Riding the Unexpected Dragon
Good morning. Still a little sick with coughing, but no body aches and fever, so thats a blessing. Slept fitfully, until aboit 10 am. Half the day is gone.
"Dont stop believing" song by Journey is playing as I type this out. The sky is a hazy dreamy soft creamy gray where the sun is trying to emerge, and fog is hugging the hillsides in the distance.
Recap:
Dec 24 Christmas eve. Not much news, calls to my younger brother about their plans to arrive Dec 25 and we should meet up, and we will play it "by ear" as to how Dad is doing.
Dec 25 Christmas Day, not much news, just resting, and cleaning, and getting white elephant presents wrapped. Surprisingly no drama from SD25 Feral Forger. DH picks up SD18 PPS, Im ready when they swing by. Dinner goes well with the very large loud and boisterous DH family.
Dec 26 - breakfast with brother and cute niece and nephew. Walk on the beach, take cute pictures...Dads released and later that evening get a stressed call about picking up blood sugar monitors from wall mart. Ensuing long discussion with brother in the rain. Hes angry, and shocked at the state of our parents, Mom on her oxygen machine and Dad really out of it from the drugs. "what about a longterm care plan?" I dont really know.
I listen. My brother is angry and stressed and sad and all the other emotions hes going through. This wasnt how the vacation visit was supposed to go. He knew it before driving almost 3 hours, though. He could have canceled but didnt. I think he needed to see it, so he could have more empathy for them.
Then he drops this little bomb on me: "Im mad at both of them because they didnt take care of themselves, and now we have to clean up after them with their health declining." A different iterations of this concept thrown out. I know that they are responsible for themselves. My mother is addicted to nicotine, Dad is addicted to fried sugary foods. He is now in the hospital for kindey failure, high blood pressure, diabetic issues... and he has himself to blame. Ok, but how does that solve the problem NOW?
Called my(one and only) Auntie L to wish her happy birthday. She mentions that she will be planning on flying to California from Florida in the foreseable future to help take of her younger sister and BIL. Shes amazing. She asks if she can count on staying with us for the time being, do we have an extra bedroom for her? Why YES we certainly do. Although my parents have a 4 bedroom 2 bath house, the spare bedroom has a bunch of stuff and is not usable. Meanwhile Ive got a sweet little place, all it needs is a little clearing of dressers. Which brings me to a small conversation with SD18 Princess PowerSulk. After the big holiday party we swing by the house before DH drops her off at her mothers apartment, and she scoots in her old room to take a look. Ive made it nice with pillows and blankets, and candles and plants.
I moved a few things around in the closet. But its pretty much how she left it. I ask (gently) what about the rest of her stuff, can she go through it and bring it to where she is living. BIG EYES. Then it starts. The "my mom this, my mom that, and because my mom, and I have no storage because my mom". Honestly, as soon as she mentioned "my mom" I clicked off. Because she doesnt pay my mortgage, nor does she pay my property tax. Why would I store giant stuffed animals and two large bins of clothes and trinckets because "my mom"....bleh.
Dec 27 Lunch with brother and controlling SIL, and cute kiddos Im related to. Brief discussion on how we must get their long term care plan because brother is stressed out about how to deal with them if they are incompacitated. I promised I would approach the subject. Meanwhile Mom is making breakfast lunch and dinner and trying to make sense of the medication and scheduling. Dad is trying to get a handle on managing to empty out his "bag". And neither of them want to discuss long term care plans, only that they found a place they like. Brother is worried that they are already going down the Dementia Pathway...I dont think so, but what can I do, Im not going to commit them right now, right?
Dec 28 No plans for new years. Dad is back in the hospital. Mom texts me please pick up and deliver clothes for your Dad, Ill tell you more when I see you...Dad texts please bring my razor and shaving cream.
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear about the drama with your family CLove.
Sometimes it never seems to end. It flips from one side to the other.
My aunt (mom's sister) has been extremely active her whole life. About 8yrs ago her DH decided he was not leaving the house, and would not move except between his chair, the bed, and the bathroom. My aunt would go play tennis with her girl posse, do church stuff, etc... As my uncle got more cantankerous he refused help from anyone but my aunt. Their own sons got pissed at both of them. Their dad for being stubborn and ruining his life and their mom's life. And mad at their mom for tolerating it. He passed in July of this year. She is now starting to live the retirement she always wanted. Her visit to spend Christmas with us and to celebrate mom's B-day.
They were starting to plan a road trip this past summer when her DH got sick, went in the hospital, and never came home. There really was no way they could have made a trip, but they planned one every year that they never took.
We are discussing mom and dad's care plan. They have plenty of resources, long term care insurance, and their home is ideal for age in place. Not something we have to deal with any time soon though. They are both physically mobile and mentally capable. I truly hope that remains the case until we can retire and join them in making a multi-generational home where they can remain for the rest of their lives.
I truly hope your mom and dad get their situation addressed and your brother's anxieties can be addressed.
Take care of you and feel better.
Thanks Rags
Today is better, Im now able to focus on me and getting better mentally and physically.
I hope long term, that they work on figuring it out for themselves. My brother and Controlling SIL are ready to send them packing into a facility. I know theyd be much happier at home. Its the care part that is tricky. Mom doesnt want strangers in the house. So then I am the person required to help, but starting Thursday Im back at work.
Im hoping that once Dad gets home, he will be able to walk.
Thankfully they have the financial resources to pay for the care they need, they just need to get things set up.
Preference is not always the best thing.
My GM and her DH wanted to stay in their home. Mom and my aunt managed their transition to a age in place luxury retirement home. Nope. My GM did everything she could to get kicked out. All she needed to do was just leave. But, not her style. She would come out of their apartment into the hallway, look around to make sure no one was in the hallway, slide down the wall onto her butt, lean over, and start calling for help. The facility had a requirement for residents to be self ambulatory. Of course it was all caught on camera. So, nope, GM was not kicked out. She then claimed they were starving her. Nope, she just quit eating. She went in the day after her weekend 90th B-day/20th anniversary celebration. On Monday she had her pace maker replaced and she and her DH moved into the facility. She passed a month to the day after her 90th B-day. Her doc would see her, call her out for not eating. Her Doc was clear. She was perfectly healthy for a 90yo. She died from pure stubbornness. Her DH passed 5mos later at 96.
The counterpoint to my mom's mom, is my dad's mom. When my granddad died dad and mom set it up for her to remain in their home. My dad's cousin and his wife moved in. The wife was a certified elder care family member who had cared for her own aging parents in their home until they passed. That turned out to be a shit show. My GM pretty much had to care for herself. The agreement between dad and his cousin was that if his mom could remain in the home that upon her passing dad would deed the property to the cousin and his wife. That lasted about a year. The elder care cousin's DW would not prepare meals for my GM. She would ask her if she was hungry. My GM was not one to ask for anything from anyone so her answer was nearly always no. On the rare occasion that GM would answer yes, the cousin's DW would tell GM to go fix herself some food. GM was in the early progression phase of dementia. Whe it became clear that GM was not being cared for we moved her to an age in place facility near all of us two States S of my GP's home State. The first facility was beautiful, very small, sized for half a dozen residents. That facility was sued for labor violations and we got a late evening call to come get my GM as the facility was closed. Mom flew in from overseas, she and my brother and me went on the quest for the right place for GM. We landed on a controlled access/egress memory care facility that was like a cruise ship in a grassy field. My very statuesque mellow GM blossomed. She won several dance trophies, won Ms Congeniality in the annual beauty pageant two years in a row, and she thrived and lived her remaining life to the fullest. We had no idea what she wanted. Multiple Infarctic Dementia limited her ability to express her wants. Dad's Aunt who was the eldest of 11 expressed concern about where her sister was living and her care. Sad flew out, picked up his Aunt (then about 90) and flew back with her. We worked with GM's faciity to put an extra bed in her apartment and dad's Aunt stayed for about a month. She lived it and was comforted by how her sister was living in a wonderful place and being cared for well. That facility had "apartments". Some were multiple rooms some were one large room with a bathroom and a "kitchenette" None of the kitchenettes were functional. There was a nice "restaurant" in the facility where residents could dine or that would bring meals to the resident's apartment. GM's apartment was a large efficiency format with a bedroom area and a nice living room. Nicely furnished. It had a large zero transition bathroom with a big walk-in shower. It had space for a roll in bathtub for when GM could no longer shower. It was truly an incredible place. The bldg was a big rectangle with rooms on both sides of the walkways. It was basically a figure 8 with a hallway that bisected the long sides of the rectangle. Residents could walk to their hearts content visiting neighbors, etc.. The two center courts between the sides were set up for recreation. One had elevated gardening boxes for those who liked gardening, the other had several umbrella covered tables, and chaise lounges. There were buzzers at each table and residents could buzz and order "drinks" and small food items (sandwhiches, pastries, etc..). All virgin of course, but the vibe was pretty much a sidewalk cafe feel. Each courtyard had a sun/reading room on one end and one was where the facility dog lived and the other was where the faciity cat lived. Those were some very papered well loved pets let me tell ya. Residents could not exit the facility. All doors were alarmed and had punch code locks to enter and exit. Crashbars of course were installed for emergency exit needs.
One GM revolted against a wonderful care facility, the other absolutely thrived with it.
We can only do what we think is best based on the information we have at the time. I hope your parents can stabilize and enjoy the rest of their lives and that your brother can decompress on the topic.
Take care of you. You can't care for anyone else if you don't make sure you are well.
IMHO of course.
Feel better soon CLove.
So sorry you had to deal with parent's health issues during the
So sorry you had to deal with paren't health issues during the holidays. My suggestion would be to start looking at larger facilites that have independent living all the way to nursing home care. They can start out living on their own and then progress to more care if they need it. Of course, price can be a big problem.
Your aunt will be a blessing. When my mom had a stroke and my dad was in hospice at home, my aunt was a life saver. We couldn't have done it all without her help.
I must have missed an update, is PP visiting at all on a regular basis? Or only coming around for holidays and such.
SD18 Princess Powersulk
SD18 Princess Powersulk is not living even parttime at our house and is not visiting except for when there are holidays.
Yes, Im very thankful that Auntie will be available - sometime within the next week.
MAybe she can be the help that gets things on track with planning, because right now Mom is stressed and overwhelmed.
Clove, I have been there, i'm still on the road
I felt so much when I read your post cuz this is familiar ground for me. I even empathize with your brother "How dare this happen when my own life is so busy!"
It is correct that the senior communities that contain cottages, apartments and long-term facilities are great but yes, they are expensive. Your aunt, because she is nearer their age, will be so invaluable. You guys will figure out something.
My mom101 was in a senior community, all 3 steps of it, and is now in a nursing home. I was lucky that she was still able to make the decision to sell her house (and coordinate her move). She bought a condo where she lived and took care of my disabled sister til she was 93. She was able to realize she couldnt continue and they both went to the senior community, my sister resisting all the way. My sister's condition continued downhill and she died 3 years later. The following year, mom went to the nursing home.
Moral of the story: there are many possibilities and get ready to move them a lot.
DH87 and I are starting this journey. He's 8 years older than me and has 2 forms of cancer, both asymptomatic right now, thank God. Over Christmas, 2 family members asked me how long we can stay here. I've been open with all about DH's oncoming dementia and how all financial, car and home responsibilities are on me now. I'm his 24/7 nurse, making 3 meals daily, monitoring his meds, answering endless questions, treating his conditions, helping him dress, putting him to bed, etc. He's still his same funny, sweet man and I'm cherishing our remaining days.
I hope you're feeling better, it wasn't covid, was it?
Not COVID
Thanks JRI. Yeah this is not a good time, and there has been zero preparation. And I do understand my brothers emotional reactions - no judgement, but its just hard for me to handle it along with everything else.
You definitely have your hands full. The 24/7 care is a big drain and although I tend to think "well shes not got much else to do" I know mostly its stress for her. With her COPD and oxygen tank and all that.
I hope that this hospital visit ends soon, but that there will be things in place where he can get the in home care he needs if she cannot provide it.
I think the thing is... there
I think the thing is... there's usually a lot of "cleaning up" to do, no matter how healthy or unhealthy a person was. The man who lives next door to my parents just died (at 96!) He was very healthy and active for a long time... until he wasn't. For a great many many years he's been reliant on outside carers... first to help with things around the house, then little by little, more and more. He's been unable to climb stairs and walk much for the past several years. This past year and a half he was unable to use the toilet and very weak, unable to get around without assistance.
So I guess the point I'm trying to make is your brother could be dealing with it now or he could be dealing with it 10 years from now. It comes for us all in the end. Not many people go from very healthy to passing... it just buys us more years.
I'm sure you're all dealing with a lot of mixed emotions. It's so hard seeing your parents decline. I'm dreading it with my parents.
Aside from the other advice I would say prioritize things that need to be done based on urgency so you don't get overwhelmed. It's ok to say no to things too.
Taking time
Taking yesterday and today off to just have me time. And plus theres not much I can do, besides provide moral support. It is definitely tough, because my parents are VERY independant and now they arent.
My brother has told me "they have 5 more years..."
Blessing in disguise
The fact that your brother lives out of town could be a blessing in disguise. Both my brothers live distant, visit Mom annually or maybe twice a year and call weekly. I dont have to hear, " I think...", " My wife thinks...." or any of that. Would it be nice if one of them had lived locally when we were going thru all the moves? Yes, but Brother #1 and Nephew came to help Mom move out of her house and Nephew happened to be in town at the time of her last move and was a big help.
Re small moves : I learned there are small niche moving companies that specialize in moves such as from one facility to another. In other words, when all that must be moved are a heavy lift chair, table and small pieces. If you're dealing with a retirement community or nursing home, they will know who.
Time to start thinking of these things
Time to start thinking of these things. Like all the different care routes to take, and the realities.
My Dad isnt there yet "dont worry about me Ive got this".
Yeah right.
Your brother's delays between visits probably is a good thing.
He sees the major differences from where your parents were at his last visit so his concern is probably more than yours since you live the small daily degredations over time and the differences are not as obvious for you.
Thats true
Ive seen it often. My mother hides her conditions from him. She doesnt hide from me.
We all so much want the
Holidays to feel like they did in the past time. When we were younger and had small problems. Now we are older out problems are unsolvedable the joy of the holidays is diminished. ''''The golden years '''' aren't golden..Best of luck to everyone in 2025
Old days
Back in the old days, as kids, my parents always did fun things, and now its up to us to do the fun things, but this year for many reasons, I didnt have it in me to create that for myself, and husband has not been around much.
The Golden Years have the possibility, but it takes work, I feel.
UGH - You've had a rough
UGH - You've had a rough holiday season. I hope you're on the mend, soon. I pray your parents are healthy and functional going into the new year.
Thank you for the prayers
That they are at the minimum functional going into the new year and for at least a few more years so we can prepare better. Me having my own health issues, and not being strong for myself, Id say the timing is bad, but theres never really a good time, right?
Damn, I'm just seeing this
Damn, I'm just seeing this since i was traveling when you posted. That's a lot to deal with. I'm blessed not to have experienced that, yet, but i dread the likely future possibility. It has to be hard having your brother and his wife live long distance. But like some said, depending on how much help he would be, it might be a good thing. His and his wife's opinions are valuable, but the one who lives locally and has to live with the outcome of the choices (you) needs to make the final decision.