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Boundaries with SKids dropping in

stepper47's picture

Hello, I am just looking for feedback and advice regarding how other stepparents feel about their stepkids dropping in to pick up things. It is pretty much a daily happening at our house, we have 50/50 of my SD14, and she constantly needs to go back and forth btn our home and BM to grab item....shoes...shorts..etc. My DH has got her to at least let us know most of the time before she comes by, but I would prefer she "check", as in wait for an answer. There have been a few times I have been texted and "told" by she or her BM they are coming and then they appear within minutes DH goes from being annoyed by it to defending it, and there have been several times he gives her the green light to come when he isn't even home but I am. His view is that it is his kid's home, which I totally agree with, but every day random drop ins are crossing my boundaries, especially when I think I am having some much needed home alone time. It happened today and he basically said there is nothing he can do about it and it will probably happen more when she starts driving. Just wondering if anyone else has struggled with this and how you have been able to overcome it?

Twix's picture

I honestly understand both sides. I was a step kid and I was free to come and go as I pleased between homes (helped that it was about a 10 min walk from one to the other). Now my step mother could be pretty evil and while I still don't condone her actions towards my sister and myself - I can understand where she was coming from now that I am a stepmother myself.
As a child it's your home, of course your always welcome right? But as a stepmother you want boundaries and privacy.

I struggle with this myself as the skids are always leaving things and BM sends a quick text right before she hits the driveway. The other week GBM had the skids so she actually asked DH. I got a text from DH saying can they come by and pick up a DS charger. I had the day to myself and was in my pjs blaring music dancing around cleaning the house .... nope no ones coming over.

I guess my only advice is to try and remind SD to take what she needs with her and remind her to wait for a confirmation when she wants to pop by.

twoviewpoints's picture

With two 18yr old boys still living in your home fulltime, I guess I don't really see what the big deal is. You have one female 50% who dashes in whenever during the other 50%. But you have two full grown adult young man living there all the time. Are the boys off to college here this month?

Had I not read about the other two (one yours, one your DH's) being fulltime, I might have had different advice on forgotten belongs. A question, does Dad take the SD back and forth to BM's on Dad's time if/when the girl forgets or wants something at Mom's? If so, does the girl call and ask her mother permission and wait for a reply first?

Second question, how far do the parents live from each other? Is this a long drive? Are the trips to fetch a few minute duration and off she goes again?

My tolerance for a young teen running in and out to get something would be pretty high IF I still have chances of the other two who live their fulltime are quite free to act as this is their home and they are able to pop in and out without notice and permission. Which I will assume the boys there 100% of the time are.

So, the girl is the only person in two households who really is made to feel as she really belongs in neither home, oh unless it's her week? I'm not sure if I were Dad, I'd be good with that. On the other hand, at 14/15 yrs old, she should be able to make a list of what she needs to take back and forth. Echo is correct that no one should be responsible for making sure the girl remembers her math...I'm just having troubles treating this girl differently in her home ...is it her half-time home? Is her Mom's also her half-time home? Damn, poor kid. Everybody else, the adults and children have just 'home'.

New_to_this's picture

I don't like it either and DH is on the same page as me for the most part. The skids are 17 and 13. The back and forth of dropping off forgotten items used to happen a lot (pretty much every time there was a switch over) maybe just until a year or two ago. DH used to tell the kids that if they forgot stuff they would have to walk to pick it up (BM's house is within a 20 minute walk), but I nixed that because it meant that they could just show up at our house unannounced.

I get that the kids should feel at home at our house and they do, when they are supposed to be at our house. But it's not their house to walk into when they are supposed to be at their mom's. We are teaching them to be responsible and not forget stuff. If they were going on a trip/vacation or even just to school, they should know what they need to bring. If they don't have it, well...tough luck.

I know what you are saying though. I want and expect to have a skid-free home when they are at BM's house. But, I have to live with the fact that that doesn't happen.

stepper47's picture

Thank you for the feedback, this is why I posted, for other perspectives. I was an only child and raised my son alone until I married DH, so i know I have some introverted personality type stuff to work on. My parents divorced when I was 3, and I have had 2 each of stepmoms and stepdads. It never occurred to me not to call first if I was with one and had to go to the others. Not that I felt unwelcome either place, it was more of a courtesy thing. So I guess I hadn't considered that angle of my SD feeling like it is not her home. Yes we have 2 18 year olds living with us, my SS recently moved in full time and both boys are staying there and going to school locally. You are right, they come and go although we are pretty aware of their schedules. I struggled when my SS was not with us full time and would stop in unannounced. My DH does run SD to her mom's almost daily when she is with us also and they call first. We live about 5 minutes apart. I love my SKids, but I think Twix said it well about needing privacy and boundaries. I compare it to walking into their rooms, I would never do that if they don't acknowledge me first. Not that they don't want me there, but that I respect their privacy. I also see both sides, and I do not want to get hung up on something petty. But I am struggling today.

sammigirl's picture

I latch the door; they have to knock, wait until I let them in,(no keys), and this is after they let us know they are on their way. You can be gone too and say, "Oh I forgot you were dropping in, you need to give me a bit more notice, so I can prioritize. Don't answer the door, no explanation needed.

Let them know, they are not priority, by telling them yourself; don't depend on your DH to take care of the problem; it won't happen. Let them know they have to work with YOUR schedule, you are not available at the drop of a hat. You need to set your own boundaries and enforce them; that is what I finally had to do also.

Take control of your own home and you own schedule. Your SD14 needs to learn organization and respect for your privacy. You can help her learn by making house rules beginning now.

stepper47's picture

I think if I did that it would create a lot of conflict, especially between me and my husband. Her parents have created thisnsituatiin and I think me trying to teach her would not go over at all. I am not trying to stop her from coming here, I just want the ability to say "now is not a good time". For some reason that does not appear to be an optiin

Loxy's picture

While I get the invasion of your space and time is hard to deal with and is one issue in itself, I think the bigger issue here is the complete lack of responsibility being taught to your SD.

We gave my SD12 around 8 weeks when she started high school to get used to the new routine of all the stuff she has to take back and forth between houses and then made her fully responsible.

If she forgets something then the vast majority of the time now that's just too bad and she has to suffer the consequences at school.

stepper47's picture

I completely agree with you. I have witnessed the meltdowns when there isn't time to "run and grab" something, and I can see the disorganization is not good for her either. I feel like it would be such and easy thing to teach. Unfortunately neither of her parents are on that page. My husband actually told her no a couple weeks ago, so she just called her mom to come get her, went and got what she needed, and came back. He dropped everything last weekend to run her to her mom's 20 minutes before we had to leave for a cookout, because she didn't have the "right" shorts (There were at least 3 clean pairs in the laundry room). We were late to the cookout. I feel like I need to let that part go, annoying as it is, bc they are the parents and it is their choice. But because they cater to that, it has led to it impacting me. I am trying to figure out how to not let it, but so far no good. : /

SMforever's picture

I feel sympathy for you...I too am an introvert in that my alone time in the house is precious. Simple things like being able to go to the kitchen in my pj's or take a nap, without the front door opening. After, it is half my house and so the skids need to respect that. It is no longer their family home only.

When I first moved in with DH, SS25 used to drop by and just walk in whenever he wanted. He had a key too. I voiced my need for privacy to DH, but his pushback was, oh he's been used to visiting like this when I was single. OK, fine, but time for little mention to the kid that Dad now has a partner who is female, needs privacy, etc. Try calling first, or he knocks and no answer but the car is there...then don't barge in.

The change has been gradual but now SS stands on the doorstep, rings the bell, and rolls his eyes. I've seen him outside the window doing it. I make a point of answering the door in my housecoat, saying oh just doing my hair, please excuse me, I'm busy in the bedroom. Sometimes he gets the hint and leaves. Other times, he makes himself a coffee and sits in the living room for 20 minutes until it dawns on him that it really is an inconvenient time, and leaves.

If he does call first, then I am ready to socialise and he is welcome. If DH won't dictate common courtesy, then I guess the only way to effect change is in gradual steps. You may have to work on the 14 year old in the same gradual way...until at 18 you can engage with proper boundaries.

stepper47's picture

Thank you, it is nice to know someone understands how important it is not to hear that door open at certain times. I dont know why, but here lately it seems every time I am actually alone is when she "needs" to come. My husband is not an introvert at all, and totally does not get it. It is very hard to explain, and even harder to let go of. I am glad your gradual hints started to work. Smile

No Name's picture

That's a tough one. I usually did a sweep of the house before the skids would leave and put all of their things by the front door (this of course was after DH would tell them to get their things together). Then I would do another sweep of the house right before they walked out the door. They lived 45 minutes away so it was a much bigger deal if they forgot something.
As far as coming and going...I understand what others are saying but I too want to know when someone who doesn't reside here full time is coming. I love my "me" time when I have the house to myself. I have those days when I look like a total slob if I know I have the house to myself. I would just suggest that she call in case you are not home. Don't feel like it, don't answer the phone when DH calls to tell you that she is on the way. I keep the doors locked at all times and hey if you don't have a heads up and you don't answer the door who is to say that you are not in the shower, napping or out somewhere? Sometimes it's just about staying one step ahead.