Going to be a long Summer with SD here
It's been 4 weeks and 2 days since SD19 arrived home on her broomstick from college. Those months with her gone were some of the happiest and most peaceful days of my relationship and life really. She was SUPPOSED to split up her summer between our house and her mother's right down the road but apparently she has changed her mind. You see, although her & mommy are BFFL they "can't live together or they fight all the time". Which as much as I don't like BM I highly suspect the fighting is mainly caused by SD as I live the nightmare here with her everyday.
Here's what's gone down the last 4 weeks and 2 days (yes I'm being very specific because I have felt each and every one of those days). This is going to be long because I need a good vent. Read or don't- I need to let it out, LOL. I'm not really looking for any advice here and please no "leave him" comments- lol. Other than my awful SD things are really good- DH has his faults for sure and doesn't handle the balance between the 3 of us very well. I do of course love some good co-miserating and any helpful suggestions always welcome :)
She arrived back the Sunday of Mother's Day along with SS20 who is the easy one most of the time. I really went into this 3 months with an open mind that maybe she'd come back this summer more mature and with a better attitude- WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So quickly was I wrong.
Started that first Friday she was back. She had a friend over our house pretty much every night that week which we sadly prefer becasue it keeps her occupied. Yes, we have to keep our 19yo baby occupied ALL the time. The first night she doesn't have someone to hang out with the depression starts. DH and I our cuddled up on the couch watching a movie when she comes walking out of her room all sullen and sad and says "she's going for a drive". DH asks where and she just replies "a drive". Wow, thanks for bringing down the vibe there. But that wasn't enough... an hour later at 10:30PM BM sends some cryptic text to tell DH that babygirl is OK and at her house- REALLY. That did it- haven't had to hear from her in SO long but she loves drama too and loves it when SD runs to her although she can't live there with her. So, I got pissed off & turned off the movie & went to bed. GREAT.
Then the biggie.. a week later we are about to eat dinner after a long work day. We don't eat at a table or anything formal. DH and I ususally sit in the living room with tv and if the skids are around they eat at the pub table behind us in kitchen. SS20 makes some sort of insensitive comment that SS19 doesn't like and goes on a 20 minute tangent about it. Initially I got up and left the room but as I'm sitting upstairs with my dinner getting cold I decided to take matters into my own hands. DH isn't much of an authority AT all which is one big problem I have with him. He kind of said something but not firmly or direct. I came down and told SS19 that it was enough already, she made her point and let's drop this conversation. She shot back with a "whatever" calling me by my first name afterwards. I told her that we deserve to have a nice peaceful dinner with which she replied "whatever (insert name), you and Dad fight all the time". I wanted to tell her it's ONLY when she's here and she's the MAIN cause of it all but I kept my cool and told her "no we do not" and she replies "OK GIRL". HS- I thought I was going to punch her in the face. DH DID step in and immediately tell her that she was being disrespectful and he wouldn't tolerate it in our house. So I did appreciate that. But then I spent the next 2 days basically hiding out in my house all day (work from home still) as I hate confrontation and didn't want to even look at her frankly.
To my shock on that 2nd day she actually came to me and asked if we could talk. She apologized in her own way... which means acknowlodging that what she said to me wasn't right but explaining to me why she did it- LOL. She has her own opinions, views, blah blah blah. For the greater good I accepted the apology and said we should just wipe the slate and try to start fresh.
Well, lol, later that day... DH and I are just sitting down to watch the Friends Reunion which i was SOOOOO excited about. SD had been out all afternoon / evening so no issues there! Of course, we're right about to start the show and she pulls in the driveway and we just see her sitting in her car and looks like she's crying. Here we go again. She'll never say what's wrong and frankly I think it's all a bunch of attention grabbing BS. She wants his love and attention and I think she sees me as someone who takes it away from her. Always been that way. She comes in... DH asks what's wrong.. nothing of course she says and goes to her room. I tell him (against all my better intitution) to invite her to watch the show with us. I guess I was still feeling nice since she came to me earlier that day. She said she didn't want to- FINE! GOOD! Well, not 10 minutes later DH gets a text from BM. "PLEASE don't tell SD but you told her yesterday that you two would watch a move together tonight and she doesn't want to watch the Friends Reunion with you and (myself)". Ok folks, I think I'm going to lose my $hit now. Apparently he forgot he said that but it's not the point- REALLY? She had to go to her mommy and tell her??? Is she 5 years old??? Another night ruined. I told DH I didn't want to watch the show anymore and they could just watch their movie together as I wanted to be alone.
Wanted nothing to do with SD after that- kept it cordial but that's it. Had a huge fight with DH (you see the pattern here right?? or the common theme of our fights?). I told him he needed to shut this crap down immediately. No more drama texts from the ex- which he supposedly handled. I also advised him that he needed to tell SD that she needs to stop running to her mother and talk to him directly if she has a problem. I hope he told her that it was causing fights between he and I because she should know- she's not a little child. She complained that we "fight all the time" well I think she's old enough to know why. Or just keep her opinions to herself because next time I'm not going to hold back.
A week went by and it's her birthday. She had a bunch of her friends from college come down and spent all day & night Friday and large part of the day Saturday. We were nothing but gracious hosts. Catered to their every need. blah blah yuck yuck. SD is of course miss happy ray of sunshine when she's entertained and with her friends but as soon as they leave it's back to doom and gloom.
Last night, last straw. I hate her. I want her to leave sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. She spent the afternoon with her cousin on BM's side. I think BM perhaps too. We just finished dinner and we're about to go upstairs for some "alone" time and then watch our show we're into when SD text DH. "Do you want to watch a movie? Or play go fish? or anything?????". Ohhhh WTF!!!????? Seriously. And what's with the dramatics? Go Fish, really? GROW UP. So he texts back and says "we're going to watch our show tonight but he'd play a game of go fish with her first- when will you be home?"
Two minutes later she pulls in the driveway- perfect (eyes rolling). I happened to be upstairs which didn't last long and came down in time to hear the end of their conversation. He offered for the three of us to watch a move together tomorrow (or tonight now) in his attempt to make her not angry at him for doing absolutely nothing wrong other than not immediately give in to her demands. My guess based on DH's comment this morning is that she was feeling all nostalgic from her day with cousin and mommy and that she just wanted daddy to herself for the night to follow. What really did it for me though was as he was shutting her door I heard her say
"Thanks for ditching me". ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How the hell did he ditch you??? He had no plans with you? Sorry your daddy wants to spend time with his wife. You text 5 minutes before you get in the door to tell him this. I heard him say that he didn't ditch her but he isn't firm or direct- he's always worried about hurting her feelings. So I'll spare you the details but yes, we ended up not speaking for the rest of the night and watching our show in complete silence.
Talked this morning before he left for work- I've just had it with this girl. The one thing he has always said and drives me crazy is "I just want to make everyone happy". NO. I'm your wife and my happiness at THIS point should come first and foremost. She is a 19YO girl who spends most of her year in college and barely takes your feelings into consideration and certainly not mine. He basically just wants me to keep quiet and "let him handle things". But I really don't think he does a great job with that. He's too soft and someone needs to be direct with her.
It's just her and I in the house today- UGH. Hiding upstairs on my computer about to start my work day. A big part of me really wants to confront her today and call her out for last night. Before we sat in silence we were quietly arguing downstairs... although DH is loud by nature so I usually have to tell him to be quiet a thousand times during the quiet argument. But I won't- it will only make things worse I suppose. It would feel good to let it out and tell her what she's doing but then I have to live with the tension to follow.
Some good news- she got an apartment for next year and plans to stay there on break and in summer and work. I'm not holding my breath because she was ALSO supposed to split her time up this summer between our house and mom's but that did happen. Although, I think the apartment will be more appealing. Also, she's leaving 3-4 weeks earlier than expected since she's going into an apartment and not dorms. Woo hoo! DH and I leaving for vacation for 4 nights next week- need to stop fighting prior to then! I booked a trip down south to visit my family which I moved up by 2 weeks once I heard she was leaving sooner to avoid spending any more time here with her than I have to.
Wow- that was a long rant. Guess I needed that! If anyone got through that all God bless!! Wishing everyone a good week and hopefully mine will get better!!
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Comments
Wow, I can't imagine being 19
Wow, I can't imagine being 19 and wanting to hang out and play Go Fish with my dad!
she replies "OK GIRL"
I would have wanted to punch her in the face, too.
She's not very mature, is she?
Gawd
These entitled SD's seem to think that everyone should have their lips planted on their ass, especially daddio.
What a spoiled little suck, and your DH enables this BS.
I would never want that lil B darkening my doorstep.
Hope time goes quick for you. I am not gonna say LEAVE, but your DH IMHO is a dick. He likes to argue loud. That is probably for the princess's benefit. Thes B's arent happy unless you are fighting, and daddio caters to that.
He really needs to step up , but you know he wont.
Stop going upstairs. Leave
Stop going upstairs. Leave the house - go to a friends, a cafe, shopping. Just leave the house. Men seem to have the feeling all is well - or at least it's not too bad - if you are in their domain. Go out. Do something for you.
Yuk
And can he not just put bm to email /emergency only?
The reality is your issues
The reality is your issues with SD will never go away as long as your DH continues to keep you and SD in the same relationship status. It appears he is comfortable having two women fight over him...one of them being his own daughter. The fact that he allows his ex to still text and make comments, even worse.
Your issue here is solely with your DH, SD19 is just a result of his craptastic enmeshed dysfunctional dynamic. I don't know what to tell you on how to fix this, other than start placing the blame where is belongs on your DH.
Shades if Bratty's Summer of Terror 2.0
When she came home from college. Longest summer ever.
DH needs to set better boundaries with SD. When it's couple time she can't interrupt, period.
Also both kids are over 18 - DH needs to stop answering BM's crazy texts. Block her number. That way SD will stop using her as a backchannel if she knows no one will pay attention.
As for you, at least he stood up to her when she was rude to you. Find some hobbies to keep you busy this summer - it will go by quickly and hold SD's feet to the fire about the apartment next year! It was the same with Bratty - after the one summer she got into an apartment near campus and stayed there through the next summer. What a relief.
That is SO good to hear that
That is SO good to hear that yours stayed in her apartment after that first summer- I THINK she will so very hopeful. I knew this summer would be rough but I really thought she might come back a bit more mature.
I will say DH did not respond to BM's texts but also didn't block her- but if it persists I will put my foot down as I'm not having our peace disrupted because of this drama!
Job
I have a 19-year old at home this summer. He is working (ubereats driver). Could she get a job?
She does but not nearly
She does but not nearly enough hours- at least not yet. Hoping that picks up more. She also bit*#es about it every single time she has to go in- LOL. Shocking I know!
yikes!
You said you did not really want advice, were just ranting and wanted "commiseration". Well, I am so hoping that I do not have this particular type of sitch!!! Sounds miserable.
Youve got a mini-wife situation on your hands. yuk.
I hope your summer flies by...
and you can put this one behind you and get back to enjoying your life with DH! My SO has a DD21 who I could never live with, not even for 1 day, so I can't really imagine how frustrating it must be for you to have her around for most of the summer.
You asked for no advice, but I am curious -- why in the world does he still text with BM in those "we're still a family" kind of situations? If the kids are adults, then having these private/sideline chats over insignificant things seems over the top to me. If there was a true crisis, I get it. But texting to say 'little princess has hurt feelings, but don't tell her I told you' seems a little enmeshed to me. Any chance he could knock that off in the future? Time for BM to cut those strings of connection and let the skids do their own, maturing communication.
Right? My DH hasn't spoken to
Right? My DH hasn't spoken to BM since my SD was 18 (now, 30).
He actually did not reply to
He actually did not reply to BM. She messaged him. He supposedly reached out the next day and told her to knock it off and then if his daughter had drama she needed to speak to him directly. I'm inclined to believe him as I haven't seen any other messages come through… But never know.
Spoiled teenage stepdaughter
3 negative words, lol. I feel for you, been there, done that.
Back in the Dark Ages when I was her age, I can't imagine wanting to spend any time at home. Boyfriends! Also, the drama, my SD and BM loved it, SD still does. Some people are just like that.
The good news is APARTMENT! Hang in there.
No advice because you aren't
No advice because you aren't asking, but if DH's Little Bitch said "OK GIRL" to me in my house I pay for I'd tell her to pack her ditty bag cause she's going to mommy's.
For sure.
For sure. So disrespectful.