Gaslighting? A New Plan
So last night, my DH and I are in bed. He says to me that he, "is trying to make things work, but that no matter what he does, he seems to set me off". I calmly ask him, "When was I angry today? I was never angry today."
He says, "You were angry all day."
I say, "OK, but what did I do or say that was angry? Yesterday I was so sick I could barely walk. My head hurt that bad. Was I supposed to be jumping up and down laughing today?"
He says, "Well, I thought you were angry all day. I don't know. Maybe you weren't. Maybe you just didn't feel good. But yes you were, you were angry."
I said, "OK, it's fine if you felt I was angry. But what did I do or say that was angry?"
He said, "I don't know. You just seemed angry."
I feel like DH is continually trying to paint me as something I am not. I was not angry at all yesterday. If I'm not this weird happy little housewife, then I'm angry? I think DH has been gaslighting me our entire relationship and I'm just now noticing it and learning how to respond in a way that forces him to qualify what accusations he is making with evidence.
The way I figure it, I have some serious considerations to make about the pros and cons of this marriage.
Cons: DH wants me to keep our home unreasonably clean.
DH does not like houseplant or knick knacks.
DH has an underlying resentment for me.
DH sees me as burdensome because I don't "make $50k a year like I said I would when we got started."
DH is always asking me to "just be happy." I hate this kind of bullying through positivity. It's a way for people to ignore how they are mistreating you.
DH's skids are not my favorite. lol
YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH?! I just had this thought. I already have made a decision. I don't like this marriage one bit. I need a new plan. From now on, I will stop looking at this mess like a marriage and start looking at it like an hourglass. I care more deeply about being a SAHM for my dd2 over the next 2.5 years than I care about any of my complaints or hurt feelings. I feel it is extremely important that I be there for my dd2 in her earliest years. I've worked in the daycare in town, and I just don't think it is up to par compared to one-on-one care I provide. Besides...DH cannot afford daycare for dd2! If he could, he wouldn't be asking me to take ds5 to the "dental students" at the college in the city for more "affordable" dental work.
DH cannot afford sh**. Not my problem and not a problem to me. Every penny I am not earning is worth being able to be at home with my daughter, to teach her and inspire her the way I have my ds5.
Soooo, my new plan is to NEVER complain or criticize my DH. EVER again. My new plan is to NEVER ask DH for money beyond the $100 a week on groceries. And when the kids need new clothes, I will make over how amazing of a Dad DH is for taking us all out shopping for their new clothes. He will pay for it in person. I won't put anything else on my credit card, as my balance is steadily growing with grocery bills and clothing bills. (DH wants me to give up my credit card, but he magically forgets to leave me weekly grocery money every week. So I end up spending on my credit card. Then he tells me I am irresponsible! Is this financial abuse or what? lol) Well, if he wants me to cut up my credit cards, I will not sir. But I will just tuck them away and not use them. I'll have to go through him for every expense. And that's fine. At least my balance won't grow that way. If he gets tired of seeing me in pitiful, stained and worn out clothes, he'll have to take me shopping. If he wants everyone to think he is such a great earner and great spouse and great dad, well, he's gonna have to pay for it.
No more complaining. No more criticisms. Follow along with whatever he says. Have the house tidy and clean. Have his dinner made and his lunch packed. Check, check, check those boxes. And when the sand runs out, I'm out. He'll be shocked and hurt. He'll wonder what the hell happened. And I'll just shrug, because that is what he wants his marriage to be like. He wants me to be a domestic slave, and when I work, he still wants me to be a domestic slave plus "chip in" as if I spend my money on anything but our children. He wants to run his own business and have the glory that comes with that. Fine. 2 or 2.5 years, then I'm out.
tick tock!
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This plan only works until
This plan only works until your DH figures out that it is no bargain for him.. he has free will too.
Honestly.. if you were to leave wouldn't he have to pay child support? or maybe even alimony in the event of divorce?
Do you have family that would help you.. so you could manage to work some.. but still spend a lot of time with your child? could you move back with parents.. or a sibling?
So you're willing to wait 2.5
So you're willing to wait 2.5 years and risk showing your daughter what it's like to live in a miserable, controlling marriage to a guy who regularly gaslights you?
I wouldn't wait that long "for the sake of your daughter." I would get out and get her near to people who will love her and support you. And I would go after this dude for child support.
((Hugs))
BTW - it's not 100% the same thing but my partner of 4+ years catastrophizes things I say/do. If I tell him that I'm feeling a certain way due to something he's said or done, he will hear that I've just called him a piece of sh*t or a terrible person. When he gets moody and distant, I remain cheerful but will go off and do my own thing. If I'm not constantly trying to cajole him out of his funk, he says that I was the one who was angry. Um, no dude. I wasn't angry. I was just keeping to myself because it's not fun to be around someone who grunts or says one word or generally acts like they want to be alone.
The first year we were dating, if I came to him with my feelings, he assumed I was breaking up with him. smdh.
I don't know if it's some kind of childhood trauma, but it is FOR SURE a manipulative technique to redirect the conversation from the problem I brought up to putting me on the defensive that I didn't break up with him or call him a POS.
He's not a bad person, but has learned a few crappy behaviors like defensiveness, catastrophism, projection, deflection, gaslighting and passive aggressiveness to avoid accountability. And it's not narcissism. I've used many of these crappy behaviors in the past and I'm not a narcissist.
What about the s@x baby?
so, what if you get pregnant again? The sand turns over again?
Is this the model you want for kiddos?
I dont really know you and certainly dont know your life. Its all different for us all.
But I totally get it. I too am playing a long game, to figure things out. Ive had friends who played a long game for their kids, being married to a cheater pants. As long as he doesnt risk your health in the meantime.
Well good luck to you. It sounds like a hard life.
Make sure you are on birth
Make sure you are on birth control and your DH is using his own form of birth control or else you might just have to end up extending this game. I’m sorry your marriage has come to a point of equating to a game and that you can’t even talk with your spouse honestly about your relationship. 2 years is a long time to suffer through this if you are already suffering, you might want to start looking into options for you and your children that might alleviate your problems sooner rather than later.
This sounds like an awful way
This sounds like an awful way to live.
I'm sorry that you feel like it's your only choice.
Sorry to hear about that.
Sorry to hear about that.
I know how you feel.
A lot of men today underestimate how much it costs to maintain 2 households / provide adequately for a wife and kids AND skids then take it out on their spouse because they promise one thing then cant hack it, refuse to improve, and hence the gaslighting to preserve their fragile ego
If nothing changes then you have to do what makes you (and your kids) happy
I suspect
I suspect that men with children from ex partner/spouse all read the same playbook. Find someone who preferably doesnt have their own and doesnt want their own, has a job and then they have free childcare when they want to go out with buddies at night and weekends, and of course that second income provides for them while their money gets filtered off to another household.
Its a total scam. Promise romance and love and partnership...give the best s@x of anyones life, and then withold it after that fish bites the hook and has been landed. While the stepfish flops frantically in the bucket, hopelessly and desperately wanting back into the river/pond/ocean that they had previously been swimming - happily enjoying their lives.
There is no question that it is gaslighting.
"Well, I thought you were angry all day."
Time to tell idiot DH that it is time for him to stop thinking as obviously thinking is not whithin his capabilities.
He is gaslighting you, he is trying to isolate you from any chance of idependenance, and he is breeding you into logn term victimhood.
Do nto wait. Take your two young children, nail his ass for a pile of SS, and go.
NOW!
With the extensive list of demands with unreaslable standards that he tags you with, he will avoid visitation like the plague because he will not want to be burdended by the presence of your young children even while he is paying a shit ton of CS for nearly the next two decades.
I understand wanting the SAHM opportunity with your toddler, however, that torture is not worth it and for damned sure keeping your 2.5yo and 5yo in proximity to your toxic mate is not good for them.
Escape... NOW!
All IMHO of course.