If it was me... I think your SO is a narcissist. Further, I think you should quit allowing him to control the relationship. He always determines what is going on - break up, back together, blah blah....
I think that if you do move forth with this therapy, etc you should have some real hard lines on when to call it quits (for real) ... and don't let him change it around.
Time for you to quit being led around by this man that really just wants his dead wife and find someone that really makes you happy and cares for you as much as you do them.
He also needs to quit leaving his dead wife's shoes by the door. And if you move back in, maybe some more mutual decorating needs to happen? Some men just need the shock of a woman actually leaving before they finally get it together. I hope it all works out, and I think no matter what happens, as long as you stick with your boundaries, you will end up in a better place.
The push and pull of this guy... avoidant attachment issues. (I'm reading the book right now) Hold your expectations, either he steps up to them or so long. It's nice your are giving him one more chance and it sounds like this is the last one??? I will say there was time DH thought he lost me and it was the kick in the butt he needed to change. He stuck with the therapy and here we are, still married. Good luck.
I'm with Clove on adding #7. I would require being the woman of the house. That means that LW's belongings, including her shoes, will not be out in open areas. Your SO can keep them wherever keepsakes are kept, but he can no longer send the implied message to you that she is the woman of the house. Maybe he can unravel in therapy that just because he has a new lady of the house doesn't mean it erases LW's standing as his first wife. It does mean that you are his living partner and lady of the house.
This isn't going to be happily ever after. Sure you might even stay together. It will not be a happy life. 100%. That's not how happy life starts.
sounds a lot like your second marriage. Leave. Come back. Live together. Live apart. Leave. Come back. Unstable. Not healthy
Why are you always doing all the work? why are you planning on driving to his house. If he's interested he'll drive to you for therapy and biking or what not. You are not married or engaged and he's not your family. It's unreasonable to waste hours of your life, gas, car life etc to go see a man. He is the reason this relationship isn't working. He needs to do the work. Not you. He wants to see you? He'll come over. Doesn't drive to see you? Not as interested in you as you are in him. He gers to stay in a comfy house while you packing duffel bag and driving endless miles to sleep in his guest room. Why? Screw that. Aren't we too old for this sh..t? Shouldn't we stop doing this nonsense in our 50s?
Why does he gets to call the shots, he's running the show. He'll choose if your rules are acceptable or are dealbreakers. Why is it always up to men?
Men who have dead wives shoes at the door shouldn't date. And women shouldn't date men who have dead wives shoes at the door. Just no.
Seriously just say no to these unavailable men. Not worth it. You can do better
Dead wife clothes go to good will. No need for clothes that neve is going to be worn.
I can't imagine what else there is. Jewley..humbled Holiday stuff. Main thing is to move to a new home.. Not one the ex lived in. Not sitting on dead wife furniture, using her dishes,
with your name in the deed so SK doesn't throw you out if something happens. He will never go along with this . You have no future.
Um hate to say it but this man is UNdateable. My 2nd husband had lost his 2nd wife (I was his 3rd wife) to random violence. It was not a fun relationship as he always put her on a pedestal and I felt I was competing with a ghost. It's bad enough when the BM is living.
Fortunately he did not have any offspring by his 2nd wife.
My advice would be to find a man who hasn't had any kids (or a deceased spouse).
Many relationships only survive because a woman keeps going to guy's house to sleep over. It will fizzle out if she stated in her house. Ask me how I know. Many men wouldn't bother packing bags and driving to see a woman let alone just drive to see her for a date with no promise of hanky panky.
If you want to know how much the guy wants you in his life, he'll drive to you, he'd suggest meeting half way (acceptable), make efforts. If he asks you to keep going to his house, you have your answer. He is a low effort man.
It's never a good idea to get together with a man who needs convincing to marry or engage or show more affection etc What you see is what you get. I also don't think a man seriously into a woman buy a house for himself in the midst of a relationship (knowing that she wants commitment). I knew this was over the minute he bought the house hours away.
First of all it meant there'll be no commitment and second of all he figured you'll be making efforts to see him spending hours on the road. Or you'd have to change your job if you wanted to live there-in his house with his wife's stuff. Not good. It had to end then. He'd not do that if you were his priority.
don't let your feelings and passion for a man (any man) cloud your logic, reasoning and sound judgement.
Comments
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If it was me... I think your SO is a narcissist. Further, I think you should quit allowing him to control the relationship. He always determines what is going on - break up, back together, blah blah....
I think that if you do move forth with this therapy, etc you should have some real hard lines on when to call it quits (for real) ... and don't let him change it around.
Time for you to quit being led around by this man that really just wants his dead wife and find someone that really makes you happy and cares for you as much as you do them.
He also needs to quit leaving his dead wife's shoes
He also needs to quit leaving his dead wife's shoes by the door. And if you move back in, maybe some more mutual decorating needs to happen? Some men just need the shock of a woman actually leaving before they finally get it together. I hope it all works out, and I think no matter what happens, as long as you stick with your boundaries, you will end up in a better place.
The push and pull of this guy
The push and pull of this guy... avoidant attachment issues. (I'm reading the book right now) Hold your expectations, either he steps up to them or so long. It's nice your are giving him one more chance and it sounds like this is the last one??? I will say there was time DH thought he lost me and it was the kick in the butt he needed to change. He stuck with the therapy and here we are, still married. Good luck.
Interesting update
I was cheering silently, and then "second chance" popped in there.
If that is what you want to do...that is what you should do. I had thought the breakup was too quick and "easy", and was wondering at that.
If hes really ready to do the work, then great for him, and it sounds like you are really protecting yourself, so I know you arent just going along.
I would add #7. No dead wife shoes around please.
I'm with Clove on adding #7.
I'm with Clove on adding #7. I would require being the woman of the house. That means that LW's belongings, including her shoes, will not be out in open areas. Your SO can keep them wherever keepsakes are kept, but he can no longer send the implied message to you that she is the woman of the house. Maybe he can unravel in therapy that just because he has a new lady of the house doesn't mean it erases LW's standing as his first wife. It does mean that you are his living partner and lady of the house.
Please. Just be done.
Please. Just be done.
This isn't going to be happily ever after. Sure you might even stay together. It will not be a happy life. 100%. That's not how happy life starts.
sounds a lot like your second marriage. Leave. Come back. Live together. Live apart. Leave. Come back. Unstable. Not healthy
Why are you always doing all the work? why are you planning on driving to his house. If he's interested he'll drive to you for therapy and biking or what not. You are not married or engaged and he's not your family. It's unreasonable to waste hours of your life, gas, car life etc to go see a man. He is the reason this relationship isn't working. He needs to do the work. Not you. He wants to see you? He'll come over. Doesn't drive to see you? Not as interested in you as you are in him. He gers to stay in a comfy house while you packing duffel bag and driving endless miles to sleep in his guest room. Why? Screw that. Aren't we too old for this sh..t? Shouldn't we stop doing this nonsense in our 50s?
Why does he gets to call the shots, he's running the show. He'll choose if your rules are acceptable or are dealbreakers. Why is it always up to men?
Men who have dead wives shoes at the door shouldn't date. And women shouldn't date men who have dead wives shoes at the door. Just no.
Seriously just say no to these unavailable men. Not worth it. You can do better
Why. You like banging your head against the walls.
Dead wife clothes go to good will. No need for clothes that neve is going to be worn.
I can't imagine what else there is. Jewley..humbled Holiday stuff. Main thing is to move to a new home.. Not one the ex lived in. Not sitting on dead wife furniture, using her dishes,
with your name in the deed so SK doesn't throw you out if something happens. He will never go along with this . You have no future.
That's a new house he bought
That's a new house he bought for himself after she died. But he relocated her stuff to the new house. There is no future.
Dead wive's shoes?
Um hate to say it but this man is UNdateable. My 2nd husband had lost his 2nd wife (I was his 3rd wife) to random violence. It was not a fun relationship as he always put her on a pedestal and I felt I was competing with a ghost. It's bad enough when the BM is living.
Fortunately he did not have any offspring by his 2nd wife.
My advice would be to find a man who hasn't had any kids (or a deceased spouse).
Meh
Don't tolerate him any longer, in any way. You have made the break, stay gone.
His crying and angst is not your problem. It should never be your problem again.
Enjoy your new life adventure. Leave him in the figurative gutter that he has earned.
Many relationships only
Many relationships only survive because a woman keeps going to guy's house to sleep over. It will fizzle out if she stated in her house. Ask me how I know. Many men wouldn't bother packing bags and driving to see a woman let alone just drive to see her for a date with no promise of hanky panky.
If you want to know how much the guy wants you in his life, he'll drive to you, he'd suggest meeting half way (acceptable), make efforts. If he asks you to keep going to his house, you have your answer. He is a low effort man.
It's never a good idea to get together with a man who needs convincing to marry or engage or show more affection etc What you see is what you get. I also don't think a man seriously into a woman buy a house for himself in the midst of a relationship (knowing that she wants commitment). I knew this was over the minute he bought the house hours away.
First of all it meant there'll be no commitment and second of all he figured you'll be making efforts to see him spending hours on the road. Or you'd have to change your job if you wanted to live there-in his house with his wife's stuff. Not good. It had to end then. He'd not do that if you were his priority.
don't let your feelings and passion for a man (any man) cloud your logic, reasoning and sound judgement.