Calls, texts, videos ramping up
Over the past month, I have felt my anxiety level slightly increasing. I've done so well in the past with detaching from skid s***, but I feel this creeping fog rolling in.
First, we learned that SS--no car, no home, mooching SS--was planning to return to the US (to mommy's) because it's the beginning of Prince SS Season (his birthday, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas and New Year's). This mid-30s dude refuses to be an adult. His presence would be somewhat "acceptable" if he wasn't greedy, selfish and rude. His plan is to hang out at mommy's, and, as usual, he will borrow her car, eat her groceries, and otherwise mooch for 3+ months. Yay mommy. DH & I are clear that he is not coming here AT ALL, although I get that DH will want to see him.
Since learning this, SD has seriously ramped up her communication with DH. You can't help but think it's all part of some disordered toxic BM & Fam plot. The photos and videos of the grands are rolling in at a rapid pace--I'd guess daily. DH, who should honestly know better, occasionally shoves his phone in front of my face for me to see. It is clear that I am not engaging in any way with the grands or anyone else on that side of the tracks--I told him I am not falling into yet another hostage situation with kids dangled in front of us like carrots, only for us to receive smackdown after smackdown.
WHY--for what twisted reason--does a grown daughter do this when:
1. She rejected her father shortly after he remarried, and refused to speak with him for two years (immediately after asking for and getting money for cheerleading camp, only to remain silent until CS ended, at which time she needed money for college and other things)
2. She consistently behaved rudely to her SM through the years and has lied, screamed, and cried, denying it all, when DH has confronted her about it
3. She only asked to visit her father (two visits in almost 10 years) when she needed to groom him because she needed money for something (her wedding, for one, which he did not go for cash-wise)--Visit #1 was presented as a time to "reconcile" and "clear the air" with us/me, as she knew the rule was she wasn't coming back into our home without an apology to me & change in behavior
4. She has pretended in her community, among her friends and colleagues, to the public, that she does not have a father. He is INVISIBLE (DH is hurt by this but "excuses" it by saying she feels obligated to do this b/c of her mother)
5. Daddy was invited to the wedding (as was I) and was treated like pure crap (invisible and worse) by almost everyone there--it was clear that there is this WHOLE false narrative spread around the cult. When DH (again...yawn) confronted SD about our treatment at the event, SD (again...yawn) acted like she didn't know what he was talking about.
The wonderful suggestion here about "Give what you get" hits home so hard for me. I give what I get. I don't look for receiving. But I do give--or have given--and I put a halt to giving when I see the other person doesn't like me, despises me, is using me, or can't effing say "thank you." I do not get why DH refuses to give what he gets. He has done so well with boundaries, with standing our ground, but that hope-ium lingers. It is sad and pathetic.
He is planning another skid visit in a couple months. That's fine. Girlfriend get-together at my house! His skid visits aren't and haven't been unusual in our life. They take place outside of our town, state, and home, so that is fair. But he surprised me when he asked me the other day to send a funny meme I showed him to SS via social media. He KNOWS I have unfriended and blocked his kids and he knows WHY! Is he going nuts?!
I just see and feel his daughter purposely pulling him in emotionally through the grands--even moreso than in the past--and I'm so confused as to what she gets out of this (besides cash--but it has never been huge amounts). I wonder if she is living in some fantasy land, like DH, that imagines they have a real relationship? I wonder if this is part of a longstanding competition with me that she feels (along with her mother)?
Normally, I easily go about my business and my life--for some reason, this time around, I am feeling uneasy. Perhaps because I feel like there are underlying motives here, and I really don't know what they are. These people are so effing toxic.
Thanks for listening.
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Comments
Why
Why is she ramping it up with the gkids? I'm guessing, like any mom, she wants attention for her kids. As the kids get older, this need is greater. I agree she's clueless about how her own behavior has affected you both. Plus, there's the softening up effect prior to the holidays.
I'm seeing a version of this here. My SD62 and her daughter, C, are chronic sponges. Both are on government assistance and both are such constant beggars that most family members refuse their calls. Unfortunately, this is affecting C's 8yo son. Both DH87 and I are keeping our distance, not because of any dislike for the boy, but because if we showed interest, both SD62 and C would use that to extort more $. "Son really wants x, all his friends have x", "Grandson is so cute, but C needs $ so that she can xyz for him", etc.
You make good points except I
You make good points except I think SD has been fully aware of (and intentional about) her affects on us. She had a good teacher, BM, who she worships.
Everything
changes when grandkids come into the picture. Not just with the new parents but there is potential for a spousal reunion with BM via a walk down memory lane. When my DH's daughter had his first grandchild we inadvertently visited the hospital when BM was there and she made a pass at him. Later he said maybe she just forgot because of all the excitement. WTF??? He would do ANYTHING to avoid a confrontation or argument and he had said something really stupid things before but this really took the cake.
After she left I excused myself to visit the ladies room and instead got the car, turned off my phone and went home, leaving him without a way home. We lived about 45 minutes away. When he finally got home he asked me what the %^#? I was doing and I told him I forgot. It struck me as funny and I started laughing and then he started laughing. He thought he was off the hook but man, was he wrong. We had the fight to beat all fights. But he never said anything quite so stupid again.
I love your story. Also, what
I love your story. Also, what you say is a bit creepy because I can't tell you how many times I heard from BM, and then SD, that "We all have to get along because there will be graduations, weddings, and grandchildren." But their version of getting along was having total control of our lives and placing me in the role of side chick Wife #2, all the while regularly causing chaos in our lives.
That reminds me of
When a couple of years ago, after years of snotty, bratty, rudeness, OSDiabla27 announced to DH that she is "trying," what ever that means. She and YSD thought that meant I would now lay down in gratitude before them for the crumb thrown my way. She claimed to DH that she "felt bad" about some of her previous behavior. Quite magical thinking considering she made these vague comments to DH only, not me, and of course there was no apology.
The next time she came around I treated her the same as I always do, polite, civil and limited my time around her as much as possible. My DD21 does the same. Well, apparently SD got all butt hurt, offended and asked DH in a huff "Don't they know I'm 'trying?' It seems like Elea and her DD avoid me."
Ya think???
In what universe do they think we live? So bizarre that they think they can cause drama, chaos, be rude, argue with DH, cry and yell, actively sneak around to try and get rid of me, each and every visit and then believe that I will suddenly have an interest in them based on a passive comment with no back-up of changed behavior and actions? I don't think so.
I told DH that the only thing that will change my view of SD's is if I see a pattern of good behavior and actions over time.
Another example of the first failed family dysfunctional thinking:
BM moved out of state (hallelujah!) BM used to live 10 min down the road. It has been pure heaven that SD's can't just "pop in" whenever they like. It's also pure heaven that when SD's get b*atchy and butt hurt about nothing they can't announce "I"m going home!" and storm off to BM's house.
Fast forward, DH went to BM's state of resident for SD's graduation. I stayed home. Apparently after the graduation there was all kinds of fighting and drama between DH, SD's and BM. I don't even know all the details because I don't ask and don't care. Somehow at the end DH and BM decided to try to start being more amicable for the sake of the SDiablas. Fine by me. Here is the kicker tho. DH comes home and presents to me, as if he has secured a boars head on a platter, that BM invited us to come stay at her house when we are in her area. I said to DH, "What makes you think I would ever want to stay at BM's? I can't think of anything I would rather do less than hang out at BM's house!!!" WTF?!?! delusional thinking. When I said that it was almost like the spell was broken and DH woke up out of a trance. I could see reality light up in his eyes as he understood what an idiotic thing it was to entertain. BM has never apologized or made amends to me in any way for all the hateful things she said and did. She just wants me as the "side chick" as you accurately describe their mentality in your post.
So much of this is textbook
So much of this is textbook behavior. It's incredible.
And, yes, I know that "spell was broken" look. LOL.
Just the bullshit that the
Just the bullshit that the manipulative play to keep doing what they are doing. Play the special event heartstrings for some future event to keep victimizing their victims. They will keep their victims on toxic manipulation hook for as long as they can. Even throughout the adulthood of the Skid.
The SpermClan tried it with our son (my SS) who fortunately is far better, smarter, and of much higher quality than they are and has purged them from his life. Their fault, they kept trying their bullshit after he reached adulthood. He has known the facts since he was single digit aged and learned their tells as he was growing up. He called them on their bullshit before he aged out from under the CO/Visitation schedule. When they continued their bullshit once he reached adulthood, he no longer had to give them any time or consideration, and hasn't. He reciprocates their lack of effort at this point. After trying to manipulate and guilt, him into "repaying the CS" that they paid, helping support his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs, etc... he wrote them off. They earned it. They make no effort since he smacked them with clarity that he isn't paying them for his serial statutory rapists breeding career Spermidiot, he reciprocates their effort.
we inadvertently visited the
she would have been dragged out that hospital and he would ended up a patient
Love your response of leaving him there at that hospital to figure it out
***I don't advocate domestic violence, outside of self defense, but sometimes people have to learn a lesson if they cross uncrossable lines
I would have immediately
I would have immediately called her on it in front of everyone. The SKids, their spouses, her partner, the hospital staff, etc....
Then I would make that a regular reminder communication to everyone I had contact information on for all of eternity. Particularty the character void and the kids.
If she had physically touched me, I would have defended myself and pressed charges for assault.
Lather..... rinse..... repeat.
His plan is to hang out at
Lol! That's what mommy dearest raised. Let him mooch off her so she can reap the "benefits" of her lackadaisical parenting
My thoughts exactly.
My thoughts exactly.
The grim reaper of parenting
The grim reaper of parenting reaping the benefits of their failed parenting. Classic.
Like you I would be bemused
Like you I would be bemused by DH asking me to send SS a meme, when he knows you've blocked him. I think, the thing is, these Dads never give up the happy families fantasy and carry on hoping, even when it's a complete delusion. And the reason SD keeps reaching out with photos etc, is if DH gets to the point where he gives up and doesn't care, she will not be able to torment him any more, and she enjoys doing this!
Scary!
I never before thought of her actions being focused on: Look what you're missing out on because you abandoned us [their rewriting of history]! If you hadn't abandoned us, you would be right here enjoying your grandchildren!
SD mentioned to me years ago that when she was younger, she felt like I was "taking her dad away from her" (obviously a fear fed by BM, who felt abandoned by DH anytime he dated after the divorce). You wonder if this is some sort of vengeful action. Weird. I do not doubt for one second that BM has mentioned to her that DH is really missing out! Everything this "girl" does is either phony and/or has an ulterior motive attached to it (like her mother).
I notice DH seems much more secure and stable and realistic when this is not going on. I suppose part of my anxiety has been seeing a change in him that I believe is associated with the ramped up communication. I also need to acknowledge/recognize that we're coming up on the anniversary of his severe health scare/crisis last year, when more family stuff/problems came to a head.
SD figured out that SS
Is coming for mooching MONEY from you. She afraid SS will get her mooching money first. Leaving less money for her. She just staking her claim as the good SK. So the majority of your money goes to the right person. Her.
Right out of the mooching hand book. 2024 addition
LOL. But what is really funny
LOL. But what is really funny is he is not coming HERE. Bwahahhah!