Beyond Frustrated with DH
DH has 50/50 with BM. SD12 goes to the middle school in our neighborhood per CO. This past school year was terrible. Bullying (on her part too), poor grades, attendance issues etc.
BM lives 30 - 45 minutes away... because of this BM would typically give up majority of weekdays so she wouldn't have to drive SD12 to school. Nothing consistent. Everything was last minute. For example she would text DH. "I know it's my week, but I need SD to catch the bus to your house. Can't pick her up from school today."
SD12 hates her current school. She has begged and pleaded DH to let her switch schools. I'm talking hand written letters, asking for sit down conversations, endless text messages... etc. DH always IMMEDIATELY shuts her down (if he even responds/acknowledges her request at all).
I'm frustrated with DH because his parenting totally sucks right now. He always just says "It's my decision. The judge gave me educational rights, not your Mom, etc. etc." He is hung up on the principle of SD12 staying at our middle school.
From my POV... SD staying at our school is doing her ZERO favors. She finished the year with C's and D's. Totally engulfed with girl drama. Started bullying others herself... the list goes on. I honestly don't see any positives... other than DH has her take the school bus instead of driving her. Totally out of convenience for him... she's not benefiting from it.
SD is MISERABLE when she is at our house. It's so obvious she doesn't want to be here. I have seen text messages of SD sending BM saying "I hate this place."
IMHO, I think DH is hurting SD more than helping her. He is not listening. I wish he would try to understand. If I had a say, I wish he would give SD12 a chance to try it. Let SD12 move to her BMs school district. If she can keep her grades up A's and B's and keep good school attenance... then just let her stay. Being at our middle school obviously isn't working.
I feel that DH just doesn't want to have to drive the 30 - 45 minutes either during his week instead of taking the bus. It would probably end up that SD would stay with BM during the school days... and SD would come here just EOWknd. If that helps with her school issues, grades, bullying, depression etc... I personally don't see anything wrong with it. I'm so annoyed he is not taking this under consideration and following the CO only out of principle. It is frustrating ME, making SD resentful of her Dad, and DH is on a power trip because of it... I feel like he is causing the whole household to be miserable. SD12 is negative when she is here, I'm annoyed with her taking it out on me with her terrible attitude... and not to mention DHs mood changes too when SD12 is here,
Ugh, I wish either she would just move to her BM's and go to her school.... or hurry up and be 18 already. So tired of the back and forth between her and DH. If he keeps this up I honestly don't see the two of them having much of a relationship any longer anyway....
Am I totally unreasonable here to wish DH would just be flexible with the CO? Or is he being the responsible parent here and not letting SD12 call the shots? Help!
- Dogmom1321's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Your DH is wrong. His job as
Your DH is wrong. His job as a parent is to give his daughter the best possible chance of launching into adulthood. If her current school situation is detrimental, then he needs to come up with a new solution. Even if the worst option is to give SD back to BM, he still needs to come up with some other solution: a different school nearby, online schooling, therapy for both him and SD, parenting classes, etc.
Yes, the court gave him educational rights, and he's failing to use those appropriately. No, a 12 year old shouldn't dictate where they live and go to school. However, if a 12 year old is struggling, a parent needs to listen and find out why. Your DH is acting no better than the GUBMs we hear about on here who are willing to sacrifice their kids for the sake of being the "superior parent".
Honestly.. If I were BM.. I
Honestly.. If I were BM.. I would give up weekdays vs adding 2 to 3 hours of driving.. that just seems insane.. and I get your DH wouldn't want that either.
While I understand your POV.. I will also give you another one.. where ever you go.. there you are. She is who she is.. there is likely to be nothing different about the other school other than other girl drama with different girls. the drama can follow via social media anyway. I kind of can see your DH's pov that he doubts the change would change much.. other than make it either a huge inconvenience to him.. or losing control over his child to BM.. who it sounds like may be flaky.. I can also see him wanting her to work through these issues and learn to deal with the adversity of life. Bottom line.. middle school girls are evil.. lol.. and it's an awkward phase.. but if he is going to insist she stay.. he needs to be more proactive with her on how to deal with stuff. .. and working on her schoolwork etc.. unless he is as "lazy" as BM is about her.
The benefit would be mostly to you not having to deal with her.. and only a possible improvement to her.. but honestly? it is likely to end up no different.
The was a piece on Slate the
The was a piece on Slate the other day about middle school. It emphasized that, for many, the middle school years are miserable. Misery and middle school often go hand and hand. The emotions of puberty wreck havoc on kids and parents are collateral damage. Changing custody, changing schools does not mean SD would be happier.
That said, SD could benefit from some counseling/therapy. That is in his power to arrange.
In my world, bullies do not get to complain about being bullied.
Kids with quality responsible parents do not have attendance issues.
Kids with quality parents do not have poor grades. They may not be honor students, but they don't have poor grades.
IMHO the only answer to this whiney victim cry fest for SD is... no. You will stay, you will perform, or you will continue to suffer the consequences of your poor behavioral and performance choices.
Buckle up buttercup. This is your ride and you don't get off until HS graduation. Your DH needs to be all over her like flies on the performance and behavioral crap that she is.
She is 12 ffs. She gets no say. She does what she is told. Period. Dot. This crap was not a thing .... back in the day. Kids went to the schools they were told to go to. Which usually correlated to where the family lived. Like it or not. The ones who made consistent bad choices went to the district behavioral problem school.
And.. daddy needs to get the kid an accountability focused therapist.
IMHO of course.