We wonder why so many kids in todays world are so entitled and do not have to take responsibility for their actions.

Piss poor therapist IMHO.

I am gonna show up late to work, sleep on the job, and have anger issues with co workers. When my boss calls me into the office to FIRE me cue to tears "but but my pops and momsey fought all the dang time. My pops could never hold down a job" 

Wish me luck 

ETA: this was sarcasm and I know I am an adult and SS is a teen. So not a fair comparison. BUT dang how will he turn into a responsible adult if he isnt held responsible for shitty behavior.

I would recomend to Dh that you find another therapist...

Yeah, no. 

SS is a product of poor parenting.

And I do think maybe each parent should spend some quality 1:1 time with him.

Your irritation is understandable, but that is what I would take away from the session.

But yeah, he definitely needs to be punished when he does something horrible.

These therapists really kill me these days.  There has been such a shift in the way kids are treated compared to when I was growing up.  Young people were expected to respect that their parents had to work and deal with adult issues, etc., just to keep their little family's world turning.  We were expected to pay attention to that because it would be our own reality all too soon.  Now it's like young people can just literally do no wrong and everything can be blamed on the adults in their lives.  And if your SS is anything like my good friend's SD, the whole "positive reinforcement" thing literally only increases their special flower syndrome.  "MOST kids are just expected to do their homework, but I'M a little princess and my time is valuable so I get PAID to do mine!"  Just ugh.  I can't roll my eyes hard enough.  lol

How old was the therapist?  When it comes to things like this, I'll take an old boomer anyday over the 'modern, younger' therapy parenting ideas lol

I don't know how you managed to keep quiet the through this nonsence. I definitely know that once home, I'd be expressing my dissatisfaction with DH of his silence when sitting through this insanity.

And no matter what the therapist said I would not be paying a penny toward any rewards. That money needs to come from DH, after he has paid his share of joint bills and all of his personal bills.

My idea would be to remove everything from his room except a couple of outfits and "pay" him with items that had been taken away. Of course when SS backslides, he pays a "fine' and items get removed again. 

And I'd be clear to SS that if he punches me, or DH in my presence, I'm dialing 911.

That they can not change SK's. So they make it the Bp fault so they change.   therapist Work by the hour, they need the BP to keep coming back so they can be charge. Kid isn't paying.   Some BP actually believe this crap. 

At this point, I am not sure I could have held my tongue

Hey.. so look.  just so you understand, this kid is violent and defiant in the home on a regular basis, In order for anyone to try positive reinforcement, he has to actually make an effort to DO something positive to reinforce.  He does nothing.  And.. I am sorry that BOTH of his parents have failed to parent him, but he is old enough to understand that his current path is not going to serve him well in life.  That his future romantic partners, friends, coworkers and employers are not going to give a crap WHY he acts like a tool... they will just respond to him as the tool that he is behaving like.  I am so sorry that all of us have wasted our time here because you have failed to grasp even the most basic of framing of the problem that brought us all to your office.  This kid is dangerous and he is out of control.  Bribing him to behave decently.. is ridiculous and honestly.. I doubt this kid will have any motivation to change.

Believe me, there IS plenty of blame to go around here.  His mother plays a fine fiddle in here but she has been instrumental in minimizing his father's ability to be a part of his life and has fought every rule and boundary he has tried to set.  His Father has not been assertive enough to advocate for his son's best interests when it might have made a bigger difference.  You saw BOTH of these dynamics in full display here today.  But, what you haven't seen is the violence and outright opposition from any normal behavior from the boy.  Your suggestions might be helpful for a 4 year old.. but we are talking a teen with real ability to harm and has enough mental maturity to understand that.

So.. I tell you what will happen if this kid displays any violence in my home.. I will be calling the police and they can take him to jail or the psych ward.. won't matter much to me.. but I'm not going to continue to coddle him in my home.. period.  he is out of 2nd chances.

AND.. I understand that the audacity of my standing up here and baring the TRUTH for you will result in my being persona non grata to these procedings.. which suits me fine.  I see zero value in having a front row seat to a train wreck.

OP, the single best contribution you could make to this farce would be to speak up in the next therapy session and let ESMOD's words come out of your mouth. Otherwise it's a waste of time and money that gives SS permission to be an even bigger ass.

I especially like laying down the boundary about calling the police should SS act out again. You need to let everyone know that you're not a passive bystander, and then you need to folloe through.

I'm not sure I could stay in a relationship that needed to be lived like this therapist is recommending.  Is DH really going to bow down to SS this way?   

Divorced parents are not family. That ended when divorce was filed. IMHO of course.  Except in the rare event that the Xs are both mature, of character, and can actually coparent. Which is about as rare as balls on a sow, or a boar hog with a uterous.

There is not a snowballs chance in hell I would go to "family therapy" with my cavern crotched skank whore of an XW if I had polluted my gene pool with her. No F'n way.  I would laugh in the face of any therapist that suggested it, immediatly fire them, and find a therapist that clearly understood they they worked for me, what they were required to facilitate, then make sure they nad an armed security guard in their office so shoot my XW if she showed up to a family therapy session with mm, my kid, and my quality bride.

Fortuneately I did not pollute my gene pool with her.  Her next two cheat partners/baby daddies made that mistake.

More importantly, any kid of mine that perpetrated the crap that this kid does would not be able to sit down for therapy. Their ass would catch fire upon contact with anything but air due to the flaming butt cheeks they would live with from their shit behavior choices.  Any time that kid saw a belt, or heard the word belt, they would start quivering.

At some point a fed up classmate will get hold of this kid and absolutely beat him to a snivvling pulp. It can't happen soon enough IMHO.

does not necessarily make a GOOD therapist. I learned this the hard way. I also went to counseling with the BM, her sister and we got the kids in counseling also. The therapist was a loon. We paid out spousal support 3 months early and the witch suggested we start paying the kids school tuition bill. What??? Lady, we are still sending $2K CS every month. I made it through two sessions and then left. Counselor had the audacity to call me and ask why I wasn't returning and I told her why.

From then on, I "interview" therapists before I start with them. It can be done. Sorry you guys got stuck with a bad one.

Teacher to go fuc* yourself is "good on ya for having guts to say that".

dysfunction of this degree doesn't require positive reinforcement but repercussions for bad unacceptable behaviour just like the real world does. 

Teacher to go fuc* yourself is "good on ya for having guts to say that".

dysfunction of this degree doesn't require positive reinforcement but repercussions for bad unacceptable behaviour just like the real world does. 

"DH as Usual just sat there and let BM run the show and only spoke up or pushed back on BM a couple of times"

OK, you're going to have to explain this to me - WTF is the point in going to therapy if you just sit there like a sack of potatoes?!! Why doesn't he actually participate? You know, like he has something to say! All he is doing is giving BM yet another way to put him down and walk all over him! Is he paying for this privilege?  Good grief, how much of a wimp can a guy be?

Just curious. Who picked the therapist? Was it BM? It sounds like this therapist is very inexperienced with this type of situation. You need a wiser therapist. You were smart to say very little. Stepmoms always get demonized, no matter how much they care about the kids.

I know I am really low on the comments list so I hope you read this.

I would say ok, therapist- you got it! We will start by taking EVERYTHING from SS. No phone, TV, fancy clothes or shoes, computer- everything but a mattress on the floor. 

He can get POSITIVE reinforcement by earning those things back. He get's a good grade on a report card, he can have his tv. He can show he is respectful for a month, his phone. Does chores around the house- his clothes and shoes. 

See, positive reinforcement. Now, when he doesn't do these things, they still get taken away and we "start over and reset". It's not a "punishment" it's a time out and reset. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 

PS- Time for a new therapist and make sure this therapist knows that he/she is the reason so many kids are so F'ed up!

I would also suggest going to a behavioral therapist. I was a technician for a few years and while positive reinforcements are amazing tools for helping to shape behaviors, it is not effective in teaching accountability and consequences. I think your therapist missed that day in behavioral modification. Punishments and reinforcements, especially for someone his age, need to go together. It honestly sounds like you need to find a better therapist. Working with children on the spectrum, outbursts of physical violence were extreamly common, when emotions are too big, physical is the only way they know how to express it. That did not mean we did not elicit consequences and model appropriate behavior.