Campfire Talks.. and steplife.
I was talking to a very wise woman the other day. She said that sometimes we need to be mindful of oversharing.. and understanding the context of sharing our lives.. our dramas etc... She was talking about her sister who has had a somewhat rocky relationship with her husband.. and who tends to overshare around the office water cooler with her ladies she works with...
The advice was.. "everyone likes to sit around the campfire.. throwing in logs. but sometimes you have to understand YOU are the campfire.. and you are burning with the logs they are heaping on your fire.. because it's exciting to watch it burn"
Like..you share about your family drama.. re your husband being a jerk.. the inllaws being difficult.. and your friends are all.. "oooh honey.. you deserve better.. you should do X.. you should show them.. yeah.. talk to that other guy ... your husband isnt' treating you right anyway".. They encourage you to do things that keep ramping up the drama.. doing things that are sure to create more conflict with your inlaws and spouse.. encourage you to talk about divorce.. etc.. after all it isn't THEIR lives they are blowing up.. it's yours.. and it's oh so interesting for them to watch it burn down.
Sometimes.. the nuclear option isn't the right way to go.. sometimes in the grand scheme of things we all have to compromise.. soften boundaries.. etc.. and sometimes when we encourage people to have rock hard boundaries.. we are encouraging a situation that is likely to cause more problems for them than if they just went with the flow a bit more.. and NO.. it's not that stepparents always have to be the ones to compromise.. but that is what this site is about.. this advice goes for all sorts of situations.. work.. family.. friends.. the harder your boundaries are.. the more times you will be faced with a potential drama over them..sometimes it isn't worth the fight.. and sometimes some people do need to be minimized.
But.. it's tough to do in reality when you are talking family.. or people at work that you HAVE to deal with on an ongoing basis.. and in the end.. compromise may be needed.. even if you find it's you doing it more.. because in the grand scheme of things..sometimes we can be right or happy.. but not both.
(i'm not saying we can't have boundaries really.. jusst that stuff can be very situational.. and sometimes they don't work for us)
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Comments
On the whole I agree with you
On the whole I agree with you - it's important, most of the time, to keep a sense of proportion and not ramp up the drama. I had a situation last year, however, where to "soften my boundaries" would have meant abandoning myself, my values and my sense of value as a person. DH threatened to divorce me if I failed to appease his daughter, SD28. She had sent me an abusive email and said all sorts of horrible things about me to him, as well, including some pretty nasty name-calling. Initially I was so scared that I agreed to what he was asking, but in the end I couldn't bring myself to do it. I told him that he must do what he felt was right, but I wouldn't be appeasing her and I didn't want to see her for the forseeable future. This was April 2022 and I still don't want to see her. DH has since admitted they were empty threats and he never would have initiated divorce proceedings. Our marriage is still recovering from his words and actions.
I think it's important to
I think it's important to clarify the difference between rules and boundaries, in relationships.
"Rules are restrictions you put on another person. Boundaries are restrictions you place for yourself to keep yourself from harm."
If your "boundary" is too harsh, it's most likely a rule. A boundary is all about protecting yourself so I don't see how they can be too harsh.
Here's the full article: https://www.beknowntherapy.com/blog/rules-vs-boundaries
I'm coming from the POV where
I'm coming from the POV where a boundary might be thought of somewhere along the lines of disengaging to the point of "refusing to do anything for the skids".. when the reality is that there could be a situation where to be part of your partner's life.. you would help them with a skid issue.. not "for"the kid.. but "for" your partner.. so it's a boundary? but may need some softening.
I did go and read the link.. and I guess if your boundary is not doing anything for skids.... and your partner "demands" it.. then one of the optiions to maintain the boundary is to leave the relationship.. so I guess either our boundary is sometimes important enough to do just that.. or maybe the boundary and rules need to be worked out between the partners..?
Boundaries are individual -
Boundaries are individual - only you get to decide what your boundary is. But rules DO need to be worked out between the couple.
I agree with you that if disengaging is something you've decided to do because "My boundary is that I will not allow myself to be taken for granted or act as a parent or servant by people who treat me poorly", there are time when you may choose to help a kid anyway because it's in YOUR character to help someone who really needs something; it still works within your boundary.
I see a boundary as a high castle wall with a gate. Sometimes I will step outside of my castle walls if I can do so without harm to myself AND if someone else is really in need. But I always consider how doing so my hurt me.
This is how I think of it too
This is how I think of it too and it's been working well for me and DH knows where I stand pretty clearly at this point.
"My boundary is that I will
Felt this in my soul....
I also think there's a
I also think there's a difference between "helping" and "being responsible for." If the bioparents either provide or arrange for the care of the kids and something comes up, helping is great. When the bioparents haven't done the basics as far as childcare and expect others to just do it for them, that's something else. If you are a SAHP and your partner works and pays the bills while you are responsible for basic childcare and it's been agreed upon, that's another something else. Each situation is different.
I think this site serves a
I think this site serves a good purpose as far as preventing oversharing in our IRL lives. Based on what a lot of people vent here, it's easy to get mad and say "You need to leave!" But, we don't live that person's life and it's hard to know their full situation based on a handful of posts. People tend to vent the bad.
Discussing personal issues at work
In my young years, I talked freely about my life at work. We were all friends, right?
After maturing and changing jobs, I noticed how people react to those discussions. "Friends" gossip and employers form opinions.
By the time I had landed at my career job, I said little about my life. People knew I was married and had a bunch of kids (5) but that was it. Unfortunately, there's still prejudice about mothers at work so I didnt want anyone denying me promotions because they thought my personal responsibilities would hamper my performance. And, any discussion of my many step issues would have been embarrassing and detrimental.
When I became a manager, I admit I also formed opinions of employees based on what they said. Marital trouble, problem children, questionable life choices - all these were red flags when I was considering hiring or promoting someone. I'm trying to temember any strong performer had these issues but I cant. Moral of the story : Dont talk about personal issues at work. They aren't friends, they're competitive co-workers. And, management is listening.
You really hit the nail on
You really hit the nail on the head here... I think that was probably my biggest point is that even on HERE.. people may be throwing logs on your fire.. and they may not always be telling you to do the thing that is going to result in the best outcome.. and like your coworkers etc.. there isn't always the full picture.. so opinions and advice can be not as relevant as you might think.
My SD also was telling me about one of her direct reports.. who she sympathizes with because she was once the very young newer hire.. but this new girl is going through some things outside of work.. that are causing her stress.. to the point where she actually called out of work from being "sick over it".. but she was also simultaneously offended because one of the older more jaded ladies at work aparently made a comment about her having the "cocktail flu".. and she resented the implications.. but you call out on a monday too much.. people will make assumptions!
I wanted to clarify
After I posted, I realized I should have explained better. I never condemned anyone for having marital problems, difficult children or questionable life choices - we all do, to some extent. My issue was people talking about these things in a work setting where employees are competing for promotions. Then, wondering why they are being passed over.
Yes.. we all have our dramas
Yes.. we all have our dramas and crosses to bear. But someone that appears to be embroiled in this kind of stuff constantly.. can't be surprised when people start viewing them as somewhat less capable of taking on a new responsibility. There also is the danger that people will end up seeing you as the problem..lol.
Somewhat a matter of semantics. Though this is exactly why I use
the terms "Standards of behavior" and "Standards of performance". Much like boundaries we set them. Much like Rules, they are structured. Though IMHO they have to be applied and enforced pragmatically.
Compromise with a mate is always advisable. Compromise with the blended family toxic opposition... not on my palate of options baring some clearly beneficial result , to my side. I couldn't give a flying rat's ass about the other side other than to keep them in their shit puddle where they belong.
I completely agree with ovesharing regardling our personal lives at work. Being personable and engaging with co-workers is a good thing IMHO. But.... that should not, and even cannot include TMI. Unless the over sharing individual accepts the risks. And there are risks.
I'm still guilty of this to
I'm still guilty of this to this day.
I don't share as much as I used to in my younger days when I would 'overshare' as a means of needing help making decisions, venting, thinking 'well if they know almost everything then no one can hold any information against me', and trying to get my friends/family to see my perspective (which would offer me a glimmer of comfort to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do)
But after destroying my reputation and messing up my opportunities by oversharing with the wrong people, I decided to 'reinvent' myself, change friends, change jobs, limit what I said, hire a therapist, work on personal development.
Somethings now I will simply take to the grave....
It’s very difficult to live with someone else
Both have to learn to give. The relationship that lasts IMHO. Each parener does some family jobs where the other oversee it but lets them roll. One pays the bills and does financial stuff. One runes the house. Last week I was talking to someone who was complaining about paying for school lunches for there GK. I said. I really didn't know what my kids did for lunch. If my DW gave them money to buy lunch. That what happen. Kids had to eat. This was not my responsibility