After the fireworks smoke cleared...
July 6th being my 55th birthday, I wanted peace and serenity at the minimum. Made a few loose plans. Came home the 5th, house is still messy from the gathering on the 4th but no biggie. Husband had been home all day- called in sick - and I was a little edgy (like why not share this information with your WIFE).
I asked what hed been up to all day...attitude "Oh dont know, I just did the dishes and threw out trash and took powersulk to her mothers for you"...attitude.
I asked about small things...attitude...
I asked about his elderly brother who had been sent to icu and wasnt expected to make it "I dont effing know".
I walked away. I just couldnt take anymore folks. Then a memory from 8 years ago popped up on facebook - a photo collection of us being in love and having fun. Things havent been fun in a very long time. And things have been rolling around in my head a lot. Feedback Im getting. The yelling and rage mode. The name calling. I just burst into tears and showed husband my photo memories of us and then ran out. My new phone needed activating so I just went to verizon and sat in the corner trying not to cry anymore.
A sweet friend called, and I was able to have a friendly ear. Shes heard all the stories and doesnt like at all how I am treated. Shes got issues of her own - her son is autistic and considered dangerous so no one really wants him in their facility.
I went back home ready for another battle. Instead I got calm. Almost friendly. A lobster dinner for two.
And my birthday? Elderly brother is in a regular hotel room, so I got my birthday wish...and then sweet husband emerged.
I went hiking, had a wonderful lunch, napped, dinner with family. Got some bling from husband. We laughed together and all seemed really good.
Now the smoke has cleared, and the stark reality is staring back at me.
I know that I need additional therapy. I have someone who has reached out to me and will start with her. She wants to help me with boundaries.
I know that SD17 Powersulk/backstabber/evil munchkin has seen me be abused by her mother, seen me be abused by her sister and also seen me be abused verbally and emotionaly by her father. She has yelled at me and gotten away with it. She has threatened me and gotten away with it. So in all clarity, she has this learned behavior and I know she wont mature out of it. She wont "realise the error of her ways". She wont love me like the kid I knew many years ago, maybe she never did. Now thats irrelevant, and you all have given me the tools I need for coping.
Leaving today is not an option, so I will follow the advice and treat her as a stranger. She doesnt exist for me. I dont consider her. I wont ask her to do any chores (through her father), I wont ask her for information, I wont ask her to do her own dishes, or pick up anything. Im going zero contact.
Shes very duplicitus however. I thought Ive been cautious but now I need to double down on the caution. I know what I need to do with respect to her, but I dont know if I can even approach it with husband right now. Ill have to think about it more. She pulls the "sweet little girl Clove is the bad one" in a sing-song baby voice with him. Shes absolutely NEVER yelled at me when hes been around.
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Comments
Disengage from SD
Make DH deal with SD. As SD it only at yoir home when DH is there. If DH goes out SD goes with him.,,
SD is a lost cause, so what, don't let that effect you.
always remember that when
always remember that when Princess Sulk wants something from you she gives you crumbs of hope aand then you end up hurt and betrayed by her. when in doubt, give me a call or a text and talk through it before you end up hurt again.
Read up on the "cycle of violence."
Read up on the "cycle of violence." Basically, the abuser abuses, then makes up for it by being nice, the victim forgives/forgets the abuse, the abuser abuses again, and the cycle repeats. While your DH does not physically abuse you, he does abuse you emotionally and verbally. This cycle can happen with any kind of abuse and that is exactly what happened in this scenerio.
Your true issue is your DH. It is easier to focus on powersulk - but she is only one the symptoms of your real problem
As I said before, I am concerned that your DH is much more emotionally and verbally abusive than any of us have realized. This is confirmed by your IRL friend. Please keep reaching out to her - it sounds like she gets it. And please follow through with therapy so you can find the strength to leave this situation. You are a wonderful and caring and gentle soul who deserves so much better.
My posts
You really did nail it. My posts almost always focus on skids or bm. Never on husband, who I never refer to as DH.
Im fast approaching the place where I can go face to face with his abusiveness. He goes into rages, is impatient, Im always the butt of jokes and made fun of. Ive buried it and buried it. I will need to read about the cycles, to understand it. He has told me "I am too old to change, I am who I am, and if I have to be alone I will". I hope therapy will help me get strong enough to break that cycle.
That describes my exH with
That describes my exH with rages and angry outbursts in my direction. "That's just the way I am," was all he'd ever say about it. The way *I* am -- unwilling to be the target -- was unimportant. I needed to just understand and accept HIM with no reciprocation. He steadfastly would not make any attempt at change, until I filed for divorce. Then the promises and love bombing started. But it was waaaaayyyyyy too late by then and that sh!t just made me mad.
I used to journal
I made smiley faces and frowny faces or straight line faces to track our good and bad and ugly days.
I need to start journaling again. I always reccomend that people journalise I need to take my own advice.
I did a similar thing with
I did a similar thing with tracking my ex husbands moods/days. It was trying to put order on something I couldn't understand or control. Like if I saw a pattern I could predict the day or maybe prove it wasn't all that bad. It was a futile endeavor.
It explains a lot why you seek out her approval and try to make everything happy.
validation
Im looking for validation that its as bad as I think it is. Its a once every 1-2 weeks thing. And you are right - Im hoping that if I can track its "origin" I can somehow either prevent it or cure it, or better deal with it...
Clove, it just breaks my heart that you are the butt of jokes.
Clove, it just breaks my heart that you are the butt of jokes. In some ways, that kind of verbal abuse can be worse than others - because he can always say he was "just joking" and somehow it gets turned on you as if it was your fault. I'm so glad you are beginning to awknowledge just how bad it is and too realize it is easier to focus on BM and skids than it is the real source. My thoughts are with you.
examples
` His "pet name" for me is monster
` He makes fun of my dancing as "arms a flailing"
` When Im talking to myself he laughs and makes fun...
... just a few examples.
I don't have advice or any
I don't have advice or any words of wisdom. I just want you to know you aren't alone.
Thank you
That really does help.
Cameras and recorders solve this problem.
Put her ass under the electronic hairy eyeball and when she thinks she can get away with it and is abusive and disrespectful, have footage review with daddy.
Tolerate no crap from any of them. Particularly not from DH. One grand gesture of a lobster dinner and rubies does not recover from the abuse, gaslighting, and multigenarational attackes that he, his X, and their spawn have perepetrated against you. I know this hurts CLove. Keep the message forward and his nose rubbed into the facts that this is all his fault.
Highlighting the TT, FF and PS shit life performance to DH constantly and giving him clarity that you will no longer tolerate him if he even twitches back to his usual historic crap or does not destroy his failed family harpees if they ever so much as even think about disrespecting you. Put it on him, stand your ground, and make sure DH has no choice but to own this.
recording
That advice to record would have worked but I put a rule out there no recording against wishes.
Things are very quiet right now because no harpies are harping right now, but when one does poke their putrid nose out in our direction, the stress of it makes me not able to think straight, and thats when he gets into his lashout on anger mode. Or I get the sarcasm mode, to make me feel like a petty child.
Multigenerational attacks.
Change the rules. Record.
There is no need to not protect or help yourself.
10 months
42 weeks...
Would it be worth it to do this?
10 months. 42 weeks.
10 months. 42 weeks. Until Powersulk is 18 and finished high school? But, what then? H is not planning to change. He has told you that. The only thing you have the power to change is yourself --what you do and how you react.
Long past the point where it became worth it. IMHO.
Rather than take DH's whiney crap, rub his nose in PS's crap. Rather than letting him gaslight your regarding HIS parental failures.
I would tighten the video/audio noose around both of their necks so you have verifi
able fact to lock down the skid purge from your life after the CO expires in 42 weeks. No more SKid presence in your home, not one Cent of your marital resources going to benefit TT in any way and every Cent that goes to PS does benefit TT.
Chess is a cerebral long view strategic game. It is time to lock down the future by baring failed parent and toxic failed breeding experiment spawn ass with the facts retaining the records for future need so you can keep them all in check even after PS ages out from under the CO. Then, TT, FF, and PS can live in their secion 8 housing and starve on whatever benefits they can continue to extort from the tax payers that should be going to people who actual need it.
IMHO of course.