I completely agree with you. I feel like a few decades ago, we saw less people who were identified as narcissists, yet now t seems they are a dime a dozen. 

Fortunately, BM has really calmed down over the last twoish years. I think after going to court, her being scolded by the judge for trying to control DH, and DH holding his own and maintaining boundaries, she got bored and realized it wouldn't work. He barely responds to her now, so now she communicates even less. She still tries to stir the pot occasionally, making some allegation or asking DH to change his visitation, but since DH doesn't take the bait, even that has happened less and less. 

BM used DH to get pregnant and broke up with him immediately once she got pregnant. After she broke up with him, her tune about DH changed - he went from being her first love who she wanted to marry and be with forever to a deadbeat loser who she didn't trust at all. BM and DH went to court when SS was a baby. They were teen parents, unwed at the time of SS' birth, so all physical and legal custody of SS was automatically granted to BM according to state law. BM, in her narcissistic way, felt that she was granted sole custody because she was better than DH and DH was unfit, not because it was law across the board and she obtained custody by default. DH petitioned to confirm paternity and petitioned for joint legal and physical custody. The judge did not initiate a temporary visitation order, leaving it up to BM to allow DH visitation while the courts figured everything out, which of course BM didn't allow. It took the courts two years to wrap up the case, and BM argued, since DH had never met SS (due to BM), he should only have a few hours of visitation per month, which the judge agreed with and granted. The judge then ordered to maintain BM's sole legal custody, granting DH no decision making power. We went back every year for an increase but the courts increased visitation at a snail's pace. We had 3 to 6 hours of visitation from age 2 to 4 and only got overnights at age 5 when BM announced she was moving out of state, making a few hour visits impossible. When BM moved, we had two two week blocks in the summer and alternating holiday breaks. 

We took BM back to court in 2019, again requesting joint legal custody and increase in visitation to equal majority of the summer, alternating Thanksgiving breaks and spring breaks, and splitting Christmas break. We provided thousands of pages of emails and texts as evidence and showed a clear pattern of PAS and abuse toward DH. BM pulled a bunch of stuff in court to get the increased visitation denied, accusing us of abuse, claiming SS had ADHD and needed to play sports the whole summer to manage his symptoms, etc. The judge denied our request for increased visitation - keeping us at 6 weeks total per year with two two week blocks in the summer. He denied our request for joint legal custody, but granted us daycare and medical decision making during our visitation. The judge told DH to pay his CS, accept the visitation we have, and leave the rest alone, because "a child needs their Mother." 

DH and I have made our peace with it, accepting that it wasn't going to ever go in our favor, so DH has basically given up. We don't try to coparent with BM and we don't question anything. We see SS during our visitation, never asking for more, pay our CS, and thats it. To this day, BM claims that she has custody because she is superior to DH, not because she was automatically granted it, where DH had to fight for his rights. 

DH and I both get triggered when BM requests changes to the visitation schedule or tries to impact our finances. When BM asks to change dates, or sends huge medical bills without notice, or petitions for a CS review (because BM is paying for a wedding and needs more), it's all triggering to us both. I think it's because we are always waiting for those situations to escalate exponentially. 

I was in therapy for two years to navigate this situation. I've done a lot of healing and it has gotten better. I used to get nervous whenever BM's name came across DH's phone but now it is just when we get blindsided with money or visitation issues. I am always just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

I feel this. I get triggered whenever I check my mailbox - waiting to find a new medical bill or a petition for a CS increase (which we got two weeks ago). All of our printed documents or court evidence is locked in a filing cabinet in our basement and we don't look at it ever. For us, it used to be the verbal abuse and the lies that triggered us. 

We still have 7 years until SS ages out. As much as I love SS and want to cherish the short time of his childhood we have left, I also want all of this over with. I am always on edge about being blindsided by BM.

You had one of the worst cases on this site. I don't blame you for being traumatized and angry after everything you went through. 

That's true. That's exactly whats happening. 

I feel this 1000%. Its like the mean girl in high school except you literally can't get away from because you are legally bound to her for years. DH dealing with BM, even if over something minor, completely changes me attitude. We can be having a great day and if BM intervenes, my mood is immediately soured. We only have 7 years left and I cannot wait for the day that DH can block her on everything and if she comes to him freaking out or tries to stay relevant, he can finally tell her to "F*** Off" after having to bite our tongue and play nice all these years. I can't wait for her to be powerless and not have a CO to hold over our heads.