Hey All! Haven't blogged in awhile because I've been.. well... happy! LOL. I was elated to send SD back to college after her 4 weeks here from Christmas through mid-January. I know most of you can relate- I'm a different person without her here. I'm SO much happier. But the awful thing is... even without her here I'm constantly thinking about her!!! It's because I'm completely dreading having her back here in the Summer now that I've had an extended taste of life without her. But I waste my time and energy thinking about how different it will be and how unhappy I will be again when she comes back. I think of past scenarios of things that made me angry or even invent up scenarios that I THINK could happen to make me angry and it's exhausting. I hate feeling this way and I do actively try to stop myself from doing it.

Well.. it must be self-fulfilling prophecy! It started Friday night. DH and I we're having a good time for ourselves! Had a few drinks and just being silly. SD calls DH at friggin 9:30 with a question about health insurance!!?? Well apparently he wasn't able to speak very well and so she got all "concerned". It's like we're ADULTS at HOME having a few drinks on a Friday night! Leave us alone!!! I was totally annoyed. Then she calls on Saturday and I can hear her because I'm sitting next to him and says she's "just checking on him". Ok mini-wife, calm down. But none of this is remotely the worst part.

She announces that she's coming home this coming weekend because " she needs a break". Well that's just f'ing perfect. We are leaving for vacation next week and the last thing on earth I needed was for the person I dislike more than anyone else in the world to be here right before that to stir all my $hit up and stress me out. The only good part is she is supposedly staying at her Mom's and just coming to visit DH. Oh and I just love how she announces that she is coming home to hang out with him!? Like WTF? What makes you think that's what either of us wanted? Now you're just deciding our life for us. I understand that she misses her Dad and everything but I just don't appreciate being told what the plan is going to be. My plan was to spend time getting ready for our trip! Now my plan will be to make myself as scarce as possible

So of course I end up having a blow out with DH last night because I was bottling my feelings in. Part of the reason I'm so upset is this trip is a redo from 2 years ago. We went on this same trip with friends (who we are going with again) and I was not in a good place mentally. DH and I had been fighting constantly mainly over SD and at the time BM. So let's just say the last night there ended with the worst fight we ever had in public and me almost in handcuffs. It's a time I'd like to forget. DH and I have come a LONG way since then and have had several wonderful trips together even last year during covid. BUT- I'm nervous about this particular trip and I do NOT want history to repeat itself. So pretty much the worst thing that could happen right before it is SD being here. That's like a loaded gun for me.

I expressed to DH how unhappy I was with the timing of this and didn't like that it was being decided for us. He tells me I make him feel horrible because I hate his daughter. I tell him I feel horrible because I don't want to hate her but sadly the damage has been done and I just can't help how I feel- I'm an anxious, moody, nervous wreck when she's here. I will just have to avoid her the best I can and give him his time with her as I think it's just the best way to avoid any further conflict before our trip?

On another note I think I'm really down and feeling more resentful that normal because I miss my family. My entire family lives 1400 miles away from me. The family I still had here all moved right before the holidays. DH and I did go visit last month and are actually planning to build OUR future home there later this year. We won't be able to move fulltime for about 5 more years but we do plan to spend our Winter's there. That makes me happy but I feel like since we made this decision I'm like 1 foot out the door already. SD will NEVER live there. She hates the hot weather and prefers more of the city life. PERFECT. But I guess it's like I feel sad because I just want us to be there now. I want to be near my Mom and Dad. I miss out on everything and knowing everyone else is down there together just makes it hard.

So yeah... just not off to a great start this week. Plus you know no matter what I try and tell myself I'll spend all week dreading her arrival to the point of making myself completely sick! I can't wait to get the hell out of here for good and then she can visit once a year! Now there's a happy thought!