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Mystery of the clean room, aka someone has a cold

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 2:41pm

So - Yesterday, my day off, I am cleaning up here and there and in general I am putzing around. 

I did a Bad Thing...

I was stewing about the state of SD16 Power Sulk's room and as much as I read the comments "close the door, it doesnt exist", I went in there to assess the "damage". I opened the window a crack to air it out, because the smell was so bad, and pungent it wafts out every time she goes in or out. Think greasy unwashed teen girl with lizard poop undernotes.

I looked at the garbage too. Husband sometimes accuses me of eating all the icecream bars, and well I beg to differ now. She claims no where to put clothes hence why they are on the floor. There is plenty of space, in the dresser. Anyways, back to my Bad Thing.

I found cold meds, half gone. The kind that put you to sleep. Ok, mystery solved on why kiddo rolls out of her room around 10 am or later on the weekends, groggy. After stewing on it for a bit and asking advice from those smarter than I, I approached husband with the knowledge. I told him that I will not mention anything, and he agreed, and then I hid them. His comment was "well they are coming from her mother, not me...she probably just had a cold and hasnt taken them since."

Sure.

So, he walks out with a huge bag of trash from her room. I just laughed "oh you cleaned her room for her..."

Well, apparently, because I checked in on it...and it was tidy.

Now the mystery is why?

1. Did he clean it to get it clean so she doesnt stew in the juice of room grossness?

2. Did he clean it to prevent me from "harassing" her to clean it, her not clean it and then there is conflict?

3. Did he clean it to let her know we found and confiscated her cold meds?

4. Not going to wonder anymore. I cannot police this and cannot care more than the parents do.

Some background for those that are new...back when SDnow23 Feral Forger was living with us, her room was super mucky and funky. SD16 Power Sulks room looked identical. She was the same way too, holing up in her room, coming out groggy, sometimes coming out really late to sneak food into her room to eat...we now know that she was very medicated via her mother (anti anxiety, antehistamines for non-existant asthma, etc etc) and the meds rendered FF pretty useless...much like Ive been experiencing with SD16 PS.

Its hopefully not what is happening now. But Im not going to be the skid police. (repeat 5 times or as necessary...)

Comments

missgingersnap2021's picture

Submitted by missgingersnap2021 on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 3:34pm

I would guess 2. DH tried to do things for Sd that I had asked and expected SD to do years ago. Thank God he has stopped.  SD respects me, her father and the house rules.She makes her bed every day, does her own laundry, leaves nothing laying around before she leaves (She obvioulsy has stuff laying about on the weekends she is here but when she leaves on Sunday night or Monday morning everything goes with her back to her moms or gets put away and she empties her own garbage when she leaves. She also almost never eats in her room and her stuff stays in her room or her bathroom, not all over the house.

This part about Step life has been a breeze and something I am very grateful for! 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 3:57pm

I dont know how things are going to go...going forward.

Husband is losing his job in April. And doesnt want to rock any boats.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 4:12pm

He blew that off.

I think he doesnt want any boats rocked.

Evil4's picture

Submitted by Evil4 on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 5:34pm

Your posts kind of remind me of MissGingerSnap's posts. I think the commonality is that both of your DHs don't seem to have a good level of expectations for their daughters. Both of these dads don't want to rock the boat with their daughters so they act blind or over-function for them. 

I feel this pain as it drove me insane to see how my DH had zero expectations for my SKs, especially SD, and did absolutely everything for them, especially SD. Someone on here posted the Disengagement Essay, which I can never seem to find, but when I saved a copy, I read it probably a hundred times to remind myself that my DH just isn't going to raise his kids the way I want him to. I think when I accepted that part of all the nasty dynamics going on, it helped me let go of my "strategies" to get my SKs to do anything. However, I did figure out DH's currency when I really contemplated what my hills to die on were. Mine was fear of livestock appearing. I didn't want to see rodents, bugs or moulds forming (we live at sea level, so anything and everything produces mould here), so that was my limit and I would say something. Well, I found out that DH can't stand the thought of "new pets" in the house. He HATES them more than anything and all I had to do was gently say that I was scared of seeing something sometime soon. I didn't even need to finish the sentence and DH was on it. So, maybe accept that your DH isn't going to parent PS the way you want to. He's not going to enforce expectations on her. Decide what your limit is. What is a hill to die on for you? And if it's your DH's currency, then you will have hit the jackpot and found leverage. LOL. But if you don't, then at least you've made a plan on what your limit is and unless that limit it hit you say nothing because you've accepted that your DH just isn't going to require PS to be responsible for even basic things. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 5:47pm

Hill to die on is stealing and rudeness.

But since none of that is occurring, I have no currency...I just need to hold my nose and close my eyes.

I recall that essay!

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 6:19pm

That is what I am thinking. 

But do I ask her and listen to lies, or just confiscate and dont mention it like Husband is going to do?

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Wed, 02/22/2023 - 1:18am

You found questionable thing in her room and told DH. It's his job now. I see no need for you to confront SD. It's now in parents' hands. I'd also give dad the meds to deal with. I'd not be hiding it myself

missgingersnap2021's picture

Submitted by missgingersnap2021 on Wed, 02/22/2023 - 9:38am

Here's a thought - what if you went in to her bedroom and cleaned it all the time on a regular basis? Meaning I keep my house very clean neat and tidy and clean weekly if not more.  I would go in there all the time and clean it just like I would clean our bedroom or the living room or any other room and if DH  said anything I would say "well I clean the house and that's part of the house! what if I only mopped 3/4 of the kitchen floor?"

And I would also throw in. "She's obviously not old enough to take care of things So I need to do it for her." I would think her lack of privacy and you constantly touching her things would set her over the edge . To be honest DH and I still do that with SD18. She is very neat for the most part, but every once in a while, she'll try to leave the house with a pile of blankets on her bed or clothes thrown in a heap on top of the laundry basket and he'll go in there and fold them. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 02/28/2023 - 7:52pm

It is exactly what you are experiencing with SD-16-PS.  Just like FF. Same parents, same crap, same results.

My mother would not tolerate comatose teens in her home regardless of how late we might have stayed up the night before. IT was GTF out of bed or get a pitcher of icewater dumped on us when she told us to get up. One and ... don.  Get up, or fly out of bed trying to catch our breath after being doused with ice water.

Very effective.  Both at getting us out of bed, and teaching the lesson that bed time choices matter.