Yes, kids are inherently selfish and as they move to adulthood the hope is they see beyond - I am finding that many of us with adult SKIDs are NOT seeing that growth. The selfishness and tactics become more covert- they lack a real understanding or emotion for others. Thansk for this !

To be honest one of my adult stepkid squarely hits all these factors. And I believe that many stepparents are viewed as objects in the way of getting what a skid or adult skid wants. I have read numerous posts about SKIDs cutting their parents off when they don't do something they want - very transactional relationships.

I have also found that many SKIDs don't fit the profile of an overt narcissist waiving around and gloating but more of the sullen sulky ones that suck the air out of the room- for me I thought, OH! It's just because they are teenagers, but that's proven not to be the case. I have adult skids. 

This is very perceptive and detailed understanding of your SKIDDO - at 13 and a role model like BM she's likely going to stay firm in these cycles. Oye...what a rollarcoaster you are on. Hoping you disengage. 

So sad indeed. But very important you recognize who she is. 

One of my SS meets the following (all but one on the list above): Passive aggression, Lack of empathy, Hypersensitive to criticism, Dysfunctional relationships, Envy, Hypersensitive, Manipulation, An exaggerated sense of self, Depression and anxiety, Grandiose fantasies, Procrastinating, Sense of entitlement, Subtle smugness, Victim mentality, Blaming and shaming, Creating confusion, Disrespecting boundaries, Gaslighting, Putting themselves down, Silent treatment, Tendency to hold grudges, a need for validation, and acting innocence. The only one I don't see ouright is excessive admiration - it might actually be the case but so hidden by the covert behavior. 

One of the wildest examples comes under grandiose fantasies - SS blamed me for the reason he is not playing professional sports - like as in PRO is because I didn't let him play football (to be clear I never stopped the kids from playing sports and in fact the kid chose his sport, was enrolled in sports and played sports throughout his entire youth which makes the accusation even stranger.) He comes up to me and my PARENTS and starts yelling at me about ruining his future, having a sports agent and the opportunity to go pro. Just to give some reality the kid is NOT in shape, NOT athletic, NOT disicpline enough, NOT even enrolled in training to be pro over the years - he played recreational sports. But somehow he believed he was stripped of his right to go professional because of big bad stepmom who paid for his jerseys, sports equipment, (don't forget the amount of time driving and attending all these events), etc. It was very good for my parents to view this outburst - it allowed them to see what I deal with day to day. 

Yep only in one of mine too, the other one doesn't seem to have these symptoms. He can be very tough on us but not a covert. 

Please do - we can learn from each other's examples and we might also find patterns in them. I'll share another one for you: this same SKID spread big time lies to his new extended martial family. One of them being that we would not provide him a vehicle. He left out the fact that we had already gifted him a vintage vehicle that he did not take care of, a truck which he "gave away" and a basically brand new car which he did not change the oil and the engine exploded. He ruined and gave away THREE vehicles - then demanded a 4th. We said no- thankfully DH was sensible to realize this is CRAZY. He went on to tell a tale of woe to everyone - we were branded as unloving and not providing for this adult SKID.....yes he was an ADULT not a child (albeit if he was a child and had ruined or given 3 vehicles away I would still feel the same...just adds to the gravitus that he was an adult when this went down and didn't feel accountability.) His tale of woe was sung long, far and wide - it was ridiculous and he not only sulked for over a year but that quiet rage of a covert narcississt was seen as he brooded about it. To this day he has never acknowledged that maybe he was negligent in this whole thing, he simply feels bad for himself. 

Yes...anything where it brings the attention towards themselves in a covert way. My SKID has always made it appear that things are so much harder or feigns illness, sleep deprivation you name it - it's always WORSE for him. We actually gave up asking "How are you?" because it would be met with a litany of problems - narcissisim in this form is about being the victim, being harmed, alignments - I think it goes along with the territory IMHO. Also inabiltiy to care about YOU or the others around the person- not sure if that's the case with your SKID but suprisingly the convo is always revolving around my SKID, I am not even sure he has any idea what I do for a living, what my favorite color is, whether or not I still live in the same state. I am not kidding.