I am desperate for advice!!
I have been with my new partner for 3 years after having been in a marriage previously for 22 years. I have two daughters 18 and 22, he has a son 19 and daughter 13. We moved in together to start a new life in a new state with his son and my daughter. I wish I had of known what I was in for, they both hated each other and have come from totally different environments. We have survived the constant fights and tears. His son has just left home and in the meantime his 13 year old troublesome daughter is living with us, having lived with her mother the last 7 years in another state.
The daughter was too much trouble for her mother and pleaded for him to try and sort her out by having her start a new school and move in with us for six months. Well apparently she may be living with us permanently. I am 7 years older than my partner, I cannot stand his disrespectful, foul mouth daughter. My partner has been wonderful to my two girls (who respect adults and have manners) and I feel so terrible that I feel this way. I absolutely love him but I cannot live with his kid who has just turned 13 going on 25 and so hard to like. I have always loved all kids but this girl is evil. I don't want to go through hell for the next 5 years, my girls have moved on.
I am at the stage I have done my years with kids and teenagers and when we met there was never any indication that she would end up living with us.
I feel so dam torn, but I don't believe I can live with his daughter for the next few years. Is it wrong to be selfish? But I have had enough!
Look forward to your comments.
- Joanne66's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I've been counting down the
I've been counting down the years since my DH's twin daughters were 12. When they were 12 I was saying "only 5 more years". Now they are 17 and I'm saying "only 1 more year", time is going by soooooooooo slooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww. Looking back now I wish I would have seen the light 5 years ago and skipped out.
Talk to your partner about how you feel. You should tell him how having his daughter live with you two may not be the best option. Do you think he would be mad if you talked to him about it?
I have tried to talk to him,
I have tried to talk to him, but he is saying I am being so selfish. That he has been there for my two girls and let my youngest live with us for two years and in saying that he loves his daughter so much (she has him wrapped around her little finger).
I feel crap about it all, but I know I just can't deal with this kid and she will end up splitting us up and we have a great relationship. This child has never had boundaries, doesn't respect me or anyone, swears
Do you really regret staying in the relationship? What changed for you?
Ripley, I have said the exact
Ripley, I have said the exact same thing to her daddy. The future for her is bleak, I worry to have no boundaries, to not understand acceptable behaviours leads to a poor future. Unfortunately she bats her eyelids at 'daddy' and he melts. Grrrrr.
Yes, honestly I regret
Yes, honestly I regret wasting my life here. I often think about leaving. Like one of the posters suggested, it won't end even after the age of 18. The only thing that gives me hope is that at 18 I can say "well she's 18, she doesn't NEED to live with us. She can get her own place." But even that may not work.
I love my DH to death but I can't stand his daughters. When he takes their side, I feel like he's taking the side of BM since they are so much like her. And to be honest, it's getting old. I hate fighting about it now. Its pointless. I would say that you are early enough in the relationship to get out. I wouldn't make any more obligation to him than you already have. Don't buy a home. Don't get married until you know what YOU want and what YOU can handle.
Thank you Luckymomme, great
Thank you Luckymomme, great advice, you are so right.
Hi there, this is my husband
Hi there, this is my husband almost exact! What can I do here?
Most of these things describe
Most of these things describe my daughter in law. She has a 8 yr old son and she and my son have a 2 year old.
I swear this child bounces off the wall, is not able to do anything with help, whines and cries all the time about little things and I know it is only to get his way. When my son is at work she lets him sleep in the bed with her.
I need to get my son on this website so maybe he can get insight other than mine.
Goes to show that it is not always the dads that do this.
And I noticed some PASing yesterday on her part toward the son's father. The father had lied to the son and she made an effort to point it out to the child. I think it should have been handled differently.
Wow, thankyou everyone for
Wow, thankyou everyone for your comments. I was starting to doubt myself, thinking that I may of been selfish as he has been wonderful to my daughters. Funnily enough last night I overheard his daughter talking to 'mummy' on the phone saying that my daughter and I have looked at her facebook and she has no privacy and that my daughter (18) is allowed to do what she wants. Hmmmm, I knocked on her door and opened it and got told to "F*$k Off". This kid believes that she can do what an 18 year old can do and 'oh my god', what 13 year old says that to an adult. I lost it at her father and basically said 'why she is under our roof, I will not put up with that'. It was ugly, I got my girls thrown back in my face and that I apparently 'pick on his daughter'. My daughter monitors her facebook as she was sending naked pictures of herself to a 19 year old boy. Yep this is trouble big time, just turned 13!!!!!
This morning she is very humble, hasn't said a word and hasn't really been reprimanded. I may be old school but if my daughters had said that to my partner or an adult they would get a slap across the face and grounded for a year.
Apparently she is returning to her mother at the end of the year.....can I survive, I don't think so!
Oooooh - I hear you. My dd's
Oooooh - I hear you.
My dd's would get holy hell if they behaved the way your SD (and my SD13) does.
And THAT my dear is the difference.
THAT is why your dd's and mine would never be so disrespectful to our OH's and why our OH's have been able to live with our DD's in the house and not "cause all these problems" that we do about their precious ones.
Ask your OH next time WHEN was the last time YOUR daughter told him to F*ck off? Can he recall her ever treating him that way? All the things his daughter does that he KNOWS about - point out that your DD never behaved that way - because you PARENTED her at the first signs - no your dd isn't perfect (nor are mine) but you parented, *I* parent.
I had this convo last Weds night with my OH (yet again, variations on a theme around here) And he tells me all the time how MINE aren't perfect, I said "no, they aren't, but if MY dd had told sd to "F. off she hated her" what would have happened? If MY dd had stolen from anyone in this house WHAT would have happened? If MY dd told your daughter that "you were a whore and the reason her parents marriage broke up" what would have happened - words to that effect anyway.
He acknowledges that mine do not do and say those things because they would be in trouble if they did. The first signs of disrespect from my dd's to him and they get told to be respectful, ignoring people is rude and they know better etc.
So, all I can say when he throws this stuff at you is to ask him "WHEN your dd ever did these things, and if she did how did you handle it?" (chances are, like me you DID handle it when it was small fry stuff and that is why it never escalated to swearing at adults and sending nudie pics.)
Hi Luchay, Thank you, so
Hi Luchay,
Thank you, so true. The trouble I have is she has told her father to 'f*&k off' several times. He tends to ignore it. This kids parents may be well educated, wonderful people, but they should never of had children. I was told by the mother/father to ignore her, it's typical teenage stuff, she is JUST 13. I can't get through to my partner this is why she is out of control. This child tells teachers the same thing.
As a parent you are meant to discipline, make them aware what is acceptable and what is not. Grrrr I get so frustrated.
PS: What is OH and DD's, I am new to this site? I understand SD - Step daughter.
OH = Other half - also known
OH = Other half - also known as DH - the choices for that one depend on how annoyed with him you are
DD = Dear Daughter - denotes your OWN child.... as in the well mannered, better behaved ones in the house
(generally.... no they aren't perfect - what they are is parented)
Get him into counselling is all I can suggest. How old was your DD when you all moved in together? Ask him if he remembers her EVER behaving this way? It is NOT normal 13yo behaviour, it is the behaviour of unparented little brats.
I have 4 dd's - 24, 21, 11 and 8. We had some hairy moments with dd24, but on the whole they both grew into well mannered, polite, productive young ladies. My younger two are also on the whole good kids. Because at the first sign of issues we talk, we hand out consequences and we tell them what is unacceptable in our homes (myself and their father/SM.... even OH is getting on board with telling my girls when they need telling, dd8 can be a cheeky monkey and is pushing the boundaries a bit - can't blame her when she see's the skids get away with crap - but I have told him that in my absence if she does something that I would not approve of he IS to tell her to stop / whatever)
We have started counselling - I came *this close* to leaving him at the end of January because of issues with his two. He begged me to stay and I gave him my list of what needs fixing. Counselling to learn to deal with his kids is one of the things. He actually called my sd13 out on her stealing and lying the other week. First time EVER. It was a Kodak moment for me.... that sounds flip and trust me I am not. but you have to be able to do that sometimes....
Meh, it's hard. Made harder when they can't see what they are creating. Made harder when they are too scared to parent. I told my OH that for his kids sake he needs to step up as he is failing them parenting the way he does.
And I have just re-read
And I have just re-read that.
she has told her father to 'f*&k off' several times. He tends to ignore it. This kids parents may be well educated, wonderful people, but they should never of had children. I was told by the mother/father to ignore her, it's typical teenage stuff, she is JUST 13 ..... This child tells teachers the same thing.
OMG - seriously? In what universe is it normal for a 13yo to speak that way to an adult? To a parent/authority figure/teacher???
Take him to the teachers she has said it to and ask them in front of him HOW many kids as a matter of course speak to them that way? Or perhaps not.... God only knows these days.....