today.
The more we raise awareness around the pros and cons of being a stepparent, the harder it will be to take advantage of us. I love that more younger people are advocating for themselves and asking "What's in this for me?"
^^^^Girl YES!
^^^^Girl YES!
100%
Never again will I dare step foot into step life (knowing what I know now how majority of single dads - idk about single moms bc I don't date them but the ones I do know have their ish together way better then the average single dad - cannot hack it and need a woman (preferably gullible and with a paycheck) to come enhance his post divorce/baggage-riddled lifestyle
You literally HAVE to consider "what is in it for me" or "what return on investment will this bring me?" Or risk getting swallowed up in failed former family drama (ex working as FREE skid maid, chauffeur, nanny, nurse with a purse, therapist, and Disneyland parent sidekick) that drains tf out of you and your resources
90% of divorced single dads ARE indeed closet hobosexuals ..... be careful ladies!
I love this term. I learned
I love this term. I learned it after dating a guy for just a few months who was an expert hobosexual. He was an incredible manipulator who appeared to have it all together but who, I learned, had nothing together. . .and the kind of person who leaves things at your house that will always need to be picked up after you end it. I put the stuff in my driveway.
--- throw it in dumpster #5
--- throw it in dumpster #5