It will only get better if your husband gets his priorities straight and sets some boundaries with his ex and his kids. Otherwise, no, it will not ever get better. In fact, it will get worse as you get less and less tolerant of it.

I went back and read your previous blogs and I would have head for the hills after your SS had possession of your underwear. I could not and would not live in the same dwelling as him after that. 

Your DH's side of the family (his kid and ex) bring way too much drama and chaos and your DH hasn't figured out how to shield you from it. He also is not totally available to you whether it is intentional or not. Your DH has his ex and kid and they will never go away. They will cause havoc forever. It is possible that your DH is one of those men who likes chaos so that he can feel like a man because he rescues or tries to give the impression that he does. 

Don't make the mistake of counting down until PB (Panty Boy from a comment on your previous blog) turns 18. 18 is definitely not the magic number that a kid launches, especially when they are so backward and behind their peers. PB has a ton of issues and he would need intensive therapy for a long time to be able to launch. Your DH needs therapy to figure out how to parent a soon to be young adult who has a host of issues. What he's currently doing is obviously failing. Rushing to the rescue to jump to BM's or SS' demands fixes nothing. They become enabled to stay helpless and chaotic. Your DH has some deep issue that plays a part in the whole drama circle and you are collateral damage. Unless your DH really wants to fix it, he will not get the help he needs or do the work he needs to change.

Don't do what I did. I held out for decades waiting for my DH to heal his issue that caused him to be the way he was with my SD31 the mini-wife on steriods. It's all great to understand what's going on with another person so that we don't think that the dynamic is due to us being inherently flawed, but the fact remains that our DHs are still doing what they do. We may have wanted our husbands to heal so that they can love us without abandon, but that's what WE want. It may not be what they want, so they will fight tooth and nail to knock any sign of healing back into status quo. Also, don't hold out hope that if your DH finally truly sees his kid for who and what he really is, there would be no how, no way that your DH can't not do something about it. I found out the hard way that that's not the case. The day that my SD finally committed a heinous act, I thought to myself, "oh, now she's really done it! There's no how no way DH can't not do something about it." Well, I was so wrong. Rather than address it, DH went into a two-year prolonged despression. Fun times! SD was an adult too. 

So, to make a long story short, no it does not get better. From the sounds of your SS, I would high-tail it out of there before he escalates his pervy behaviiour. I can't say what my former career was, but I can tell you that pervs escalate. Get out of there before you either hear of, witness or become the victim of your SS' next escalation. 

What did your DH do to support you in Panty-Gate? Did he apologize to you? Did he put anything in place to protect you? Did he speak to it with you honestly? I didn't get a sense in your previous blogs that your DH did very much for YOU. 

That whole shit-show isn't worth it. Run fast and run far. Love is not enough.

You are not a bad person. 

I am not sure of your age but here it goes, ok?

If you were my adult daughter I would give you permission to give YOURSELF permission to end this. 

Does it get  better you ask? Well,

Life can be very different when all parents involved agree on major issues. In your case your bm applied the breaks to the mental health of your ss. THAT is very difficult to over come on many levels.

Based on everything you wrote about from the underwear issue to manipulative behavior---I would be AS concerned as you are.  Kids can be manipulative, heck so are adults--but something more appears to be going on. 

To be frank, I believe your gut is trying to send you a valid message. Time to pack UP, tell dh it is YOU not him. Keep the divorce simple, leave with what you came with. No fighting over anything and ...no hard feelings and MOVE ON.

Please dont be so hard on yourself.

Life is so short--go, be happy. You should wake UP feeling more joy in your life than what you do now. I am so sorry. But you can change that.

JMO

Well - it CAN get better, but it doesn't sound like it will, from what you've said. My DH was good with boundaries with BM and SS, so now SS is 21, he's off the Child Support tit (finally) and we are done with BM.  We don't see SS very often for a variety of reasons, but the biggest one being that he's a big disappointment to DH, so he doesn't care to have him around much. He doesn't baby him, or make excuses for him, or give him money - he sees his son for what and who he is.  So he keeps him at arm's length, BM is completely irrelevant, and we are able to live our lives as we please.

Your DH sounds like a nice guy. You said in your first post that he "wants to make everyone happy".  If he pays 5K in Child Support, he's obviously wealthy, and generous, too, maybe.  But he's got a really messed up kid and a crazy ex, and unless he learns how to manage them better, these issues are never going to end.  Read on here for how much a messed-up adult skid with no boundaries on them can wreak havoc on your life.

If you accept nothing less, then it will get better.

One way or the other.

It doesn't get better unless DH makes it so.

If I can just share with you some of my experiences dealing with a HCBM  and two SS (both with mental problems)

It honestly did not get better until BM found her forever chump about 3-4 years ago that she focuses all her attention on. Mind you this woman harassed me on all SM. added MY family as friends. Would text /call me that DH was cheating on me. Kept trying to seduce DH and throwing kids off on us (she tried to at least) The most recent issues we've had was her demanding money during the beginning of the shutdowns (sometime in March-april of last year) because she was forloughed, she demanded money from BOTH me and DH. Fat chance. After her tantrums last year things have been peaceful but it's dependent on her happiness. Isn't that sad? Do you want your life to revolve around if your DH baggage is happy or not? Don't invest 10+ waiting for SS to get better or BM or DH to put you first.

Now DH would visit his kids outside of the home after we had a huge blow up with them coming here when he had them. If I to still have them come over I don't think we would still be together. In your instance you have a sexual deviant roaming your house. You have to lock up your room and have video cameras. Ask yourself, if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a crazy ex and crazy kids would you put DH through that?

You're a good woman, more than what DH deserves. You can cut your loses and find someone that will put you first, someone you can feel safe with, start a family with. Please release yourself from this toxic marriage.

Things got better for me but that's because i'm 76 and the 3 SKs and my 2 bios are all out on their own.   We had lying, thieving, manipulative SD59 ping-ponging back and forth til 4 years ago when I said never again or I'd leave him.

I stayed during some grim years because I weighed the alternatives (SAHM in a nice home in an excellent school district vs. being a working mom raising 2 kids in an apartment in a mediocre school district).  Thats when I went back to school so if it got too much worse, Id be able to get a better  job.

Things were tolerable enough, especially when I went back to work which helped immensely.  So, here we are at 76 and 84.  I always liked being with him and he's a good man. We have fun and life is good.  But, I dont know if Id put myself through it again.

In your situation, it's a big plus that your DH took your concerns seriously.   Only you know if being with him is important enough to you to put up with it all.  For sure, the problems dont go away when kids hit 18, you can take it from me.

Good luck!

I would suggest living apart together. Living in this situation is completely destroying you.

You are not ready to walk away from your relationship with DH but can't deal with SS or BM anymore. The only way to accomplish removing yourself from this situation is to live away from them.

You can still continue your relationship with DH and you can have your boundaries. You may in time have a better, stronger relationship with SO because of it or you may decide to move on. 

But you will be gaining what is most important your peace from the drama. It was never your burden to take in in the first place and your DH has shown he is unable to protect you from it. So you have no choice but to protect yourself.

My DH and I have been married for 25 years. When we married, his daughter was 4 (he was not married to BM). BM had full custody and we saw SD a few times a year. There was parent alienation involved. Then when she was 14, SD started to get in A LOT of trouble, so BM shipped her to live with us. We wanted to try to help her. We started her in counseling. DH and I have two sons together and they were very small at the time - 18 months and 4 years old. SD was into drugs, alcohol, had boys over when we weren't there, stole our truck, and was suspended from school. She threatened to kill me and DH by smothering us with our pillows while we were sleeping. At that point, I started locking myself and the boys in my bedroom at night. I was miserable and scared. We (really it was me) found a residential program for troubled teens and she stayed there for 6 months and completed the program. I put my foot down and said that she could not come to live with us again because I was traumatized and feared for my family's safety. She went back to live with BM and went back to all her former habits. For the last 12 years, she has been in and out of jail and spent time in prison. She's an addict. We hear from her when she needs money and occasionally she seems to do better for a short period of time. I am completely disengaged and that has been the key to my sanity. I have focused on raising my sons and they are successful young men (16 and 19 years old) - I've been very lucky in that regard.

DH and I would have never stayed married if SD had continued to be around with those behaviors; he has supported and respected my disengagement. Unfortunately, I also have toxic in-laws who are emeshed with SD and have not been a part of our lives. But on the other hand, it's been a blessing that I have not had to worry about their bad influence on the boys. 

These are hard decisions to make to end a marriage or to try to make it work. 

Does it get better? It did for me. But it took a LONG time. I would leave on weekends when the Skids were over - I would make plans with my friends and just go. I would come back at night when it was time to go to bed. I disengaged in a major way and DH noticed. I set my boundaries once I couldn't take it anymore. DH and I have been together over 20 years, I think the first 14 years were hell. Like your DH my DH is a kind, giving and hard working man. His kids were shitty. The product of a BM that was hell bent on making DH's life as miserable as she could make it for as long as he allowed it. The Panty Boy episode would have really made me lose my shit. If you can get thru that, you can get thru anything sister. You will know when you reach your limit and when you do, you will know what to do.

It totally depends on where you are and what you want for your life.

Panty Boy needs help, obviously, and hes manipulating to not get it. He will escalate that behavior. Sometimes its not the kids its the parents...and yet in this its BOTH.

Time to really consider if this is what you want for your life.

I can completely relate to waking up in the morning and thinking, oh crap, this is what my life has come to. That's how I felt every single day I was living with my ex and exss5. I was miserable, resentful and uncomfortable all the time living there. I never felt at home or relaxed or even content. 

In terms of if things will get better, they do for some but considering your ss has some very serious issues I wouldn't bank on that. I would actually wager it will get worse once your resentments start to grow and your tolerance level plumits. The only relationships that work between a parent and a non parent are when the non parent actually wants to be a stepparent and wants to be involved and really loves their partners kids. Without that tie, everything breaks loose. 

When I was having a hard time back when I was with my ex, I would ask my friends with kids if it was going to get better. They said, what you see if what you get. There's nothing more there and nothing less. I didn't want to listen to that because I was holding out hope that it would get better but it didn't. It kept getting so much worse. 

Like you, I was with a wonderful man. He was kind and caring and so loving. But our love wasn't enough...I guess it was all we had looking back on it. Even now that I'm moved out and on my own again, I miss him but I will never go back to that hell and I don't doubt my decision one bit even when I do get lonely. I was so very unhappy and it sounds like you are too. 

If you do leave, which I think you should, you'll feel better. You'll wake up in the morning with some peace and hope for the day. You don't have to live like this. 

(((hugs)))