What should I do?
I have a question.
Do I distance myself from relationships I forged in the area where XBF lives?
XBF moved up there in early 2021. He joined the local cycling group and so did I. I was active with the group, volunteering and eventually was elected VP in 2022 and secretary in 2023. I was also a trail ambassador for the bike trails AND I'm still a board member for the local tourism board until 2026.
I have spent MORE time with the people in these groups and the cycling community. I have volunteered to support all kinds of functions and I've promoted tourism in the area.
I'm no longer a member of the cycling group but that was decided months ago because the group has a group of personalities that impede progress and the growth of the club. The VP, at the time, and I resigned our positions and said we wouldn't be joining the club for 2024 (paying dues).
It's not like he has put much effort into any friendships up there, at all. I know them better and actually call many of them good friends.
What I would like to do is continue on the board for the local tourism group since I can participate remotely. And I would probably still participate in SOME volunteer events.
I just don't think I should have to cut off all my relationships in the cycling community because we broke up. It's not like he's suddenly going to be a joiner and participate with them.
Thoughts, please?
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If it's less of a chance of
If it's less of a chance of running into him in person. Remote meetings sound like a better way to go.
Maybe later on down the line the risk won't be so significant but fresh after parting ways both people still in a fog of vulnerability and raw emotions
Honestly, in the three years
Honestly, in the three years that we've been a part of that group in that area, he has volunteered for two events, whereas I have been involved in dozens of events,
and any event he participated in was instigated by me. he did not do any volunteering or participation on his own.
so there is a chance that I could run into him at some point, the chances are small,
You are both adults
You should be able to get along in a club setting, The relationship didn't work out. Lots of relationships end
I'd feel out the people you
I'd feel out the people you're closest to in those groups. And you should never feel like you cannot participate because he does. If he does do one event, I'm guessing he won't do two because if you ignore him he will not want to be in the setting anymore.
He MIGHT participate in club
He MIGHT participate in club rides, but I won't be since I'm not joining the cycling club. In his whole time in the cycling club, he maybe went on 5-7 rides. I led a few rides and joined MANY of them.
He was not much for volunteering. That was MY jam. I seriously doubt he'll be MORE active now that we're broken up since I was the main driver in us volunteering for anything in the first place. I don't think he EVER volunteered for anything on his own. Only came with me when I was volunteering.
It sounds like it was a
It sounds like it was a mutual break up and you two had no big drama issues. I wouldn't be throwing away friendships and interests that you value because you two broke up.
Do what makes you happy.
Thanks. It was mutual even if
Thanks. It was mutual even if I was the one who said it was time. He agreed.
I don't think we necessarily
I don't think we necessarily have to give things like that up due to a breakup.. just because it is in the same general geographic area as he lives.
But, if you do have friends in common in the activities.. I would not discount the possibility that it will get back to him.. and that he might ramp up his participation. Either in an effort to wheedle his way back into a quasi relationship "Oh.. I have plenty of room at the house.. wouldn't it be so much more convenient to just stay with me for that event weekend".. OR.. try to somehow make you feel bad.. parade a new woman.. talk you down.. make it uncomfortable for you.
But.. in the end, I see no harm in continuing to participate in things you enjoy with people you have enjoyed meeting... as long as he isn't too plugged into them.
There is a competing thought.. that why not forge new connections with new clubs etc.. where you will be living... and allow the connections up there to fade.
But... It's not like you were in fear of an abusive situation here (not physically any way.. ).. so unlike when I broke up with my abusive ex bf and told his lovely sister who did a great job cutting my hair.. that I was cutting all ties with people he had a connection to.. I don't think you necessarily have to.
I hear all that you're saying
I hear all that you're saying, but I don't see him suddenly becoming a "joiner" just because I'm still around. Quasi relationships are not an option and anything I might do up there would most likely be a day trip where I wouldn't need to stay over. If I did need to stay over, there is a lovely campground a solid 30 mins from his house where I would happily stay and no one would have to know. I wouldn't feel comfortable being "friends" and staying in that house because I know that before too long, he'll be moving his late wife's ashes to that house. I don't like spending the night in a mausoleum. I'm good. He can let all his new lady friends sleep with his late wife's ghost.
Keep doing what you love
It sounds like you were more involved than him anyways. Id keep at the hobbies you love.
If you run into him a kind hello is all that is needed.
Enjoy your life and keep what inspired you regardless of your ex SO.
I'm not saying you would do
I'm not saying you would do this but merely putting it out there bc I know I have done this in the past .... is to be careful staying "plugged in" especially where he has a presence because:
Imo him putting up that dating profile really quickly was not to flaunt in your face but speaks more to his desperation and extreme fear of being alone
Also not saying to give up on your interests however there are many different interest (probably different chapters of the same club) and there are plenty of people on the planet to forge relationships/network with
Sometimes "out of sight out of mind" helps with healing
IF a reconciliation is ever on the table / what is right then perhaps it's better for it to happen organically without much effort on your part at least
Anyhow hope this doesn't come off the wrong way and certainly you'll decide to do what's best for you
I won't be up in his area a
I won't be up in his area a lot. I now live 90 mins from where he is.
But, I won't give up the friendships. There is a trail that runs from Pittsburgh, PA, right past his front door all the way down to Washington DC. That trail passes through my town. Through my work in his part of the state, I have connections with people who run bike tours on the trail and I'm booked into one of these tours to ride from Pittsburgh to the end of the trail in a town 20 mins from his house. I'm not canceling my tour just because I'll be riding past his house - he'll never know. I know all kinds of people who promote cycling and tourism - they know me. They don't know him.
In other words, while I won't be up there for the Tuesday night bike rides or other club rides (because I'm not joining the group again), I will still have my role on the board of a tourism organization until 2026, and I would like to honor that. That means volunteering for cleanup days and supporting fundraising rides that I've supported in the past - and he didn't.
I don't want to give that up. What I'm really asking is if I should give up my friendships and a few volunteering activities just because we're broken up.
Chances of getting back together? Slim to none. The growth he'd have to achieve for me to consider it is too great for him. I don't think he's strong enough to get help to process the grief of losing his late wife as well as his childhood traumas. For him to be able to have an epiphany, he'd have to hit rock bottom in life. I don't wish that on him - hitting rock bottom.
No one up there knows that we're officially broken up. I won't be announcing it and I'm not leaving subtle "breakup" posts on the book of Faces. The people I'm connected with on that platform, looking at my page, would have no clue we broke up.
I don't mind if he sees me honoring my commitments and continuing to support cycling and tourism in that area. He doesn't own it. But, I'm not suggesting I'm going to be doing anything different than I already did before I met him or while I was with him. I'm just talking about continuing to do what I've always done and it should be no surprise to him that I am.
Now, if I can get into better shape - which is my plan for my own reasons - I don't mind if he sees that, too, but I'm not going to do anything special for him to see it.
I like participating in Bikes for the World and might consider volunteering for that, but I would also consider participating with it in my area instead.
But I also volunteered for trail cleanups and an annual bike event where cyclists race a steam engine as a fundraiser. I see no issue in still participating - he never has participated. I have also supported running events that raise money for Habitat for Humanity. He won't be there for those events, so he might only catch wind of me coming up after the fact.
And regarding ESMOD's post there is a nice campground not far from these events where I can easily stay. I don't need to stay with him. Most visits could be day visits. If I needed to stay overnight, there are hotels and friends, but I would most likely just camp at the state campground.
Ok. I would continue to live
Ok. I would continue to live my life as I please. Definitely keep the friends that you value. Absolutely continue with the activities that you enjoy. Breaking up with your ex is not a reason to deprive yourself.
Should you run into him be cordial but slightly dismissive - he needs to understand that he is not the reason you are there.
Being an evil individual, if I ever ran into him with his latest flame, I'd be friendly and tell her, as I left, that we really must have a chat one of these days... and watch him sweat.
lol - you are evil.
lol - you are evil.
we are all adults, and she'll have to figure it out for herself
Keep doing you and the things
Keep doing you and the things you enjoy.
Do not let him run you off.
Do not let him run you off. If anything, he needs to toe the line or leave. His choice. Play nice, or be gone.
Do not abandon your relationships, friendships, organization affiliations and participation, because of an X.
After our divorce I moved to attend and finish engineering school. Not a planned event, but after DW and I married 5mos after I graduated with my BS, DW, SS, and I moved back to the city I had been living in when started my company, met my XW, and we had lived for the 2.5yrs we were married.
I did see my XW one time in the 11yrs DW and I lived in that metro area. I was on a business lunch with colleagues. When we were seated at the restaurant .... across the dining room was my XW, the Geriatric Fortune 500 Sugar/Baby daddy and their two boys. The section my party was seated at was elevated so I was faced by my XW and her cheat family. She looked lik hammered dog shit. She was tired looking, worn out, and was bitching at her kids and granpa sugar/baby daddy. It was sad. When we met she was a beautiful bright college athelete. Ten-ish years later she was far from attractive, mean as hell, and looked like a former thorobred that had been rode hard and put of wet for far too long. She did not see me. That was the last time I set eyes on her. I did run into my XFIL and XMIL a couple of times that year when I officed in the area they lived. Decidedly strange when that happened. THe most odd moment, was when we had moved back to that city and ran into my XILs as we were going into a restaurant near our home as the XILs were leaving. SS was a toddler. I introduced my DW and our kid to my XILs then asked my DW to head to our table. My XMIL was processing it all. Her eyes were flashing and rolling around. She was obviously doing mental math on the kid's age. He was born 2yrs after my divorce so even if he was my BK, he was not a cheat baby like XW's eldest. I did run into them a couple of times a decade later. They would invite me to their home for coffee. I did go. I liked my XFIL. Their home was like a shrine to our wedding. Bridal portrat pics on the wall, couples pics on their book shelves. When I first noticed XFIL broke into tears. They are devoute Catholics and XW never got our marriage annulled, had multiple OOWL children, and was in violation of church doctrine by continuing to take communion. XFIL struggled with all of that.
About 9yrs after that, I was researching for my parents 50th celebration and several links to my XW came up. Click. MIL was at that time convicted of Embezzlement and was a federal prison inmate. The who family was sued by her former employer and ordered to pay $Millions in damages.
I dodged a bullet. That is for sure.
So... live your life and if that in parts scrubs the nose of a an X in the stench of their own lives, so be it.
Live well.
I did not change my journey because she remained in that city and I returned with my future with me.