I have posted previously about my Mom on this blog. For backstory: my mother was abused by her biological father (who had paranoid schizophrenia) until she was 11. My grandma tried to leave numerous times, but was always located and brought back. No fault divorces weren't a thing back then and every time my grandma filed, her request was denied. Her husband appeared to be a model citizen (with narc tendencies) so the locals never suspected a thing. My grandma was also being abused, so it was hard to leave when she had no resources to help you leave. My Mom has always had a constant need for control over everything from the clothes we wore to the money in our bank accounts. I can't tell if my Mom has similar tendencies to her biological Dad, because I have never met him. We have always just said that her need for control stems from the abuse she faced and having no control over that situation.

Recently, my Mom's tendencies have spiraled out of control. I am starting to see a lot of narcissistic tendencies in her that I didn't previously recognize. For one, she cannot bite her tongue for anything - if she thinks it, she has to say it or act on it, even if it isn't appropriate. She will say, "I need to follow up with your Dad on x, y, and z item." And instead of waiting until later to talk to him about it, she will call right then and there, even if she only called him 5 minutes before. This has led to my Mom calling my Dad anywhere between 10 to 30 times per day. Mom also thinks she is always right and that she is of very high importance. Also, my Mom is a stay-at-home housewife (I can't say Mom anymore because she is an empty nester). She spends all day sleeping in, watching TV, going out to lunch with friends, shopping, and doing basic household tasks like laundry and cleaning. Because my Mom has nothing to do all day, she has nothing but time to perseverate on us and my Dad and all the things she needs to "control." This control led to my Mom making a full nursery at her house for DD, equipped with literally everything I have here. I knew that it wasn't a generous gesture, but solely to control DD and I - essentially "playing house" with DD when she is there. 

When I was pregnant with DD, my Mom insisted on providing childcare. DH and I preferred to use a daycare center because we knew Mom was just looking for a "pet project" and that it would be easier to not rely on her. Plus, due to her narc tendencies, I didn't want Mom around every day. Well, other family members pushed us on it and daycares all had a lengthy wait-list, so we agreed. It was bad from Day 1. On Day 1, my Mom showed up, did nothing, and left early, telling my Dad that she "couldn't do this anymore" because it was cramping her plans. I work remotely 8:30 am to 4:30 pm. Over several weeks, it only got worse. My Mom would show up late, rolling in around 9:30 am. She would immediately clean my house because she couldn't stand that my bed wasn't made or that DD's bottles were unwashed, sitting in the sink (my Mom is likely undiagnosed OCD because she is impulsive and aggressive about cleanliness and disorder). This would cause my Mom to neglect DD, by only focusing on completing unnecessary chores and cleaning, while verbally dismissing DD's needs, so DD would scream and cry, causing me to have to get up from work to change DD's diaper, feed DD, etc. Then, after all the cleaning was done, my Mom would plop down on the couch and binge watch TV, getting frustrated at DD if she cried or needed anything that would interrupt her show. Then Mom would say she needed to leave around 2 pm due to whatever excuse she could come up with on that given day - the dogs need to be let out, she needed to get home to mow before the rain comes, etc. Mom has alwo planned several vacations that interfere with my childcare, not telling me until the last minute, leaving me scrambling for childcare while I work and she is out of town. 

On Day 1, Mom became frustrated with the 12 minute drive to my house. So, to make a fair compromise, I offered to go to my Mom's house on M/W/F, if she came to mine on T/Th. So for the past 5 months, 3 days a week, I walk out the door at 7:30 a.m. with my work bag, diaper bag, and DD in tow to drive to my Mom's, arriving only to find Mom still in bed when I get there, complaining about how early it is and that she didn't get any sleep the night before. This continued until Mom wanted me to come to her house full-time because there were too many household tasks that needed attending to that she couldn't do if she was at my house. So, I have now been driving to Mom's house 4 to 5 days per week, or just forgoing care on my lighter days for the last few weeks. I keep telling my Mom "what would you do if you had a real job that took you out of the house for 40 hours each week?" To which she laughs in response. 

While all of this is occurring, Mom is constantly critiquing my parenting and undermining my parenting decisions. She disregards the schedule we have worked hard to get DD on. She takes DD on errands without letting me know she left. She argues with me on literally everything - the clothes DD wears, the toys she plays with, the way we handle meals, etc. I have struggled to feel like a Mom because my Mom puts her nose into everything DD does. I honestly feel like a teen Mom who's Mother raises her baby, even though I am doing everything. My Mom truly believes she has a say in all decisions regarding DD, regardless of anyone telling her otherwise. 

Today was the final straw. I was at my Mom's house and DD6months starts screaming. I watched to see what my Mom would do. Mom tells DD, "you will need to wait until I finish folding laundry." So DD just sits there screaming. I get up, telling my Mom that DD needs a bottle and I would get one and feed her. Mom races in, yelling at me, because I'm supposed to be working. I continue to pour the bottle and she grabs it, splashing formula everywhere. Then she yells at me for spilling milk on her newly mopped floor. Mom proceeds to scream "DD can wait 5 minutes until I can get her. I am not like you who leaves DD unattended for hours on end (never happens - I don't like DD crying for more than 2 minutes). I take DD outside to the porch to feed her, telling Mom that today will be the last day she will provide childcare. My Mom follows me out to the porch, screaming, "If you're going to fire me as babysitter, then fire me as Grandma too. Don't you dare ask me for another damn thing. I have busted my butt these past few months and I never even get a 'Thank you.' You are so ungrateful." I ignored her, called DH and told him to pick me up. Afterward, Mom was gaslighting me, trying to blame me for the fight, love bombing DD with hugs and kisses. I calmly grabbed DD, packed up my stuff and when DH arrived, I loaded up and left. My Mom immediately called my Dad to tell her side, which led to Dad calling me mad, trying to figure out what happened. Since all of this, Mom has called me twice to check on DD, acting like nothing ever happened.

I am so over all of it. I told my Dad that I think it is best I go no contact with Mom for a while, which is hard because I need the childcare. DD starts daycare next week, but it's only 2 days a week because daycare can't offer more than that right now. DD is still on the wait-list for the remaining days. I don't want to crawl back to my Mom for help. I hate that I allowed myself to be stuck in this situation.