Cell Phone Dilemma
SS12 got a cell phone in September. BM bought it without consulting DH, set the phone up with all of her parental controls (that only BM and GF have access to), and they pay for the phone line. DH sent BM an email when SS told DH he got the phone, asking specifics. BM told DH exactly what the phone was capable of (Life360 for GPS tracking, Apple Family for app monitoring and tracking, passcode protection, etc). BM didn't include DH in any of the monitoring/tracking access, not did she provide SS' passcode and basically said the only input DH has on the phone is to take it away if SS is misbehaving during our visits.
SS has had the phone over the last few visits and it has been mostly good, but I feel like his phone use is increasing and it is driving me insane that we have no way to monitor what SS is doing on this phone. BM told DH that there are time limits for SS to be on the phone, but SS told us a few days ago that he can "request more time" if he wants more time and apparently, BM has been approving more time while he is here. Everytime DH or I glance to try to see what he is doing, he turns a different direction or switches apps. When DH tries to see his passcode as he enters it, SS just turns the screen off. We are certain BM and GF have told SS to avoid giving us any details on the phone and SS follows that.
We know that confronting BM and trying to be involved in this is going to be a non-starter. DH said our options are to leave it alone, take the phone away when SS visits (which will only alienate SS) or provide SS with a different phone here (which I think will also alienate him). I feel like we are in a lose-lose situation here where BM can track our every move, text whenever, and access everything SS does, but yet we can't/don't have the same. I just feel like it's really intrusive, especially for longer visits. BM has stripped any parental authority DH has via PAS, making SS believe we are basically fun extended relatives with no parental authority or say, even in our own home or during our own visits. It's basically like a nephew visiting an aunt/uncle. We have tried counteracting that during our visits but it only leads to SS shutting down and it alienates him. Again, damned if we do and damned if we don't. We have 5 more years until SS ages out and I feel like this is going to be a constant issue.
Thoughts on this? Am I just being crazy?
- CastleJJ's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
personally, for young kids..
personally, for young kids.. I would not allow any phone in the home unless I had access to the log in info.
Two options. 1. provide a working login during visits..
2. phone can stay in the drawer and child will be provided a mean of contacting other parent via bio parent or step parent cell.
SS is almost 13. It's going
SS is almost 13. It's going to be dang near impossible to take a cell phone from a teenager without doing serious damage to an already fragile parent-child relationship.
In this case.. .it may be
In this case.. .it may be that you cannot do a thing... if your DH cant parent his son.. then he will have to sit and allow it.
This is an absolute losing
This is an absolute losing battle.
I will tell you from my personal experience. When the kids were younger and the first one showed up, no notice with a phone. We added DH to the tracking. When kid got back to mom's within hours, he was deleted.
Then we tried the additional phone we paid for, the kids hate that, cause they had all the snapchats, etc we wouldn't allow, and on our phone didn't have access to.
After multiple attempts, we gave up. We did try having them leave at home when we went somewhere, but as teens age....this is miserable for everyone involved.
It is an absolute intrusion. Life 360 even tells you how fast the person is driving. Not that we had anything to hide, but damn.
The only thing we could really enforce was no Facetiming mommy in our house. That went too far and was my hill to die on. You can go to the park, Starbucks, anywhere but the interior of my home or my property.
So basically our best course
So basically our best course of action is to do nothing and just leave it alone. Ugh. I knew that was likely the answer.
I also forgot....SD peed down
I also forgot....SD peed down both legs for an Apple Watch a few years ago.
DH got it for her. She has never worn it and I assume since he set it up, BM thinks he can track her (he didn't even think of that) and SD says she can't get it to work, mom tried to reset.....mmmmkay. I see what happened there. LOL She has been supposed to bring it the last two or three visits to have DH fix it (long distance visitation schedule long time between) and never does.
DH bought SS an Amazon Kids
DH bought SS (then 5) an Amazon Kids tablet when BM moved out of state and had it all set up so SS could Skype DH after the move. There were no tracking features or anything on it; it was just bare bones for Skype purposes. Within 2 weeks of SS having it, it mysteriously "broke" and that was the end of it. Last year, 6 years later, BM returned it back to DH and said he could recycle it.
EXACTLY what has happend to
EXACTLY what has happend to many items, not just electronics, that have come from our house.
"The dog destroyed it". "It got lost" ohhhh the many excuses.
Are you allowed to text SS
Are you allowed to text SS during BM's time? If the answer is no- then BM isn't allowed to text during DH's time and if there's no way of monitoring it- he losss the phone due to BMs lack of cooperation. Be sure to let SS know why... at 13 he's old enough to understand a double standard...
Developmentally he's a teen.... not a little boy but a teen who can understand things like a double standard in a way a young child can't.
Yes, DH and SS text while SS
Yes, DH and SS can text while SS is at BM's.
That's huge!!! That opens a
That's huge!!! That opens a major communication between your DH and SS... I'd try to focus on that win as much as possible. When it comes to leaving the house I'd tell him to leave the phone at home because BM has no business tracking your whereabouts during a visit. Again, I'd put that blame directly on BM. If she'd remove the tracking capabilities then you can have it- but since she refuses you can't... I'm sorry she's not more trusting of you SS....
Here's The Issue.....
And keep in mind I have a friend who works for Homeland Security and prosecutes "online" predators.
THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL A 12 OR 13 YEAR OLD WOULD HAVE AN UNMONITORED PHONE IN MY HOME!!!
Online predators are at an all time high and the sex trade/slave industry is booming. The stories my friend tells me are horrific; how they are luring kids to leave their homes and meet them, only to just disappear into thin air. As the adults in your home, you are responsible for the minor child.
And this is exactly what I'd tell the BM. You either share the passcode with this home or he leaves the phone at your house and we will provide a phone here that we can monitor online activity to PROTECT OUR SON. We will NOT be in the dark on this matter. A serious hill to die on in my world.
Ugh. I hate the damn step world. Common sense leaves the room in this world. SMH
EDIT: Coming back to add....if you don't want to take that route, then I'd inform the BM via email where it's documented that you are not comfortable with the situation because of security reason for minor child and are putting all responsibility of the phone and any issues on HER since she refuses to share access to phone with your home.
The phone is monitored... By
The phone is monitored... By BM and GF. It has all the parental controls including Life360 for GPS tracking, phone mirroring that shows them exactly what SS is looking at, restrictions on contacts he can call/text, apps he can download, websites he can visit. The phone is 100% controlled... It's just that my DH doesn't have any access to monitor/track any of it. Only BM and GF have access. BM feels that they can track/monitor SS's phone usage no matter what house he is in.
It's So Unsettling......
With you guys not having any ability to SEE for yourselves. You are being forced to trust the BM. I would not agree to that in my home at that age, but again, here we are in StepHell.
I'd consider this: since you guys have zero access to a phone in your home, I'd advise BM to keep his phone at the house and you will provide one for him at your home. Yes, it will be a shit show so I guess you have to decide what's best for your home life. Confront or just let it be. I'm sorry. Your BM disgusts me.
Maybe secretly take a video
Maybe secretly take a video of him on your phone entering the passcode over his shoulder (such as when he's sitting at the table) then you can rewatch him entering it.
It was me I would provide a
It was me I would provide a phone, maybe even one slightly more better or fun he can use at your house only and throw bio moms in a drawer
The hardest part is that if
The hardest part is that if we provide a phone at our house, it won't be a duplicate of his phone. He won't have his friend's contacts, his apps, etc. We have no way to access any of that to add it to a different phone. SS' phone isn't just for talking to BM and GF, but also his friends, his sports teams, his games, etc. I think if we try to take SS' phone or provide a different phone, SS will be like "wtf" and we will be the paranoid/weird ones. SS doesn't see BM's issues like we do so he believes everything she says and does is normal. He's almost a teenager and teens live for their cell phones. I think any action at this point will just alienate him further from DH and I. I think we might just have to sit on this issue and let it happen. We are doing so well with SS and I don't want to jeopardize that.
I told DH that the tracking really bothers me. Even if BM isn't looking at it (which I doubt she isn't), I don't like knowing we're being tracked by her. DH says "who cares" because she is seeing us run to the grocery store or to Costco. For me, it's just the principle and double standard that she has all this knowledge and power over us and our household and we don't have crap.
Cell phones are big problems
Apple can make a duplication iPhone for you by putting the two phones together and doing magic. You then have to remove what you want from your phone. BM and her GF must stay up at night to think thus stuff up. Getting a duplication phone. Telling BM what you are doing. Giving her the phone number [playing nice] In all ways. [ cough, cough]
When SS comes over for visit. BM Phone gets turn off in draw. Until he leaves and he uses your phone. You must realize this is going to be a constant problem, Next is a watch. And after. I can't stay up all night. IDK.
'SS is 12 yo ...you have to 18..that's 6 more years of dysfunctional BM.
'You living so far away where you don't have weekly contact is a major disadvantage. The courts will look at it as if DH really wanted to be a real father. He would live close,, and actually be involved with his son. Everyday sports. School. Activity, Boy Scouts. Coaching his son in little league , soccer, Not sitting 1,000s of miles away. Worring about his phone. Sorry my PDST.
SS already had a watch. The
SS already had a watch. The watch came before the phone. The difference is, it was easier to tell a kid to leave a watch than to tell a teen to leave a phone.
DH didn't choose to live far away from BM and lose SS. DH lived 20 minutes from BM and SS for several years and saw him several times per week. He went to sport games, doctor appointments, etc. BM moved SS out of state (250 miles away) to move in with her long distance GF. DH tried to fight the move and lost in court because BM had primary physical and sole legal and "kids need their Mom." BM made it clear after she moved that she moved to keep DH away from SS. We aren't chasing BM all over the country. DH has spent years in court and a minimum of $30k to fight for SS. We have literally done everything we can aside from giving up the life we have built and moving to BMLand. I would be careful to judge without knowing the facts of my story.
In this instance I think do
In this instance I think do the exact opposite of whatever bullshit made up scenario BM has detailed for SS is the best route. You know she has drilled it in his head that you guys are out to get his passcode and go through his phone like you are the Russian secret service. So by doing nothing SS will probably be confused you guys could care less and he can’t go back to BM and tell he she was right about you guys freaking over the phone and trying to control it.
So teach SS by doing nothing.
So teach SS by doing nothing. Counterprove BM's mindgames. Forcibly make SS realize we aren't the problem by being the exact opposite of what BM portrays us to be.
When we were in this
When we were in this situation, we took my SDs' phones away as soon as we picked them up, at every pick up, and gave them flip phones that they could use to call and text BM. Our reasoning was that we couldn't allow ANY devices in our house that were connected to the internet unless we had full access to them. BM didn't want us to see the shit-talking she was doing, nor did she want us to have proof that she was letting them have unrestricted access to social media, so she refused. We handled it this way from the time she first gave OSD a smart phone, at 11 years old, until each of them were 18. It was a big fuss the first month or so (we did week on/week off) and then it just became the expectation and it wasn't an issue again. Eventually we did give them phones that looked like smart phones, but still only had the ability to call and text, so that they could use them to text friends more easily and also they blended in better at school, etc.
For me, it's more of a digital safety issue than anything else. Both parents should share the responsibility of monitoring what their minor child is doing online. A child, even a boy, can encounter all kind of predators and sextortion in the blink of an eye. There's just no way I'd allow the risk of that to occur under my roof.
UPDATE: DH figured out SS'
UPDATE: DH figured out SS' passcode on the first try. DH had watched SS enter it enough times to figure it out. Believe it or not, it is BM and GF's birthdays... shocker.
DH went through the texts while SS was in the shower. BM and GF are still listed as "Mom" and "Mama" in the contacts, same as they were previously in the smartwatch. But, for once, DH is listed as "Dad" and not first name. BM and GF have group texted SS at least 10 times per day, every day since he arrived last week. The funny thing is that while SS is responding, it isn't all lovey dovey like I expected. They keep telling him how much they love and miss him and he just responds "Me too." It's pretty much the same way he responds to us. Luckily, there wasn't any shit talking in any of the texts so that's good. It also appears they took all time limits off the phone while he is here (he had 20 minute per day limits at BM's where the phone completely disables from apps and games). He has been on it non-stop using apps and games because there is no longer a limit, so DH has had to constantly tell him to put it away.
BM admitted in one of the texts that she fully expected DH to buy SS a really expensive pair of slippers (over $100) for Christmas (incinuating that DH owes it to SS - walking ATM). We didn't buy the slippers. SS told BM we didn't buy the slippers, so now she is trying to find the slippers for SS. Awe poor baby didn't get everything on his list. Yet, ironically, BM got SS a $50 gift card and a sweatshirt for Christmas so it's funny she expected us to go all out. I laughed and told DH that BM can expect us to buy SS all kinds of things as "retribution" for being "total deadbeats," but she is going to be continuously disappointed. We aren't buying SS's love and we aren't spoiling this kid.
I feel better know that we can now at least look at what is going on, even if we can't control it. It's better than being completely in the dark.
I think you can now control
I think you can now control the time- 20 minutes you get at moms? 20 minutes you get here then the phone sits on a counter. You're not asking to break into it- but rather not be glued to it so as not to model screen staring to your young daughter...