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Our First Week With SS12 Has Ended

CastleJJ's picture

BM picked up SS12 today. She was wearing a sweatshirt that said "wifey" on it, almost like she is trying to remind us all that she is married to GF. She was decent to DD2 and told us that DD is talking a lot more, which is true. After 5 years of promising, BM still isn't taking SS to Canada after a pick-up. We live an hour from the border. But she is driving an hour in the opposite direction of home to take SS to her old college stomping grounds... again for the millionth time. I am starting to think Canada won't happen like many other promised things in SS' life.

Overall, we had a nice visit with SS12. We had a few minor issues where BM and GF's home infiltrated ours. SS freaked out for 2 days over aspartame, protein grams, macros, etc. He was worried about the food we were giving him. I explained that last summer, he was freaked out about sugar and so this time, we bought zero sugar and now he won't eat/drink it because of artificial sweetners. We couldn't win. We always keep meals balanced with protein, carbs, fruits, and vegetables, with sweets in moderation so I don't know what his deal was. He worked out every single day, which was fine; it gave him something to do.

BM and GF called SS on Day 3 while we were driving. Once they realized he wasn't alone, they were careful in what they said and SS barely spoke in return. BM didn't really say much but GF asked tons of probing questions about his visit and us. GF then went on bragging about a recent work call and a gift she got a friend who is relocating. The gift said "Good luck finding friends as cool as us"... Ego much? The call lasted 7 minutes. 

SS has been wearing his smart tracking/cell watch all week. I know for a fact that BM texted him yesterday but can't tell if she or GF have communicated via the watch any of the other days. It was frustrating because BM texted DH yesterday to set up a call with SS for last night, despite the fact she was picking him up this morning. DH allowed the call because we can't say "No" per the CO. Right after the call was scheduled, BM started texting SS on his watch. What is the purpose of calling SS for a twice weekly chat if you are just going to text him anyway? It's also annoying because we don't have access to text SS on BM's time. All communication has to go through BM. They called SS last night for 20 minutes. As soon as SS had DH's phone, he ran and hid in his room with the door shut, so they could gossip and talk shit about us I'm sure. I couldn't make out any words, but I could tell it was a gossipy/negative tone of voice. 

I hate SS having the watch because 1) it tracks his location and 2) it allows him to text approved contacts (i.e. BM, GF, and friends). I know this is a part of this generation and taking it away will only alienate SS further. I just hate giving SS access to something that could allow BM to PAS in our home. I am dreading the watch and 6 phone calls when SS comes next visit. The phone calls and watch situation have caused big issues over the years with BM and GF interfering with our time by putting things into SS' head while he's here.

SS comes back in 8 days and will be here for 3 weeks. We are going on vacation to Florida for a week and a half. Hopefully, my fears won't come to fruition and we can have a nice visit next time. Last year's trip to Florida with SS was hell. 

Comments

Dogmom1321's picture

When SD14 was younger the "private" phone calls would annoy me to no end. BM would asked to be taken off speaker and SD would run up to her room. Sh!t talking was going on 100%. It perpetuated the whole "my mom told me not to tell" saga, and taught SD to manipulate IMHO. 

Can your DH ask SS to take off the watch and just leave it in the kitchen? You're not taking it away and he still has access to it if he wants to text BM. But alleivates the invasion of privacy IMO with the whole location tracking thing. 

CastleJJ's picture

He doesn't wear it much at the house, just moreso when we go out somewhere. I don't think he would take it off and leave it home. We asked him to leave it home while we went swimming (it isn't waterproof) and SS got super anxious. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You just know that BM told him some story about how he had to be sure and wear the watch whenever he left the house in case something happened and he got lost and she had to be able to find him. While I so wish you could just take it away from him, I understand why you can't. Happy to hear that for the most part it was a good visit.

Rags's picture

Hmmm. Canada is an hour away?  So, why don't you and DH make a weekend drive to Canada? Either with SS on his next visit, or.... without him and chare it.

Just to make a point that "Wifey" BM is a POS.

I would.  I would do both.  Take that away, demonstrate to SS that BM is full of crap.

I feel for this kid, for DH, and for you in all of this.

It is long past time, IMHO, to test the CO and BM to see if she has the stones to take it to court. Don't answer her calls. She is interfering in SS's visitation. Take the watch, put it in a drawer. Do not allow closed door conversations with BM.  When SS or BM cry about it, just tell them that you are modeling BM's standards regarding communication with SS. If the CO says no refusing calls, then that has to apply to BM as well. If she refuses calls, daddy can do it too.  What is good for the goose, is good for the gander. So to speak.

At 12, the horizon is short enough that 9it is long past time to start shoving BM's head in the shit filled toilet she is creating in all of this.  If the kid has no officially documented dietary restrictions, then ignore what the mommies at BM's place think, say, do, etc......  

If the Skid wants to go down that path, have a shit ton of actual medical documentation staged to give the Skid clarity.

This situation makes me nauseaus.  I am so sorry that  you and your DH have to deal wkith all of this. 

CastleJJ's picture

We can't take SS to Canada. We don't have his passport, BM does, and she will not hand it over without a fight. There is nothing in the CO granting us access to his passport and BM is sole legal and custodial. I'm not going to argue over an hour drive to Canada; a 7-day Caribbean cruise, maybe. 

BM and DH follow the CO. BM has never denied calls. But when DH knows he is picking SS up, he doesn't feel the need to have a call the day before. DH doesn't feel the need for that level of communication and has respect for the time. BM on the other hand will ensure she gets her "2 calls per week" as outlined in the CO, even if she is seeing SS the next day. She doesn't have the respect of "I don't need the call, I'm seeing him tomorrow." We aren't worried about BM taking us back to court, but there's also no contempt that we can build a case on either.

As far as the watch goes, if we take the watch away, it is only going to alienate SS for us. Yes, we are absolutely within our rights to take it away, but why? He uses the watch at home daily for more than just talking to BM and GF so taking it away here, when he doesn't see an issue with having it, and without really any reason aside from us not wanting SS to have access to BM, it's just going to backfire. It's like trying to take away a teen's cell phone for no reason. If we keep pushing SS on issues that are annoying to us but aren't "wrong," he is just going to stop visiting.

We haven't catered to anything else thus far. When he mentioned the aspartame, I told him he could either drink the zero sugar or drink water, his choice. We didn't make special meals or anything - he ate what we made. He did the activities we did. We did not change our routine to suit SS. 

Rags's picture

Well.... harrruummpphh.

Dash 1

I'll just have to be irritated... for you then.  This has to make your side feel helpless.  It certainly makes me feel helpless for you.

Just don't forego the 7 day Cruise to accomodate SS if BM plays games with his passport. Make the request, document, then get on with life and enjoy your own family events without SS.

6 more years. Then... your kid will be an only child and the dynamic shifts to whatever it will be regarding SS.

Take care of you and your LO.  

Give rose

CastleJJ's picture

Oh trust me, DH and I feel totally helpless. We feel like we have no control over anything related to SS, even in our home. Even if BM can't tell us what to do in our home, SS is vocal about his objections which always align with BM's wishes. 

We have gotten used to the "Aunt/Uncle" role that BM and GF have forced us into. We have tried to accept it for what it is, but it is still so damn annoying. The double standards drive us bonkers. We still live our lives regardless, traveling, experiencing life without SS. While I want these next 6 years to fly by so we can rid ourselves of BM and GF, we are also trying to cherish the time we have left of SS' childhood. We know adulthood will bring other priorities for SS and the relationship will likely be distant at best. In the meantime, we focus on DD2 and hopefully the next baby Castle that we are planning for sometime next year. 

Rags's picture

Or... ended up in a pocket of a Skid pair of pants benevelently laundered using the long wash setting on high temp (washer and dryer) by a loving SParent.

I-m so happy

Lillywy00's picture

BM picked up SS12 today. She was wearing a sweatshirt that said "wifey" on it
 

LOL - sounds kind of thirsty for attention 

Winterglow's picture

The next time you see the wifey sweatshirt, politely ask her if she's a longtime fan. If BM is a blonde, even better. (Wifey is/was a porn star.)

Biggrin

Lol