New to this
Hey guys! I'm completely new to this blog and dating a man with a child in general so i would love your help in setting boundaries and sorting my feelings properly.
i met my SO in April 2020 and things really moved fast. We moved in together within 3 months of meeting and i met his 8 year old son around that time. The first time i met his son, he stayed over for a week straight which honestly was a lot for me because i do not have any children. He has his son every other weekend and i quickly realized that i needed a gradual introduction to this aspect of the relationship because i was feeling incredibly overwhelmed during each weekend visit.
my SO is truly an amazing man and his son is very nice. No problems there. But i do feel like we moved in too soon and i was not prepared to be around a child so frequently and in more intimate spaces.
Here is where things get a little more complicated. When we first got together his ex wife friended me on Facebook and would make small talk with me. I thought that was odd, but i didn't think too much of it at the time. When i first met his don, i told my SO to give his ex wife my number. He asked "why" and i explained to him that i thought it would be prudent to give his ex access to me since her child is at my house. He said ok, but never gave her my number. I also suggested that he should arrange a meet up between me and his ex just to encourage harmony. I asked him in august 2020 and to this day we still have not met. My SO left on a deployment for 6 months and my parents suggested that i continue to build a relationship with his son while he was gone. I asked my SO and he said the ex wife and him were both ok with me taking their son to my nephews birthday party in November (i asked about this in June). November comes, and i send his ex a Facebook message (we correspond on Facebook) to check her temperature about having her son around kids in light of the pandemic. She never responds. Instead, my SO calls me to tell me that she doesn't feel comfortable with her son being alone with me. I understand her position, but her son has been coming over to my house for a year and she knows I'm with him by myself at times. But i move on. now since she doesn't feel comfortable, i don't feel comfortable with having the son at the house for extended periods of time. Am i wrong?
here is a little more background. 1). They divorced around 2 years ago. She wanted the divorce, he didn't. 2). He said he would make things work with his ex for the sake of the child. Now he's assured me that he wants to be with me, but that didn't rub me the right way, that coupled with the fact that he moved in with his ex girlfriend within 3 months as well and me thinking we moved too fast in the first place is causing me to want to establish some boundaries within our relationship so i don't feel "uncomfortable" as well. Essentially I'm trying to disengage before engaging again. We are not married. Help me to navigate this situation please
- Ddjones's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm a little confused. You
I'm a little confused. You guys have been living together for 1.5 years and his son comes over on weekends still, right? What do you mean you aren't comfortable having SS (stepson) over for extended periods of time? BM isn't obligated to communicate with you, only to make sure the boy goes to your house for his time with dad, which it sounds like she does.
What are you concerned about that you want to set boundaries on?
Well at times, she'll want
Well at times, she'll want him over for a week or more and i feel that's too long considering where we are in the relationship. I'm thinking maybe he should get his own place and we can move in together if we marry.
Getting his own place makes
Getting his own place makes sense.
You may want to think about your statement of a week being too long. What if something happens to BM and your SO has to take full custody?
It sounds like you don't want children - step or otherwise - full time. Marrying someone with a young child may not work out well.
As long as i'm a girlfriend,
As long as i'm a girlfriend, that's not really something I need to consider.
It would be if you live
It would be if you live together or want to get married someday though. My only point was to think in terms of what could happen down the road - until the son is legally an adult your SO is responsible for him.
But if you're comfortable living apart or just dealing with that situation if and when it happens, then that's certainly your choice.
I would be more comfortable
I would be more comfortable living apart or dealing with that situation if it becomes a reality. I emphasize the fact that I am not a wife today, so I move as a girlfriend should. I do not think I should be operating as a wife in any capactity at this time, so as crappy as this sounds that is not my responsibility right now. If he asks me to get married, that would be certainly something I would consider before agreeing to a marriage, but AS A GIRLFRIEND I do not feel obligated to do wifely things...like take care of a child.
You do realize that even
You do realize that even married, his child is still HIS responsibility, not yours, don't you? You become his wife, not the child's mother.
And that's where I think my
And that's where I think my main question is... What responsibilities would a step mom have over a girlfriend?
None, actually. In neither
None, actually. In neither case do you have any say over the child. You have no legal claim to them. You don't become their parent when you marry the father.
"Has he done the work?"
Welcome to Steptalk! This site will help you. One thing people ask is, "Has he done the work?" What they mean is: is he legally divorced? Does he have a custody order and is he following it? Is he paying his child support on time? Does he have a place the child feels comfortable coming to and the appropriate bedding, refrigerator, dishes, etc? Does he have a workable relationship with BM? Does she act like a sane person or is she unreasonable? Is he handling the child's hygiene, bedtime, food and behavior issues? Does he actually parent the child or does guilt cause him to be a Disney Dad? It is difficult for a woman to come into a relationship involving children if dad hasnt " done the work", especially if the woman has no kids.
I am getting the impression that he has moved quickly, both with exGF and you, to provide a "mom" perhaps for childcare purpises. That doesnt mean he doesnt love you but your instincts are talking to you. I'd give it all a lot of thought. Read around on this site. There's a section in the Forums for step-parents who are childless. Good luck and listen to your gut, it's never wrong.
Thank you! They are legally
Thank you! They are legally divorced and do have a custody order, but it's loosely followed because he goes on deployment. As far as the other questions, I really cannot answer because I'm not involved like that. From what I've observed he is a good dad and his relationship with his ex seems to have minimal drama.
While I do not think he moved quickly to have child care (because I do not take care of the child), I do think he moved in to have a place to stay and I think that's part of the reason why i'm having some apprehension in accepting everything all at once. I want us to phase things in...
Run. If you want children of
Run. If you want children of your own some day.
Run. If you do not want to have children some day.
Love is not enough. If his bm is crazy (she is), then your life will suck and always have "conditions". You will have to plan around her mood. Seriously, do want that? Resentment kills love, and you will resent your bf and probably his kid too. Love is just simply not enough.
Welcome... I'm pro
Welcome... I'm pro disengagement and letting the bio parents parent. The only time I'm concerned is when it affects my time and our household budget.
I was also childless when I met my so, I found this haven and stopped doing. I'm my husband's partner, not a mom in any capacity. I only do things I want to do. I also never told my husband I didn't want to do things, I just never did them or stopped doing them.
I'm also the opposite of you. I never wanted to be her friend, I actually blocked her on all social media as soon as I found out her name. I've probably spoken to her 3 times in a decade and it was against my will. She has never and will never have my phone number. She was crazy AF and pulled some stunts in the beginning. I removed myself so she couldn't target me in any way.
I don't think there is any specific handbook on how to be a stepparent. I hope you find some things that help you deal with your situation from reading on here.
Read the book Stepmonster.
Read the book Stepmonster. Also, IMO moving you in at the same time he introduced you to his son is WAY TOO FAST, a huge red flag and a turnoff. Imagine if a Mother did the same. "Hey kid, this is my new man, he lives here now. Why don't you just go ahead tell each other your names?" RUN
I agree. We moved in way too
I agree. We moved in way too fast so now i'm trying to do some damage control lol
Please stop trying to be his
Please stop trying to be his ex's friend. You do not need to be and she doesn't want you to be. Everything to do with the child is between your bf and her and she may be feeling that you are overstepping. Step back and pretend she doesn't exist.
Why does she get to decide when the kid comes over and for how long? What does the CO say? Where was your bf living before he moved in with you?
This!
You have a strictly arms-length relationship with the ex. No need to be her friend for 'harmony' as that will backfire.
Your SO deployed and his kid is still with you on weekends? Or was it just your nephews party? Honestly this all went too fast. If SO is deployed then no need for you to take his kid anywhere - the boy should be with BM not you.
I agree with you - he should move out and slow things way down.
Oh, I do not want to be her
Oh, I do not want to be her friend at all. I grew up in a blended family though, so I did see my mom and my dad's ex being amicable and harmonious. They were not friends though. I guess that's what I was attempting to do, but that's really not my ship to drive. As my dad set the tone in that relationship, I do expect my SO to do the same. And my BF was living with family before we moved in together....another red flag lol
i felt like she overstepped
i felt like she overstepped by facebook requesting me LOL. She moves funny
Red flags all over this!
Red flags all over this! Moving in so fast is like a car crash. Trying to be friends with BM? Why? Your parents telling you to "build" a relationship with skid while So is deployed. So overstepping. Are you young by chance? Please think hard about whether you want your life dictated by everyone around you instead of yourself.
I'm 35 so I'm not young lol.
I'm 35 so I'm not young lol. I asked my parents because they provided me with a 2 parent home and are still 40 years in. My mom met my dad when he had 6 kids so I sought her advice. In retrospect, I shouldn't have done all of that because it was forced. I would rather not really be involved with the child or bm in any capacity at this time. I feel like the relationship needs to build first.
Agree! A lot of overstepping.
Agree! A lot of overstepping. Way too much, way too fast. Stay in your lane.
I'm trying to determine what
I'm trying to determine what my lane is lol. Can I disengage SS and BM altogether until I'm ready?
Your in the GF lane. Not the
You're in the GF lane. Not the mom, not the wife, not the babysitter. Things should be fun and light right now don't burden yourself. Don't take on responsibility for your SO that's a slippery slope. She doesn't ever have to meet you, she doesn't need your number, the only person she should communicate with is SO. You need your space? Nothing wrong with that, now that he is going on deployment it is the perfect time to disengage from it all. Make the rules now before it's too late. I don't think you should ever fully engage because a lot of SM's end up being taken advantage of.
Thank you. Your response
Thank you. Your response helps to sharpen my perspective more. I agree, things should be fun and light right now. I'm disengaging completely until I'm ready.
?ing urself is ur answer
Falling in love is easy!!!! Getting out of love is hard n if u wait to long it can be harder n harder as each year goes by. It is hard after u build ur love n life together.