Wow, just wow.....

I am so proud of you and grateful you are in Munchkins' life, CLove. Every character you type reveals your love & compassion for her. 

I almost need to go Lysol myself off after just READING about that, though. OMG. What you are dealing with is heartbreaking. 

(((HUGS)))

Please don't let him guilt you into having FF over again - first it was the picture, now this. If he wants to see his toxic daughter, he can do it on his time. And then he sits in his man-cave the whole time?

I think FF was probably on sometning during the whole episode, starting with the calls.  It made me remember a day when SD59 lived here.  She was on who knows what, prescription abuse, my guess, off and on.  Some days, she would be normal, other days, the crying jags, the crazy behavior, the mood swings.  This day started bad with her plunking down in a chair near me and crying.  I asked if the pain was physical or emotional.  No response.  Crazy behavior all day, wandering around alarming us both.  Do you want something to eat? (hadnt eaten in awhile). Finally, I said, lets drive thru Lion's Choice and we will get us some lunch.  She stumbled out of the house with no shoes (wintertime). I got her back in and saw that she was dressed and off we went.  We came back and the crazy behavior resumed, wandering around, making no sense. 

I had an appointment, thought I really should cancel but thought, I just can't deal wtth it any more so left her with DH.  Apparently, the weird behavior continued and DH called her daughter, SGDnow 29.  This girl has had a life of dealing with SD, is antagonistic toward her (SD spent all her college fund forcing SGD to get a student loan)  She came and took over.  She flushed every pill she could find and told SD to stay in her room.  Every time she came out, SGD would yell, " Go back, Mom, you're scaring Grandpa and Grandma!".

Drug abuse is awful, so destructive to the users and their families.  We didn't know much.  I really feel for you all, CLove.

Just WOW!!! I'm curious do you think FF is pregnant or just has the alcholic belly? 

Wow, that all sucks, for everybody involved. Well, except for FF, who got money. Yay, for her!  Please stop giving an addict cash.

The fact that he had had a few shots was reason enough to not let him drive anywhere. The other thing is true, that he shouldn't jump when she snaps her fingers, but it didn't need to be said at that moment. Not bashing you for it, just something I've learned after 24 years of being a step mom. Sometimes, it's best to let logic and law be the voice of reason. You are not evil for not wanting him to drive after drinking.

Shots aside, you are trying to protect yourself and your family, including your husband and his emotional well being, and he calls you evil. He knows damn well that this is ALL on his daughter. Yes, that is his daughter, yes, he will always love her. But, at some point, he has to come to the realization that until SHE makes some changes and wants something different, their relationship is not going anywhere, is not going to change.

She is not a child, anymore (even if she calls him, "Daddy"), and has to make some adult decisions. SHE has to make those decisions, he can't make them for her and him settling for table scraps is not going to make a difference. It just makes it hurt more, the next time she blows him off. It just lets her know that she can take advantage and there is no reason for her to even think about making any changes. She still gets what she wants.

I feel for your husband, I do. It is HARD to watch your kid go down that road. It's HARD to think that there is not a damn thing that you can do about it that will make a difference, as long as that is the life they are choosing. But, it's a truth that he has to face.

Right now, he needs to focus on the life that he has made with you, and his minor daughter. He can still make a difference in HER life.

Not saying he should write FF off. If she ever reaches out to him for some REAL help (not moving in), that is different, but he cannot sacrifice what he has for tidbits from her.

Something that every parent, divorced or not, has to face, is that at some point, your kids get old enough to start making decisions that affect their lives, and they do it without any input from you. You have to let go and let them own those decisions. As hard as it is, you have to let them suffer the consequences.

Your husband is right there, at that edge. What he said to her, that he can't afford to lose everything, means that he knows it's at that point. His heart doesn't want to admit it, or even be there (I don't blame him), but that's the reality. Until she truly wants help and wants to change, and is willing to DO it, he can't help her.

I don't think there is really any right or wrong way in a situation as difficult as this.  I think I would have done pretty much the same as you.  Except I probably wouldn't have invited FF for dinner.

Hopefully someone can convince FF to get serious help.

It's not advisable to give addicts money. It's enabling.

 It doesn't mean you shouldn't give addicts anything for holidays. There are things and acts of service that could be given to them that they cannot sell for drugs/alcohol.

My OSD is an addict with criminal records and several incarcerations, I don't post much about her because I am afraid someone from BM's family will read on here.

She is or at least appears to be clean at the moment. But we never ever give her money. We give stuff that cannot be sold.  We meet her for meals in a restaurant on a neutral territory and pay for diners. Restaurants are currently closed in my state so we meet in the mall or outdoors places like a zoo or park (yes it's brutal winter here but if bundled up we can walk around). We see her at least monthly.
 

There've been times when we took her grocery shopping and bought full stuck of groceries and cleaning supplies etc

OSD knows that to maintain relationship with us she has to behave and make good efforts to be sober and no issues with the law. Things have been peaceful, if it gets out of hand she knows we won't tolerate it.

She would not be allowed to show up intoxicated in our house. She'd have to leave. Id not allow my DH to hide while I am entertaining his intoxicated kid. Wouldn't be happening. I understand unconditional love for a child and we do well by OSD. She is forever DHs child but we do not tolerate such nonsense. My YSD (normal one) has no relationship with her sister. We maintain a relationship but within boundaries and with education about addictions.
 

I don't know how you can stand your DH. 

if he wants relationship with his child he should make an effort and he should educate himself about addictions. Isn't he a recovering or recovered addict himself? You two just gave an addict 200 to spend on drugs and alcohol.  

Ugh.  I'm so sorry.  What a mess.  My SO has pretty much resigned himself to the fact that he and his daughter (also a feral check stealing forger, drug using/dealing mess) are incapable of having a normal relationship.  She's almost 30.  The dysfunctional patterns don't go away.  Just pray she doesn't get pregnant because that takes it to a whole new level of insanity.

Good on you for taking yourself out of the drama triangle and eliminating the "you hate my daughter" b.s.  I hear that too.

We subsidize SD59, you all have heard me rant on.  She lives on disability.  The cash issue is tough.  I will never give her another cent but starting mid-month, when she has blown thru her disability $, DH starts getting the calls.  "I don't have any money but need my medicine".  That's her fave line which he always falls for.  A variation is, " My cell service is turned off but the doctor will be calling".  At least we have our finances separated but that doesnt address the issue of giving cash to an addict.  It is so tough dealing with drug addiction.

You are making a good point to outline financial and other boundaries.  Every case is different.  We subsidize rent (about half) and pay the gas bill.  SD59 is on disability and pays her part of rent, electric, food and her phone.  I dont give her cash but DH does, in dribs and drabs ("I'm out of my medicine") during the month but he also has her working off some of it doing yardwork here (I wont let her do housework due to the theft issue).  Im going thru these details as an example of outling boundaries that you can live with while realizing that a family member needs help.

Between you and me, I just wish the earth would open up and swallow SD59 but thats not going to happen.  Setting these boundaries, as uncomfortable as it was, is the only way we have been able to maintain our marriage.

Clove, something you need to accept and factor into your choices is: this dynamic is complex, multi-layered and old, with mental illness involved. It's a hydra, and above your paygrade. Both TT and your DH have their own unresolved issues, including addiction; neither understands boundaries and they haven't worked together to raise the girls, which has caused more damage; and the older everyone gets, the less likely they will be to change.

Your hierarchy of needs should be 1) protecting and nurturing YOU, 2) your marriage, 3) Munchkin. I think you sometimes get these mixed up and sucked into other people's problems, to your own detriment.

You are a loving and tender-hearted soul, but aren't getting the support you need from your DH. Find a therapist for yourself, someone who can be your confidant and offer tools and strategies for navigating this poo. Then, maybe start marriage counselling. You'll be modelling something healthy and important for Munchkin. Perhaps one day you, DH, and Munchkin can do some family therapy, too. 

Oh, I REALLY like the idea of them including Munchkin in counseling after while.