Is this an example of manipulation through gaslighting?
Is it considered gaslighting when you bring up an issue to your significant other (or brought it up to your now ex significant other) that adult kids are supposed to work and take care of themselves and he says "you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right,. " Then he says "you are always right." I felt it was very immature and disrespectful but not sure if was actual gaslighting. Thing is after he found out others agreed with me, he said he knows adult kids are supposed to work and take care of themselves. However, he continued to coddle and enable them. Then stress and get irritable about it.. I took that as meaning he could know something is wrong but continue to do it, and expect someone else to go along with it. Thanks but no thanks.
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It is not
It is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is trying to convince you of something that is not true. He is just being childish and petulant.
Yes, this. Gaslighting is
Yes, this. Gaslighting is trying to make you think you are crazy by denying the reality of things that you see.
He's stonewalling.
He is trying to make you
He is trying to make you believe you are a shrew who is always nagging him and harassing him.
Sorry
I don't know if gas lighting is the correct term. It sounds like he never intends to change no matter what you say or how you feel, and just wants to get passed your "nagging" as quickly as possible and continue doing what he will do irrespective of anything you say or do. So the longer this pattern cotinues, the more you'll feel like a "nag." And by saying "you're always right," he's insulting and taunting you to try to make you feel like you're an unreasonable person who can't see anyone's perspective but your own, so rather than engage you in a discussion, he's going to shut it down through lip service and go on as he does.
This conversation happened
This conversation happened after I had already dumped him and after some time going by him still trying to persuade me to be with him again and hear him out. He decided to talk to some people he knew about the situation. He admitted they all agreed with me. When I saw the behavior was the same I just distanced myself from him. He's the one allowing the life to be sucked out of him by his adult kids. I think his plan was for me to take on part of the burden. Thanks but no thanks. Hahaha
Good riddens
Good for you for seeing it for what it is and not carrying on the burden of supporting his adult kids. Doesn't it make you want to be and stay single for the rest of your life? I'm at a loss as to whether there is any hope for my marriage because of the way that my step"children" affect my life and marriage. When we argue, my DH says, you're just an "unhappy person" and "nothing is ever enough" etc. (like what you're describing with, "you're always right"). But there were times in my life when I have been truly happy and peaceful, and they were when I was single! The causes of my current "unhappiness" are 100% attributable to being married to this person (and maybe the marriage would have worked but for the existence of the step"children" but that's counterfactual and irrelevant) .....
Is there anyone out there in stepland that is okay with supporting your partner's adult children? Letting them drive your car? Giving them money into their twenties (instead of paying off debt or paying taxes on time, for example)? I mean, is that really a situation that would work for anyone? I try to think of my problems more objectively and think, how would my sister or my best friend do in this situation (neither of whom are foolish enough to get in this situation, but still)? Would they feel the way that I feel? Would they put up with it?
Thinker, being single is much
Thinker, being single is much better than dealing with adult SKs who don't work and take care of themselves. I didn't knowingly go into this situation because I was honest about my take on it from the beginning. As a man he should have been able to respect that. But he really wasn't behaving like a man thinking he was going to burden me with his problems related to his adult kids. Sometimes he would try to talk to me about their financial problems and I told him their financial problems are none of my business. If they are struggling then they need to gain a skill or trade, or get a second or third job. They are young, they can handle it. As far as what you mentioned about driving your car, no way in hell would I ever allow that.
Some people on this board said he tried to trick me by hiding the situation until he thought I loved him so much or was so in love that I would accept it. What he did had the opposite outcome. I broke up with him so it put us in the same situation we would have been in had he not lied and that is not together.
So you have kids? I would never accept this kind of behavior from my own adult kids so definitely not accepting from his. I even asked him what the heck he was doing dating or trying to be in a committed relationship with all this mess going on in his life.
Stonewalling...DH likes to do this one
but I will not put with it. BTDT...got the whole damn chochky shop from dealing with the VI....I will turn on him and ask.
What exactly am I right about? What...explain please...if I get "everything"...I will tell him NOPE..won't work. Try again...what exactly am I right about...either we discuss this or we don't..but you do not get a pass for saying.."YOUR RIGHT....YOUR ALWAYS RIGHT"
Halo, I did something
Halo, I did something similar and asked him what else am I always right about. He barely came up with one thing that has led to an issue between us.Then I said if you feel like adult kids should be financially funded for life, then find someone who shares your belief. That way you and that woman can spend life together funding adult kids lives, and perhaps she will look as worn down and stressed as you. However, I will NEVER be apart of that and I have ALWAYS been adamant about it. He eventually explained how much this was hurting him and then shed some tears.
Aawww, poor darling, hurting
Aawww, poor darling, hurting and weeping. So what is he going to do to change the situation so it doesn't hurt him anymore? The problem is of his own making and he alone can change it.
Winterglow, prior to me
Winterglow, prior to me finding this message board and having in depth conversations with family and friends, I didn't really didn't know he was the problem, although I suspected it. Once I found the message board and had in depth conversations with family and friends, I knew he was the problem and started calling him out on it. He mostly wouldn't say much in terms of a response. He knew if he cut them off financially he would never hear from them again. He already hadn't seen them in years.
Eactly Iamwoman. It was very
Eactly Iamwoman. It was very disrespectful and uncalled for. When it didn't work he then said he hurt and shed some tears. Emergency situations do come up when you may need to help kids, or you do something special for them just because. But to have adult kids who just think it's better to mooch off their parent for life is ridiculous. If he thought his position was right, then why not date or be with a woman who shares his viewpoint. Probably because he wants a woman like me who has independent adult kids figuring my finances can help make up for what he gives his adult kids. Thanks but no thanks.
It's deflection, but not
It's deflection, but not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be him trying to convince you that his kids actually work and take care of themselves.
I've found that it's a common male tactic to say "you're right" to try to end a conversation. I think many of them think that we, foolish women will be so flattered that we were told we were right that we will forget about whatever it was that made us angry.
StrugglingSm he tried to tell
StrugglingSm he tried to tell me ihis kids worked and took care of themselves. Turned out to be nothing but a lie. Some of them change jobs frequently, and one I don't think has ever really worked. He tried to tell me his youngest daughter works 10 hours a day to imply she is a hard worker. It later came out she only worked 2-3 days a week.When coronavirus situation came up it became clear his adult kids have always been dependent, were still dependent, and likely will continue to be dependent.