In A Funk
I had a dream about BM and GF last night. They came to pick SS up and things got heated. I basically told them both everything I've been holding in for the last 10 years. These dreams happen maybe a few times a year, and I think it's my subconscious trying to vent all the anger and resentment I feel about my steplife situation. Since I can't really vent it aloud, it vents in my dreams.
I always hate when I have these dreams because it causes me to give BM and GF too much headspace the next day. Then it leads me down a path of insecurity. BM isn't like some of the BMs on this site - mooching off of welfare, unemployed, neglectful, etc. Her and I are in the same career field and she makes about $30k more than I do, she is very book smart and well accomplished, she has SS full-time (which obviously is the key source of resentment), she's athletically fit, she seems to have a loving and good relationship with GF, and she has a large social network.
Lately, I have been in a funk about my life. I was "promoted" last Fall. I use air quotes because it was only a $1500 raise, but double the workload was added to my plate. I didn't want this promotion, but could I turn it down without losing my job. It was a "company restructuring effort." During this promotion, I was transferred to a different team under a different manager. Needless to say, I hate my new manager. She is never available when urgent support is needed, constantly pawns off her work on us, and is incredibly unapproachable and rude. I have been looking and applying to other jobs, jobs that pay slightly more, and I have been met with rejection after rejection. I have been applying for months and can't even get an interview. Because I work remote from home, I struggle having a social life outside of work. DH and I moved to the area two years ago, yet I have struggled to meet more than a few people. So I spend all day working at a job I hate from the confines of my home, then spend my evenings taking care of DD and spending time with DH and I repeat this on a daily basis with nothing else to really add. Since having DD two years ago, I have struggled accepting my new body and have felt more self-conscious than ever, leading to struggles with intimacy, additionally impacting my relationship with DH. My doctor said that hormones and my birth control are also likely playing a factor. We love spending time together and we do a great job of managing work, DD, and the house, but outside of that, the "spark" is missing. DH has tried so hard to bring it back - planning date nights, surprising me with little things, taking on additional household work to give me a break, but it's not helping.
I know that I don't truly know what BM and GF's life is like, nor do I want to be either of them, but sometimes these insecurities pop up and it sucks for a while. Even though I have mostly accepted the reality of our steplife situation, sometimes it just sucks not seeing SS and knowing we have zero control over that portion of our lives. I am hoping that my personal situation improves soon.
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Must be something in the air
I had a disturbing nightmare last night as well but in my case I think it was bc I have to go pro se in a lawsuit on Monday against a waste mgnt company that totaled Chef's work van due to distracted driving--rammed the van with the truck's robotic arm.
Too large for small claims court and too large for any attorney to take the case. Of course, they have an attny on retainer as a big company trying his hardest to get the case dismissed despite the fact I have 17 exhibits of multi pages evidence.
Bad bosses! We've all been plagued by them. I have to say that with only one exception, female managers are the worst in my experience. Don't feel bad about the job situation. Its not you, despite the rhetoric, the economy is slowing dramatically and the employee's market is drying up.
As for SS, it is what it is. Unfortunately until the courts view PAS as the child abuse it is, children and the targeted parent will continue to suffer. There's far too much money to be made off of the current; unfair INjustice system.
As far as libido, its all about hormones. Ever since I had to quit HRT, I'm back to ZERO. Not sure if you're able to tests for hormone levels but it's worth a try.
I have to say that with only
OT but Agreed. Most of my experiences with sh*tty managers ironically were insecure inexperienced women who IMO had no business leading .... ugh!!!!
Anyways when dealing with these employers and the people they chose to hire I have a hope for the best but plan for the worst - esp the ones that terminate at will....
Hope everything works in your favor!
You are deeply into your own
You are deeply into your own head.
I'm a pragmatist and I am a direct thinker on resolving issues.
That said, BM and her GF have F'd SS's life up to the point that in all liklihood he will never live anything near a calm pleasant life. His only respite is you, DH and your DD. BM and her GF have no superiority over you. SS's issues are proof of that.
Regarding your job. Change your profile on LinkedIn, enter job search and notifications on the major job platforms, and keep looking. Never stop. That way you can continually revise your choice to remain in this job.
You are wonderful. Never forget that.
Do what is best for you and your LO.
Thank you, Rags! I really
Thank you, Rags! I really needed that reminder and this shift in perspective made me feel better. I think it is often so hard to see how much BM and GF have F'ed up SS' life because he prefers them so much. With them, he seems much more open and with us he is so guarded. But I know that is the twisted results of PAS. You are correct though. He is not a happy, normal 12 year old. He is a burned out, anxious, mini adult who feels the weight of the world. They have robbed him of a childhood, except for the few weeks he is here.
I paid to have my resume, cover letter, and LinkedIn profile completely redone last Fall by a professional resume company. I updated everything. I am saving jobs and applying weekly. Hopefully something will come my way soon.
I advise putting job search
I advise putting job search criteria in LinkedIn, Indeed, Monster, etc, etc, etc.... Keep track of where you entered them so when you are ready to minimize the search updates to your e/m you can go back and clear them. Refresh the searches about once a month to get fresh stuff. Slight changes in search criteria I have found can drive a big increase interesting roles.
Full disclosure. I have done this in past job transitions. Commit to myself that I will not grow complacent in continually reviewing opportunities. Then after months or a couple of years, I let that fade. This time, I intend to not let it fade again. But, likely I will.
Now being 60, finding appropriate and interesting roles is difficult and having to start a job search from zero is painful. This last one that ended two weeks ago took nearly 8mos. I can only imagine the challenge of dealing with a hostile work environment, with a new LO, a toxic Skid situation, and a job search.
Use the technology, when you get calls from recruiters, take them. Leverage them to your advantage. Of course, do not pay a recruiter to find you a job. I engaged a career consultant in 2017 when we were transitioning back to the US from our Expat phase. She was great, but... I did not get much value out of the investement other than she drove a lot of action out of me. Resume review, elevator intro, networking cards, extremely active direct and group networking, professional organization membership and meetings networking, etc... All stuff I had done before. She just freshened it up and paying a crap ton of $ kept me very active.