Boundaries with SKids dropping in
Hello, I am just looking for feedback and advice regarding how other stepparents feel about their stepkids dropping in to pick up things. It is pretty much a daily happening at our house, we have 50/50 of my SD14, and she constantly needs to go back and forth btn our home and BM to grab item....shoes...shorts..etc. My DH has got her to at least let us know most of the time before she comes by, but I would prefer she "check", as in wait for an answer. There have been a few times I have been texted and "told" by she or her BM they are coming and then they appear within minutes DH goes from being annoyed by it to defending it, and there have been several times he gives her the green light to come when he isn't even home but I am. His view is that it is his kid's home, which I totally agree with, but every day random drop ins are crossing my boundaries, especially when I think I am having some much needed home alone time. It happened today and he basically said there is nothing he can do about it and it will probably happen more when she starts driving. Just wondering if anyone else has struggled with this and how you have been able to overcome it?
Do the skids have keys to
Do the skids have keys to your house?
Yes they do. SD does not
Yes they do. SD does not carry hers but used the garage keypad
It's your house too and you
It's your house too and you need to tell your DH that. Do you help contribute to bills in your household?
oh yes, we both work full
oh yes, we both work full time and share the bills/finances. He does not understand why the stopping in bothers me, and doesn't want his kids to feel like this isnt their home. I don't want them to feel that way either. But I do have a need for boundaries. I am trying to overcome that but it's not easy
OMG I joined this site today for this exact issue!!!
I thought I was alone!
I'm bio mom to 2 grown kids (25 and 21) who have moved out and live independently, and my fiance has two teenage boys (ages 14 and 18) whom he has shared with bio mom 4 days on and 4 days off. Now that the oldest boy has wheels, the kids drop in ALL THE TIME to grab this and that, or "we were in the neighborhood". I don't accept drop-ins from my own family- because guess what, I have a life- but because they "live here", I feel like I'm supposed to be ok with it.
My fiance is a shift worker, and the schedule was originally arranged so he had the boys on his four days off. So these dropins are happening either on "my" time home or on his turnover day when we have a bit of time to be together/alone. Last night I was IN BED and I woke up to hear the oldest arriving in the middle of the night (it's technically his "moms" night). No text. No notice. Nothing. Just parked his truck, opened the door, rustled around in the fridge and went to bed. They are good kids, although the oldest has some entitlement issues that his dad cultivates because he's scared of this not "being a safe place". Not sure how picking up his garbage from the floor, giving him vehicles, or washing/folding/putting away this young mans laundry for him = "safe".
My fiance will not set boundaries. He wants the boys to feel welcome here, and he is right in saying it's their house too. But I feel invisible, and like I have no control over my own environment.
Am I wrong?
Nope, not wrong at all. So
Nope, not wrong at all. So often we ask ourselves "am i wrong to feel this way?" But you feel that way for a reason. I feel the same. That's why my SO and i don't live together. Your fiance probably sees the kids and BM as extensions of himself, and doesn't see why their presence would bother you more than it bothers him.
I am a BM too. My daughter was forgetting things at her dad's a lot for a while, and we were going back for them a lot. My ex told her it was a problem. He told her she needed to remember everything the first time and if she needed to pop over, she had to text or call and get his permission first.
Guess what happened:
a) She stopped feeling like his house was her safe space. She totally stopped loving her dad and never went back. Now she's mine, all mine!!!!! (Insert witch cackle.)
b) She understood, and was more careful not to forget things. She calls or texts before i have to bring her to get something that is urgent, and only rarely. I totally understood. She goes over there just as much as ever and nothing else changed.
Yep, it's b. These SO's/fiance's/DH's who parent out of fear and guilt are totally getting in their own way. Their kids would maybe even respect them more if they set limits and made it clear that parents are people too and not just wallets and servants and rides.