Should I allow adult skid plus family to sleep over?
The tenants I had in my home decided to leave for another state, so we moved back into our home. It's been okay, DH has been gone trucking again but he's here for the week. I'm having a belated birthday celebration for him today and invited SS24 and SS19. To recap for those of you who aren't familiar with my story, DH had custody of his first 2 kids from when they were about 5 and 10, and I came into the picture 2 years later. We didn't have the best relationship, and SS24 was forced out (by me as the driving factor) because he wouldn't save to leave and he didn't respect the house rules. SS19 left last year after dropping out of high school and being forced to join a job corp program *again with me as a driving factor) which he was kicked out of 4 months later for possession of marijuana.
I had downsized into a tiny studio during this time because I called it, I knew he'd either quit or get kicked out and I didn't want there to be any possibilities of him asking to move back, so he moved in with SS24. This setup works well for SS24 since he is using SS19 to babysit, and now oopsy baby number 2 is on the way so there is no incentive in wanting SS19 to leave. The way I see it, it's all playing out and I'm watching from afar.
But now I'm back in the house and celebrating DH today and I invited them. I thought it would be cruel not to, and I know DH's grandson brings him joy. I've only ever seen his grandson when he was born, but haven't taken much initiative to see him because of who SS24 is as a person (most likely will try to use us as babysitters). But I have pushed DH to go visit them and he did about once a month while he was home.
I am having some anxiety about today now though. I've decided to do a get together in the evening, so what if SS24 asks if gf and baby can sleep over (he has to go work the overnight shift after our party). What if SS19 asks if he can sleep over with the baby? I don't wanna be rude, but I don't want to be close to them, I'm only inviting them so that DH can be celebrated by them, I don't want to open a door where they can stay over. I am just not ready for that. How should I word the "no" if they do ask to sleep over in a way that respects my boundaries but doesn't leave them feeling like crap?
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The thing I tend to do in
The thing I tend to do in this scenario is make it obvious in a friendly way before they were to arrive that you aren't wanting or expecting to have them over.
Something like, can't wait to see you guys! If you need help finding a hotel or Airbnb we can advise of ones close by. Looking forward to your visit! See you at noon etc
I agree if you don't want to set a precedence then you need to make it clear the first time they come that they won't be staying over. If you allow them once they'll expect its ok in the future
In other words don't be vague because it would be worse if they arrive with bags and then it's unclear or they ask when they are already at your house...you need to avoid that scenario..
thank you
for your response. They live about an hour away, so what I'm thinking is they're taking a cab here. So it's a bit of a different dynamic.
If they're only an hour away
If they're only an hour away then they have no reason sleep over.
If they outstay their welcome in the hope of staying (and we all know it won't be for just one night), be blunt. It's getting close to your bedtime. You're tired. No, they can't stay. Call them an uber.
However, I agree that you'd best let them know before they arrive that they can't stay. Just make sure your husband is on the same page.
Just play it cool
Think about about starting fresh. SS has to earn your trust , give him all the rope he needs . Hopefully he turned it around . GK are to be spoiled. Because they go hone
unfortunately
While I do feel GK are to be spoiled, I don't consider Step gk as my own....so there's no incentive to spoil.
I am having some anxiety
like this .... "NO!" .... (end of conversation)
You don't need to explain, rationalize, or anything like that.
One word. It's the FINAL answer.
Men who act like they can't understand no without you having to launch into you giving them reasons why you're telling them no are problematic.
You're not responsible for a grown man's feelings.
I just feel like SS24 is so manipulative
So it'll be something like...."oh i have to go to work and it's pretty late, is it okay if gf and baby stay here til the morning" or SS19 "oh i want you to see how good stepgs is, I want to stay over so he can spend time with you guys"....and....I'm afraid also of this happening to DH and DH saying yes. Obviously DH is fine with all of them, so he wouldn't mind it...but I just feel like it's the wedge principle. So I'm also wanting to bring this up to DH to prepare him, but I just know it's going to dampen his mood/probably piss him off.
"We are no longer having
"We are no longer having overnight guests. I'll just call you a cab"
End of story. Not your problem.
also wanting to bring this up
Which is cool .... IF he's single and his actions / kids actions don't affect anyone but him. But he's married and now decisions have to be made with you both in mind.
Have him chip in to buy his family an Airbnb nearby so he can see them all day but then they take their mess, noise, and unpaid babysitting labor to the Airbnb spot
oh well - again he as a man has got to be able to come up with solutions to a challenge rather than sulk like a little kid who doesn't get his way.
at least you're giving him a heads up so he can figure out solutions that don't require trampling over your boundaries in your home
This how people (like your DH and step sons) try to use emotions to manipulate others into behaving to their advantage
your home, your rules, your advantage
Yes to all the above
Also, I don't know how old you are but there's no shame in playing the "I don't feel up to coping with overnight guests " card... what with work , getting older, my poor knees, etc. whatever you can use to your advantage.
If you really don't want them
If you really don't want them over you really do need to be honest and upfront with your husband. If you worry about him saying yes you need to tell him how you feel ahead of time. Don't just wait for him to say yes.
Just like letting the others know ahead of time. Or... If no one let's them know ahead of time then at a time early in the evening around 9pm or so stand up and yawn and say it's so great they came over however you need to get to bed and drive safe on the way back home. You have to communicate what you need. The alternative is that you don't communicate and they stay over...
thanks Yesterday
You're right, and I will bring this up to DH now. You know, it's been over 2 years SS24 left and he only has made effort to come for Thanksgiving and Christmas, because they have no other family to go to, but he doesn't even offer to bring anything. Same with today, which is fine, but I'm just done with the idea of being family so they can get favors out of us. I don't want to have to pretend and start with a sleepover. For me we need to take it one step at a time.
Good.
Good.
Sounds like their circling around to try to get some free meals, free childcare and whatever else they can squeeze out of y'all
Next time (if there is one),
Next time (if there is one), be sure to state time limits on any get together you host: "I'm having some people round to celebrate your dad's birthday, and would love it if you'd come. Saturday from three to eight, and as far as gifts go, your dad mentioned he'd really like A, B, or C. Please tell baby mama that a side dish would be very welcome".
Agree, ask for what you need.
Agree, ask for what you need. You can be kind and optimistic for your DH. You know he'll be glad to spend time with them. You hope they have matured. You're glad to host them and see how it goes, but please let's not push it. I'd really appreciate no overnights if they ask.
Be Honest
Tell them that's not an option.....you do not need the added housework the next day. If necessary, get your DH to drive them back home since they are taking a cab to your home.
For the future, when you want them to "celebrate" something with their dad, have it at a restaurant, not your home.
Two words : squatters rights
Two words : squatters rights. No way would I entertain either if your skids spending the night. Your DH is weak and one could turn into YEARs again.
Trust is earned over time of observation and consistency, not words.
I'd either give them a
I'd either give them a timeframe "feel free to come over to celebrate DH- we were thinking 6-8."
or have the celebration at a restaurant so they don't step foot into your house.
^This! .... meet them at a
^This! .... meet them at a restaurant, entertainment center, so someone else can feed, entertain, clean after them and their kids plus everyone can leave when they want to
If transportation is going to
If transportation is going to be a problem for them, I'd have your husband (and you at a last resort) offer to drive them home. Offer up front before they arrive, so they know leaving is expected. It is an imposition, but it gets them out of your house.
I'm not sure if the age of the baby, but with kids it is much more comfortable to be at home with all the baby stuff so you might be over worrying. It's good to get ahead of it, but it may not be an issue.
Oh goodness, I hope I am not
Oh goodness, I hope I am not too late.
NO NO NO NO NO
I had to tell a relative the following, "We no longer participate in stay overs at our home"
Your family lives 1 hour away--they can drive home, OR go back the same way they arrived. Maybe you should drive to their house?.
OR foot the bill for them at a local hotel IF you feel the need.
Do not let them stay ---sounds like you do not trust them. They may never leave.
Good Luck.
They choose to feel how they
They choose to feel how they choose to feel. Do not feel yourself into tolerating the risk of their presence beyond the brief celebration of SO's B-day.
You know them and you know how they are. You have no reason to guilt yourself into tolerating the risk of their presence beyond the defined boundaries you establish for each visit.
If they ask to stay, be direct, and tell them no. They do not arrive before the time that YOU stipulate and they leave when DH leaves for his shift. Leave as in they walk out of thre door when he does. Do not risk any time alone with any of them. Ever.
Period. Dot.
End of discussion. They do not pass go. They do not collect $200. Life is not Monopoly. They are who they are and they have not earned anything more than that. Do not let the presence of the GSKid soften your spine on this.
Take care of you.