Step mom of a 16 year old boy I’m concerned
My husband has both his children 75% of the time. So I'm by his side helping him. My SD 13 has been with us 3 years now and he just got primary Residential custody of her. He's had PRC of his son since 2015 after the ex gave up residential custody of him. We live in different states 8 hrs apart. I've had a great bond with my SS (now 16) since then but in the last year he has changed so much. He has a good life except he has divorced parents. It's impossible for my husband to coparent with his ex. She is diagnosed bipolar depressed. We noticed a change in my SS behavior. He was so happy to get a job and we said as long as you keep up on school work you can keep the job. Well his work started slipping we gave him multiple attempts to fix it. He did not fix it so my husband told him he had to quit his job. His response was well I wanted to quit anyway. He is having self esteem issues which I know is with every teen. He's telling my mom he wishes he was never revived at 18 months they shoulda just let him die. He said he couldn't sleep because every night different people in our household and his moms house hold would die each night (I think he was making that one up to get attention.) one minute he's gay(which we excepted him with no issues. But I don't think that was the response he was looking for) that women are just full on Disgusting. Then he turns around and is dating a girl. He read a book at his moms about a gay Mormon Kid who came out to his parent and they sent him away to fix him. Then all of a sudden the same exact thing was happening to a boy he was supposedly dating. He claims his only family is his youngest sister and friends at school. He thinks his youngest sister has a perfect life because my DH and I are still together. He says his parents aren't his family because they gave him bad genetics. His mom told him about his dad making a verbal agreement Permanent with his sister through court and she'd have to pay child support. She took her daughter back after Christmas break. He was going around saying he hated his mom before Xmas break. We pick him up he no longer hated his mom he hated us. He said we are just using him and his sister for money. He texted his mom to keep his sister away from here. And when my DH got temporary custody before my SS knew he texted his mom and said "how did it go?" She said "not good" and his response was "son of a b*** let me guess they sided with him!" His mom has told him she's had nightmares of him committing sucicide. He has said to my mom "only if people knew how I really feel." We ask him to be open and honest but we keep getting the run around. With his slight autism my DH is in search of a therapist that specializes in it because the therapist he seen couldn't take him on. SS hates that he has Autism and pushes it away as if it don't Exist. He views it as a weekness I told him you can make a weekness your greatest strength. But he don't listen. hes saying he's depressed because his mom has is it and it's gentic. That's also why we are getting him help. It's hard to know what's real and what's just for attention with him. When he does something bad Consequences don't work even giving him extra chores don't work. I honestly think he lacks Empathy. Before he was just a happy outgoing kid. He is well taken care of he don't get beat or anything. He hates that he has body hair and he hates that he overweight he blames his parents for that. He's just all over the place. He watched Dexter the new ones and Dexter has a son named Harrison. Well he texted sister say hey call me Harrison for now on but don't tell anyone else in the house I don't want them to know. Harrison shot his father in the show. We asked him about it because his sister told us and he said it because he likes the name. It's the weirdest thing because he's a kind kid but he don't listen to shit his dad says.
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Without being able to follow
Without being able to follow all the details, i can tell you that this kid has severe emotional problems. If he's not in therapy, he needs to be.
This kid is an attention whore. Period. Dot.
Time to bare his ass with the facts.
First... give him every fact about his whack job mother and explain that Courts rule on what is in the best interests of the kids and obviously it is best for his sister that their mother not have PRC of his sister. Fact!!
Fact!! He is fat... because he has a PEBCAF problem. Problem Exists Between Chair And Fork. His is the problem. Point out that he needs to quit stuffing his face and he will longer be fat.
Fact!! He has Autism. A light variant, but he has it. Let him know that neither daddy, you, nor life will give a shit about that and it is not an excuse for his behavioral shit.
Fact!!! Every night someine in every home goes to sleep and in nearly every home... NO ONE DIES! Tell him to knock off that stupid shit. Yes, occassionally, someone, in a home somewhere, dies in their sleep. Shit happens.
Fact!!! Mommy gave up custody of him. Daddy did not take it from her. Mommy gave the kid up. So, who is the bad, toxic, evil parent. MOMMY you dumbass kid!
Fact!!! He has emotional problems. However, those cannot be tolerated as excuses for his shit.
IMHO of course.
Rub his nose in the facts of life. Primarily, his life.
smh
My mother once told me that we all inherrit problems from our parents but at some point those problems become ours to solve... so solve them. This kid needs that message. Over, and over, and over again.
IMHO of course.
First
The qustion I have to ask you is how much screentime is he getting? How much time is he allowed inhis room? This is very important. Kids now days are so disconnected from their families and are getting their ideas from online sources causing havoc on the family.
My SKids would sit in their rooms all day. They had smart phones and did as they please at 10 & 11. By age 12 & 13 they were severly depressed, smoking weed, their brother was into heavier things, they were drinkng alcohol and sleeping around. The SD's had nude photos on snapchat and Instagram. They would take snaps of themselves getting high and rolling joints.
We cracked down as paretnts. We took away the smart phones,they were allowed 30 minutes in their rooms only. They had to be out engaging with the family. Their DH rotated weeks with them. Their day with dad was Thursday and one of them would get a 30 minutes to one hour of time with him all to themselves.They would go hiking, or play a game together, or he would teach them something. No other kids were allowed to interrupt.
This worked for some time, but our SS decided it was unfair to tell him no drugs in our home. He ended up leaving at 16 and took to the streets. Our girls were doing ok until this time last year. Our SD (16) started staying in her room more and more, she was withdrawn, she changed the way she dressed, she was depressed. I kept asking DH, " Whats going with her?" He would say he didnt know but he would ask her. That never happened and he was seriously slacking on the rules he made. She came out and told us she was gay, we said ok. A few weeks later it was Im Bi. We said ok. The following month it was Im trans. We told her no. We went back a forth about it and told her we were not going to support her transitioning. She was way to young to decide something so life changing and dangerous.
We found out she got all her ideas from tic-tok. The videos and forums she was watching were " Do you like the color blue? You are probably trans" to " I dont dress like a typical girI I must be trans." She was looking for anything from DNA to chromosomes on why she could be in the wrong body. The truth is she found something she could be a part of with other kids her age and she didnt like all the trouble that came with being a woman. She wanted puberty to stop.
DH made it clear there was to be no dressing, binding or deepening of her voice, her teachers were not going to call her by any other name than what he and is then wife had named her at birth. We got her out of her room, we limited her time on the all electronics. She was unhappy about it but it worked. Her depression went away. She started going back to her normal self. We started counseling at our church. DH talks to her often and spends time with her one on one. Shes doing well in school. Shes started driving school this week.
We have also handed both SD's a lot of freedoms. They start working soon. They turn 18 and they will get to start making decisions for themselves. We will still have house rules bc after all it is our home. There are still things that pop up now and then bc nothing is perfect but as parents we just have to try our best.
I think you are a good mom with your SS. Youre concerned, youre attentive to his needs and I also know there is only so much you can do bc you are a SP. I read a book called " Feeding the mouth that bites you" One of the things he says in the first chapter is " You may think that youre failing as a parent, but the truth is, youre doing way better than you think."