Need some pointers how to help step son.
My SS is 17 with a processing disorder. He's with us 75% of the time. My DH and I try everything possible to help him. No matter what we do doesn't seem to work. He's failing 3 classes and claims he trying his hardest. He does have an iep for extra help. My DH emailed his teachers and they are telling us a complete different story then what he's telling us. He claims he's asking for help that he's just not understanding it and he's turning in his work but the teachers arnt grading it. Come to find out he's not asking the teachers for help. Instead of doing his school work in class he's too busy chatting with his friends or watching YouTube. We've tried positive reinforcement and also taking privileges away. Neither one works. We also ask him what's going on how's he feeling and stuff like that. He always tells us he's fine that it's what ever with the drama at school. He's gone down this path before but as soon as he got a gf he was doing great grades were good and he was happy. Until he asked her if he was to trans to a female would she still date him. She then broke up with him. One minute he hates woman and is gay. Then he's starts dating a girl and says he's bi. Then he says he's non binary and wants to go by they or them but also wants to be a girl while he's non binary . He don't like his name so he wanted a different male name. At the same time he wants to be a punk rocker dude. Since the break up and there is no one else who will date him his grades started going because he's seeing the girl he dated happy with someone else. His school offers a mental health counselor so we suggested he go talk to them but he won't. We can't afford therapy due to the rise of cost of everything but make too much for free therapy. It seems to me that the only way he is happy is if he's dating someone. We've tried to have conversations with him to figure out how to help him but he won't be open and honest. He's so focused on people that he's not focusing that he's in his junior year and has one year left. All I want to do his help him and get him through high school. He's fixated on what going on in others peoples life's and trying to fix their problems in their life. I found out that he opened up to his mother and told her he's just over being tired and alone. That his mind tells him he doesn't deserve anyone or happiness. He has become reliant on needing someone in order to be happy. Any advice how we can help him? We've tried to encourage him to not date until out of high school because of potential break ups affecting his school work and having to still go to school with the person.
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He does not deserve a partner
He does not deserve a partner or to be happy..... until he makes the choice to be happy. No one wants a baggage riddled needy person and I would not advise any teen to tolerate.. your extremely confused SS/SD/StepBi/binary/nonbinary waste of partner Skid. as their "pick the ponoun" friend/romantic partner.
I would start by running his cell phone over in the driveway with the car. Repeatedly. Then hand him the crushed pieces and tell him "No more youtube videos until you graduate from from HS and turn 18."
He needs to be held strictly accountable to standards of behavior and standards of performance by adult ,confident, zero tolerance behavioral bullshit parents. Sure, get him some therapy if that is affordable. Therapy or not, hold him to standard. Period. Dot
He does not need coddling, his manipulative woe is me bullshit crap catered to, or any of his failure to deliver to standards of behavior and standards of performance tolerated.
At this stage he/him/her/they/them needs an aggressively increasing progression of abject misery all the way to HS graduation when launching will put their decisions on them and ...... life becames "their" problem and not mommy's, daddy's, yours, or their teachers.
IMHO of course.
A thought.
Get the kid in an online accelerated graduation program so he does not have to deal with the distracting elements of his issues. He could likely get his diploma by the end of this coming summer then daddy can sign approval for him to enlist in the military at 17.
That gets him under the hairy eyeball of professionals who are experts at getting teens to engage effectively in a team environment and who do not allow the distractions in work life. It also gets him benefits of professionals who can help him navigate the issues he is allowing to interfere IRL and to manipulate. Those experts at getting teens to engage effectively also do not tolerate manipulation.
I would shift past the distractions this kid is injecting into his path to HS graduation and get him to graduation ASAP. After that and arrival of his 18th birthday, he can finish growing up on his own time and his own dime.
Some kids need distractions removed in order for them to reach critical goals. For teens on the cusp of the age of majority, that can be the last opportunity for parents to deliver with their parental authority to get a kid launched.
My Skid had a number of distractions though nothing Dx'd regarding disorders. His issue was partially related to what your SS is experiencing. Not youtube, but WoW and online gaming. He was an honor student his Jr. year of HS then failed some classes the first semester of his Sr year when his Spermidiot hacked the firewall at SS's Military boarding school. We brought him home at winter break of his Sr. year and put the fear of going to the homeless camp in him if he did not graduate on time. He finished the last half of his Sr. year at our local HS... with honors. He shoveled countless tons of snow that winter as we lived much farther N than where his Military school was, he had no access to computers except for school work.
He did graduate on time and with honors. We engaged the burning platform model after graduation to get him moving towards launching into adulthood. He turned 18 yo 3mos after he graduated. He started his USAF career 8mos later.
It took a decided level of escalating abject misery to get him to launch. Once he came to the realization that he could far more than just room and board if he worked outside of our home, he launched.
IMHO your SS needs to have any and all self determination taken away until he launches at which point he can finish growing up.
I would remove access to any
I would remove access to any unnecessary internet access during school hours, and preferably overnight too if he says he's tired as he is probably up online all night like a lot of teens.
Ask the teachers if they have any other advice.
If grades don't improve your husband might have to start checking homework and grades etc to make sure your ss puts the effort in.
Then I would help him find some healthy hobbies to give him something else to focus on other than school drama. If it is something physically active that would be best to help with his mental health and give him an outlet.
If there are any lgbt groups at school or locally that could help to give him a community and some peers who are also going through identity issues. I'm sure you're doing this already but all the advice is to accept these explorations and changes of names/pronouns etc. My sd identifies as a gay male currently and we went through the non-binary stage and have had various names, including different names used at school as well as home....So i know it can be a lot to deal with.
Then personally I'd not overtly discourage his love life. He's a teen and unlikely to be dissuaded by parental figures. His hormonal drive is high. Better to know what is going on in his life than have him hide it from you.
Obviously your husband needs to be on board with these and should be the main driving force behind these changes.
Unfortunately we can't limit
Unfortunately we can't limit access at school since school is computer based in all classes. But we do take devices away at night since we had the issue of him staying up all night. My husband is always checking grades. He dropped his grades once before because he couldn't get a bf/gf at school. So he was down in the dumps Then he got a gf and his grades shot back up he was doing good. Now they are not together after 3 months of dating. His grades are going down he's not putting in effort. He feels she took all his happiness away and that all human species suck. One assignment was draw 3 separate characters from different backgrounds and include something that would bring them together. He had 4 days and he drew a rectangle with square eyes and a mouth.
To be fair to the boy that
To be fair to the boy that kind of assignment would have seemed pointless to me at his age.
He needs something else to focus on so he isn't just fixated on his love life and can feel some sense of accomplishment in of himself in another area of life. Maybe volunteering somewhere would provide a different perspective and a sense of purpose?
Doa he have any ambitions for
Doa he have any ambitions for particular fields of work or study after high school? Perhaps some part time work in that or a related field might be an option.
Yes he is really into
Yes he is really into culinary. He even goes after school for the culinary after school program. He had a part time job but couldn't keep it because he can't work and school. Other then his parents divorce 10 years ago he's got a good life. He's told my mom before he's thought bout sucide. Those comments stopped once he got a gf. But now that he's not in a relationship death comments are back. Either he's seeking attention or he legit wants to die if he can't have someone.
Is he getting professional mental help?
He should be seeing someone. He seems all over the place. Destroying his relationship and life. He first has to figure out his sexual orientation. He can not date when he doesn't know what he/she is. And must face the fact that lies are not on school work doesn't fly.
He's failing 3 classes and
Probably because he's lying!
Most of these teens stay lying to get parents or whoever off their backs.
You know he's lying because all of the teachers in separate classrooms giving the same story and the common denominator is himself
Because most teens are trying to impress others and their self worth is wrapped up in how popular/likeable they are. Some teens are a bit more extreme with it than others.
Work with him on self-esteem building and confidence then invite several of his favorite people over once a month or so so he has a reason to spruce himself up.
Gotta put your oxygen mask on before you help others.
shoot are we all tired of being alone?!? Welcome to
LIFE!
Any he sounds like he has some co-dependent tendencies.
Good idea to take it SLOWLY when dating especially as a young teen/young adult because at this stage providing for oneself and possibly a future family is more important (imo)
Having a well-rounded diet and lifestyle (academics, extracurriculars, family, friends, travel, pets, etc) is key. Also nurting mental health plus support network is important as well
A few thoughts.
A few thoughts.
1. He needs therapy.. I don't care if you all have to eat ramen noodles every day.. his mental health is a huge problem.. and he needs therapy.. perhaps even medications. You do realize that kids in the LBGT community have a higher rate of suicide? The bottom line is that you cannot afford NOT to get him into therapy. The fact that he is all over the place with stuff.. well.. he clearly needs help figuring it all out.. and the fact that when he is in a better head space..his grades reflected positive progress? this is not a "ohh we just can't afford it".. because you have to do it.. and I guaranty it will be a lot more expensive in the long run if it doesn't happen.
2. You may not be able to take his internet away..but you can have his devices locked down so that they don't have apps like youtube.. snapchat.. etc.. get someone to help you figure that out.
3. Someone needs to be monitoring his schoolwork.. not just taking his word for it. He has proved he cannot be trusted to be honest.. so now he will be highly monitored.
You cant do anything in your
You cant do anything in your capacity to help him because you are not his parent and have no say so in the matter. Wtv you try to do will fall on deaf ears because his bioparents will do as he pleases
Boy, girl, it, gay, bi, straight but 0 college plans, friends or extracurricular activities and on top of that failing school
Culinary arts = tough jobs with long hours and physical activity. Ppl think its just cooking but its actually prepping, carrying, cleaning, washing, etc....Professional chefs start at the bottom and dont always end up at the top...
I am quite sure that, if no plans and improvements are made, your SS will end up a 20 something locked in his/her/their/it room while you fund him for life and his mommy dotes on him from far. I hope for you that you can protect your peace and quit worrying about those who dont worry about you and dont look to connect with you or help you in life. Let the parents worry about their own offspring and how they raised them