At best I think you evolve and begin to see things from a different perspective. You make an adjustment within yourself to accept that certain things won't ever change, but at the same time create an environment for yourself that will give you peace of mind irrespective of how things turn out. 

I'm in my 8th year with a now 18(boy) and 24(girl) with no kids of my own. I've learnt so much on this forum, that's helped me make the necessary adjustments in perspective.

So for me, while the circumstances have remained largely unchanged, I've adjusted my expectations significantly and learnt to be at peace. 

This would be a hard dynamic to deal with. Most of us get some kind of break. Every other weekend visiting the other parent, long school holiday breaks, etc. Not having an end in sight would be overwhelming. 

My bios are very attached to me. I divorced their dad when they were 2/4. Many years it was just us, even when married to their dad (he was highly deployable in the Air Force). As they have gotten older, there is less attachment, like it should be. However, I make sure they are in sports, had friends, hosted parties, etc.

Now at 14/16 I go days without seeing them. They are with friends and having a great time with their teenage years, like they should be. They are well adjusted kids that have relationships outside of their parents- like they should. 

I am not sure how involved in the outside world he is, but he is young enough to try everything. Sign him up for sports, clubs, camps. Whatever to get him out of the house and the umbilical cord cut. That is the only way to have him move into the real world as a young adult.

Also- make sure you are getting a babysitter and having time alone with your wife. Take trips together, just the 2 of you. Make your relationship the primary relationship in the house. If you don't there won't be anything left when he is an adult. 

Honestly, I don't think it gets any easier, just different. I've been a stepmother for 11 years. Ss15 doesn't even remember a time without me in his life. He respects me like his mom and even better than his BM but there are things that he has learned from the other house such as lying and manipulation that my own kids have been taught are wrong. As a teenager the challenges are what is he doing when I am not there, and I actually think it's harder now than it was before. 

I am an engaged step parent but you don't have to be. You can limit your responsibilities so that you are still enjoying the life you choose. 

Does it get easier?  It really depends... I mean, yes... theoretically, the boy will grow up.. mature in many ways... eventually becoming a teen that is more likely to have some life outside your home.  But, does that really mean you will come to ENJOY having a full time child in the home? maybe not.

I mean, by profession, you are around kids all day and while you may enjoy that to an extent, you sound like you also value your own privacy, calm and respite in your own home.  Right now, you aren't getting that because your partner has a child.  

I have to observe here that a decent part of  your problem IS your partner.  Because, she absolutely should not have sent you out for that pizza.. in fact in that situation, I might have told her that you would be happy to watch the curry on the stove and she was welcome to pop out to pick it up because you had a long day and were not going to go back out.  

You also should be free to make your favorite dishes.. and you should not be obligated to make special meals for her son.  She should ensure that there are acceptable alternatives for her child.. or she can encourage him to expand his food choices and try new things.  And she should be the one prepping those alternate meals for him!

And.. at some point you may need to more fully go over what you see as your role in his life.  That you are her partner, but not his parent.  You do things to help her which may involve caring for him... and you do care ABOUT him, but not as your child.. but as the child of your partner.  That you would not intend to step in as his parent if she were to no longer be here.. and that if she has any concerns about what might happen to him, she should ensure that there are plans in place.  Explaining that you sometimes need your own respite from kids since you work with them all day.. and she should be more understanding that sometimes giving you that space and peace is how she can support you.

In the end.. if you and she have completely different perspectives on how the dynamics are with the child.. it may be difficult to have a long term, fulfilling relationship with this huge divide in expectations.

From everything I'm reading you have a partner problem not a skid problem.

I can't believe she wanted you to give up your religious practice.  I don't have a religious bone in my body but I would never want to deny some else their faith.

Plus asking you to go back out for pizza...

Not very considerate.

One other thing, did you date before you got serious?  If your partner could make time for dating earlier in the relationship, she should be able to make time for you now too.

It almost sounds like you pitied her because she was a single mom so you just opted to stay with her...why?  You don't really like kids, or like this kid, you don't get the qaulity time alone with her that you would value, and she has the expectation that at some point your will change your mind and want to be a parent to her son.  It would appear both of your are in denial of what the other one is telling each other.  That doesn't make for a healthy relationship dynamic.  

It won't get better if your SO still wants you to be the second parent, and if she doesn't improve her own parenting. Will he grow up? Yes, but unparented, he will become just larger and more unruly and more difficult to deal with. Unparented kids don't do well in school, and they don't leave home when you think they should. They become demanding and entitled. 

Your SO wants you to be an equal parent to her, which doesn't sound realistic. 

Agree with all of the other good advice above.

Also, can you start saying, "No" nicely and politely and stick to it?

The pizza request should have been a non-negotiable no answer from you. You have a reason and there's other food in the house. YOU do not need to cater to picky eaters. I had TWO picky eaters, one on a disorder scale and it was a nightmare. I eventually learned to say no, not buy special things and let my DH deal with it becuae the PARENTS weren't doing anything about it.

Your SO will not like it but she's got to feel the ramifications too since she's partly using you to opt herself out no? I remember one morning where I had enough of re-arranging MY schedule and life to accomodate DH and the SDs. OSD had to go to a birthday party that day and YSD refused to get out of bed so they could all get going, get a gift and drop off OSD on time. YSD was having a meltdown about getting up (she was 9) and OSD was having a meltdown about not leaving. Screaming crying drama all around. DH was struggling up the stairs with YSD, OSD right behind. I was in the entryway with my keys/bag leaving to get my oil changed and run errands - all planned well in advance. DH asked me for help - I remained calm and said, "No, I have had this appointment booked for over a month and I'm not cancelling. Have a good day." And I left.

He never asked me for help with them again in this type of situation.

It took me a full year to adjust to living with SD and boy was that a stressful year.

It sounds like you and your partner need to sit down and discuss your expectations. Your partner likes having you to help parent but that's not your job. I wasn't really engaged as a SP and considered myself dad's GF rather than another parent. Some things I did enjoy doing with SD but I also liked knowing that I could step back at any time because she really wasn't my responsibility.  BF didn't like this dynamic which was one of many factors that led to the demise of our relationship.

So yes, discuss roles and boundaries with your partner, express what you need from her and vice versa, and then think about if you realistically can live like that. 

Good luck and please keep us updated!

My situation is a bit different in that I do get a break (we're on a week on/week off schedule with SS10). And my DH prioritizes adult time.

But I, too, struggle with things. SS is annoying. He's sneaky. He's emotionally immature. And DH is the type to just let things go because he doesn't want to deal with it.

I've also had to struggle with expectations because DH clearly was hoping to have a parenting partner and I refuse to do that. Like you, I love kids. I have a lot in my family. But I never really felt the need to have any of my own. Also, SS has a mother. Acting too maternal could open up all kinds of cans of worms.

Sounds to me like you and your SO need to have done frank discussions about roles and expectations. And about carving out adult time.

I would also recommend you read up on boundaries. You don't have to discuss them with SO, but if you set out for yourself what you will do or tolerate and then hold to it (firmly but with compassion), it can make a big difference.

We went for a walk after dinner and I tried to raise the issue of us not having any 'us' time. I said we could go for lunch on Saturday, or like a walk without him etc. She turned it back on me. Threw my sunday religion time in, then said i don't make an effort to engage with her and it's a package thing, her and her son. If I wasn't happy, I can go and find someone else.

This is total BS and you know it. You can't even go for A WALK without her kid? OMG. And threw your religious practice at you? That's unfair and wrong. I don't know if someone like her will change. I would start lining up my ducks to leave...

Hey, Boo,

My beloved sister was a Buddhist, a religion whose ‘Four Noble Truths’ brought her great comfort during her prolonged death from cancer. Your partner’s disrespect for your beliefs is both insensitive and unjust. Hon, having been around the block a few times (3 husbands), I’m alert to a lop-sided relationship. Your partner is using you; the inequalities in your relationship are already causing you resentment and pain. 

You are probably the same age as my granddaughter so here’s grannyd’s advice:

Time to move on. You will never be on a level playing field with your partner’s child. You will continue to suffer a loss of self-esteem, inviting depression and heartache into your daily life. 

Just sighed a huge, grannyd sigh, realizing that all of the elder advice in the world will not prevent someone from jumping into the fire. Still hoping! 

When I went to counseling back in the day, my wise counselor stressed the importance of one-on-one time with DH daily.  I responded with tales about 5 high-maintenance kids, keeping the house, cooking and laundry going with such a big family, DH's demanding job with long hours, etc etc.  He said, " JRI, I don't care if its just a walk down the street each day".  He was right, it helped turn around a deteriorating marriage.  If we can do it with 5, it can be done with one.

I would consider this to be a non-negotiable issue.

It takes a lot of self sacrifice to raise a child. People need a reason to be ok with sacrificing that much of themselves. For bio parents the love and connection with their children is often enough motivation to make those sacrifices. For steps, we often find our motivation in our love for our partner at least in the early years. In time a fortunate few of us may develop a close relationship with the step kids and be willing to make sacrifices for them directly. But for most we do it for our relationship. If your relationship is truly satisfying it's easier to make sacrifices for the child. If the child is hard for us to handle and the partner is not meeting our needs it leaves little emotional energy to sustain our giving of ourselves.

You don't feel the joy because he's not your child. Maybe if you raised him from a baby you would feel more "parently", but you didn't, and your SO isn't raising him right (based on the info i've seen), so his behavior isn't something you can easily tolerate. When you raise your own kids from birth, you unconsciously or consciously get rid of behaviors you can't tolerate (unless you're the type to pawn them off all the time.) Your SO really needs to find some child care or babysitters so you guys can have some alone time. Assuming she wants alone time with you and doesn't want you to BE the babysitter. If that turns out to be the case, run!