BM is dead
So I get a call sometime last week from an out of state medical examiner's office, asking if I knew BM. I returned the call and stated my relationship to her, and asked if she was okay. They then said no, she was found deceased on my daughter's birthday. No one knows why she left town, remember that she had mental illness. Apparently she went to ask SS24 for some money to leave the state to look at a lot.
DH was shocked, and he had to be the one to tell his kids. My heart goes out to SS18, he will turn 19 right before they cremate BM.
The current issue is that DH has not been working for a few months. I told him that I was willing to help within a reasonable amount for funeral/burial costs. Because they decided to go with cremation, it is dirt cheap. BM's sister went to identify her and is taking over the service planning which is fine. Apparently no one in the family had been speaking to BM due to her mental illness.
I didn't have an issues paying for both SSs and DH to go roundtrip to deal with this. Because SS24 has to return to work, he wants to return the following day (he initially just wanted to return same day but there are no returning flights for that time). SS24's BM wants to go to support him, with baby in tow. However, that's where I draw the line. I didn't mind paying for the boys, but I don't think it's fair for me to come out of pocket for SS24's BM who is going on 26. They both work, they should be able to manage it. If she goes, 1 hotel room becomes 2 and I am also not willing to pay for that. To boot, they are 1700 short for the services, I told DH to ask SS what he can contribute (after all, it is his mom), and he said 1K. Looks like just to go and return will be 500 round trip per person. So that 1k would cover him and his BM.
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm being a bad person, but I'm also feeling taken advantage of. This is not my ex wife who passed, I shouldn't have to be coming out of pocket at all. I'm doing it for the sake of SS18 who I feel really bad for. But I'm not paying for a girlfriend.
DH thinks BM committed suicide. We are awaiting the autopsy results.
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Comments
No, you're not unreasonable.
You are very generous.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable, I think you are being very generous.
I understand that BM's family was not speaking to her due to her mental illness, but they are still her family and this is really on them to deal with, not you.
This. Her family need to be
This. Her family need to be paying for this. I assume there is little chance BM has anything to leave her kids if you aren't anticipating funeral costs being covered by her estate?
At most I would think you should pay for is Ss18 and your husband, to make it "fair" I understand why you offered to pay for ss26 too. This is in lieu of your husband who should really be paying these costs.
Anything beyond that is none of your concern. If ss26 wants to pay for his BM flight ($500) and put $500 towards funeral expenses that is up to him.
I would expect BM's family to split the rest of the costs as they see fit. You are not related and your husband is her ex.
How are you doing with all of this? It must be stressful and confusing emotionally.
I am so sorry. We lived
I am so sorry. We lived through this in 2019. BM ended her life. It was quite horrid. Both SDs were fully or partially disengaged or estranged from her. No one in BM's or DHs families was speaking to her either. Very sad story all together.
I think you are going above
I think you are going above and beyond to pay even a penny related to BM's funeral. Her family should be responsible for covering that. When my uncle passed, his ex wife didn't give a dime to my cousin. My parents, my other uncle, and my aunt helped her plan and picked up the tab. They don't even know her that well because her mother kept her away from our family. My uncle lived in the same small town as I and I didn't see him once from the time I was 3 until I was 10 and he got a divorce.
Why can't you use the same
Why can't you use the same excuse as SS's BM? You don't have the funds to spare. It's not like you all have to give full disclosure on your finances. Your money is tied up elsewhere. But consider how much you're willing to contribute. State the exact amount and let them figure where to put it. And if they come up short let them figure out what they're willing to go without.
Absolutely THIS. You are
Absolutely THIS. You are already dealing with financial pinch because your SO isn't bringing in his "fair share".. the fact that you are willing t o pitch in ANYTHING is halo territory.
Set your amount.. and I might ask them to even sign a note for repayment.. I'm surprised there aren't any other relatives on BM's side that couldn't pitch in.. shoot.. set up a go fund me.. you shouldn't be even asked to do this.. but I can see you are a good person.
If she was an indigent
The govt should pay something. My ex husband was a pauper and an abusive alcoholic. The state paid for his burial expenses.
Over performing if anything.
Over performing if anything. Not your X. She has a family. Let them deal with it. And pay for it. Even if she were your X, her family should pay for her funeral/burial. An X is an X for a reason and is no longer our family nor do we have a duty to them. Even if they are the mother or father of our own children.
My condolences to the Skids.
Your a better person then I am
I refuse to pay to BF funeral. Well I was willing to give him $35. The amount of CS we received in four years. These people are adults. if SS's BM can't afford to go she stays home. Not get a free trip.
I think it’s very selfless of
I think it’s very selfless of you to do this for your skids, but I also hope that this selfless act does not become something they throw back in your face later in life.
thank you
for all your responses. I stood my ground, and SS decided it would be too much for him to take on paying for his gf and baby to come along. I'm glad I upheld my boundary, its already hard trying to do the "right thing" as it is.