Potential gf's kid annoys me....but I never met him
I know this site is for actual step parents but figured I vent to people who already made the jump and can give me realistic answers. So here's my story....
I met a fellow single parent a few months back and we hit it off. We both had a rule of not rushing to introduce kids and add in covid social distancing, we have yet to meet our respective offsprings. I have a 6 year old girl. She has a 3 year old boy. However, as time goes on I find myself not wanting to ever meet her kid. Theres alot to unpack with this one and I probably should talk to a professional to get to the root of it. Maybe her kid subconsciously reminds me of a preschool bully lol but I'll try to break down the triggers for me.
For starters, her parenting style seems alot more different. More "soft" I guess. I am by no means a tiger dad but I always felt that kids are quick learners and you be surprised how fast they get things if you just expose them or let them figure things out. However, IMO, she babies him. We would talk about something like potty training or speech, ill offer my advice and it'll be met with "oh I don't think hes ready for that". At first, I thought she might of been in denial that he had a delay. He was behind on speech, has sleep issues and other things like weird hyper fixations. However, as he "caught up" so to speak and she'd tell me more of how she handles him, I can see its more of being held back by over-protection. Which ties to the next thing that triggers me....discipline. She will vent about his meltdowns or his pushing of boundaries and I'll instantly think "well yea because you're letting him" . Since I already have the perception that shes soft, I imagine she doesnt to much to reign him in. So it just fueled this idea that her kid is a little brat. Again, I'm not an old school kind of guy, I never have spanked my kid and occasionally she does get me with her daddy's princess routine but I know when to put my foot down. Plus at his age, she never did some of the stuff this kid does. Its gotten to the point when I see pics/vids she posts of him on social media, I get this weird anxiety feeling. Like my patience was suddenly sucked out and if I were ever in the same room with the kid, I would probably yell "hey little shit. Stfu". A final minor trigger is that he looks like his dad who I have little respect for since hes a deadbeat who rarely pays child support and causes grief with his drama.
Overall, I just dont understand what's really making me feel this way. I mean when I think about it rationally, I know its just my brain painting a picture that may or may not be true. Plus, I generally don't hate kids. I mean I have one and 3 other nieces/nephews that I adore. Yet this one really gets to me. Like if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would totally trip the bugger to buy me more time.
I read some popular theories like the other person's kids can be seen as a threat for attention but as a single dad i know kids come first so I don't think its that. Another good one I saw was that a kid can trigger your childhood memories, so they annoy you because you don't like to go back remembering youself at that age. Makes sense since he's a boy.
Deep down I know I should probably just bounce, its been a clear sign for me that kids and parenting style play a huge role in potential relationships. However, I dont want to avoid something that overall is good. Anywho, thanks for letting me vent. Feel free share similar experiences or tell me I'm thinking too much into it lol
You are paying attention to major differences in your
You are paying attention to major differences in your parenting styles, and that is a very good thing! Your instincts are right, this child will annoy you, and you will be frustrated because you will understand that his behavors stem from a lack of consistent parenting by his mother. You should probably move on from this relationship, because once your involve the children, you are not going to be happy.
Your gut is your friend
Your gut is screaming "Alert, alert". Listen to it. If you have hesitation, take some time to read thru this site. You sound like an intelligent, perceptive man. Do yourself and your daughter a favor and move on. You will be sorry if you don't and you will kick yourself because your gut knew this was a problem. Good luck.
Partly this could be put down
Partly this could be put down just to your irritation with her "softer" parenting style as you say - but the fact that you feel anxiety in situations such as looking at social media pics etc, makes me think that there is something being triggered from your own childhood in this too. For myself, when DH would (as I saw it) baby my SDs at an inappropriate age - it contrasted horribly with my own childhood in which there was severe emotional neglect. It brought up all sorts of nasty feelings for me - jealousy, resentment, anger etc.
Follow your gut.
Follow your gut.
However, I dont want to avoid something that overall is good.
Things like this, different parenting styles, WILL ruin something that is "overall good". The bad thing, the soft parenting, will make it overall bad. You will resent the kid, (you already do), you will resent the mother (it's already starting).
Overall, I just dont understand what's really making me feel this way
Instinct, and you need to listen to it.
I would say listen to your
I would say listen to your gut. Especially since your kids are not too far apart in age. Let's say you keep moving forward. There is no way you both can parent the children the same. SS will get away with anything while your daughter is disciplined appropriately. No rules for your SS but your daughter will still be expected to follow, right? This leads to resentment on EVERYONES part. You and your GF, and even the kids down the road. Their differences will become glaringly obvious. Protect your relationship with your daughter and move on. Find someone without kids or a parent that is atleast similar to your style. I think that is a dealbreaker.
P.S. - DH and I are thinking about maybe having our own kid. I really disagree with how he parents SD10 a lot of the time and the issues she has that come along with a coparenting relationship. However, there would be a minimum of atleast 10 years apart (probably more). Obviously, teen/young adult rules would be different from a toddler. I honestly think your situation would be different if her kid was MUCH older.
Obviously the others are
Obviously the others are right!
I just thought I would ask a question.
Do you know if this little boy was born prematurely- that included even a couple of weeks before his due date as it is well known premature babies can be on a slightly different developmental timescale. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him.
I don’t think I would offer potty training advice to someone I had just started dating.
Its not the kid you dislike - you haven’t met him.
Be careful with the "kids
Be careful with the "kids come first" crap. Once there is an adult relationship kids no longer come first. If they do, the adult relationship is doomed from the get go.
Kids are never the priority over the adult relationship at the heart of the family. Particularly at the heart of a blended family. Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never the priority over the partners and their marriage.
If you are going to put your daughter above your mate and your relationship and she is going to put her son above you and the relationship don't waste your time or hers.
As for kid behavior, if you have not experienced her kid's behavior, how can you know reality? She apparently engages with you to discuss her son's behaviors. That is a notable characteristic in a potential partner who has a prior relationship child.
You ave a choice to make, are you willing to reciprocate and discuss your daughter's behavior with her and partner with her in an equity life partnership where you both are equity parents to any children in your blended family?
If you are not, don't waste her time or yours.
I guess I'll follow my guts
Thanks for all the responses..I think you guys nailed it on the head. After reading alot of "I can't stand my stepkid" posts, I find the common factor is not the little "brats" themselves but the other parent and how they've been raising the kid.
@DHsfamilyfromhell
I don't believe he was premature. I know there were a lot of sleep issues as a newborn/infant. Night terrors and such. That might have played a role as I know sleep is important for development in all stages in life.
As for the potty training advice, it basically popped up naturally and I dont think I was being that parent with the "omg they should be doing this by now". She was venting and expresssing fustration so I told her not to worry because kids go at their own pace. Mine wasnt fully trained until 3/4. However, my kid knew the concept pretty early on and I think hers does too.
For example, he tells her when he has poop so they can go to the toilet. Mine for sure wasn't doing that at that age. When she told me this, I just said hey why not try pullups now? Seems like a logical step right? Nope hes still too small then when she did try it, it was "oh he hates them". I guess for me that just comes off as instant giving in. My opinion is that while you should never force a kid to do something but you still have to be consistent enough to make it a habit.
Funny enough, after I posted this yesterday, I got more confirmation of the different parenting styles. I guess her kid woke up today wanting cookies. Nothing unusual. Typical toddler behaviour. She tells me he basically had a meltdown and she didnt feel like arguing so he had em. Same thing for lunch except this time it was ice cream. Like just ice cream. Look I had my moments of weakness. I usually give in with electronics or staying up. So on one hand I get it, but for the important meals?? Especially twice in a row?? Yea this definitely might not be a long term relationship. *unknw*
She is going to treat you
and your daughter like she treats her son. If your standards don't match, you will have to decide how that works for you. If her son was having 'treats' around a healthy meal, that would be 'normal'. But if you dive in a little deeper you may find that he is not eating enough or properly or getting proper rest, because his mom is not making that happen for him. Missing food or naps will make that best of us "hangry" if not downright crazy., but when you are 3 your brain and body development is dependent on these very things to thrive and develop. His delays may be from neglect and not from issues he was born with, is he going to speech therapy? Personally, I have know women who are 'good mothers' on FB,but I wouldn't ltrust my dog with. Why make excuses for her behavior and not his, he is 3 years old, he got this way from somewhere in the last 1095 days.
Pushing forward despite your real concern and observations is contrary to the reason why you chose "to take it slow", as one should, because life kicks in after the hormones wear off, and you have a daughter who is influenced by your decisions about anyone you bring in her midst. We all have a story about something we overlooked that was really a dealbreaker, and how it came back like a boomerang. If you are dating for fun, keep it at that, but if you are seeking a life partner, you should weigh things carefully.
And please take a look at how much "drama" is going on in her life. If the word drama comes up frequently in her day to day conversations, because there's always some, drama going or she has a beef with everyone around her doing her wrong, but she is the common denominator,.hmmm. If that is the case, you will be her hero today and in 3 months you to will be on the "did me wrong" list, too even if you are still together. Not liking her child will be the last thing you will have to worry about, what if (down the road)she doesn't like your child, but you are already in "love" with her?
Well...
I think you should listen to your gut. Those of us who didn't now have to deal with teens and adults who are babied and get everything they want, alongside appalling manners and behaviour
I'm going against the
I'm going against the bandwagon on this one...
First, you've never even met the kid or observed your gf's parenting firsthand.
Second, you are comparing a 6 year old girl to a toddler boy. Stop it. In my experience, girls are generally much easier at these early ages.
My 4 year old has struggled with speech. That adds a whole new level of frustration for the parents and the child. If you couldn't effectively communicate your wants and needs, you'd probably kick off a time or two out of frustration, also. My son's cognitive abilities had nothing to do with my parenting style. I am a firm and somewhat strict parent and I have learned that methods I tried to use with him just aren't appropriate and often make things worse. I often didn't punish him for him for expressing frustration due to a delay over which he had absolutely no control. That was hard as it went against my parenting instincts.
His speech has made vast improvements in the past year with some therapy and a lot of work on my part. His tantrums, therefore, are now few and far between and align with a typical 4-year-old.
So before you write this kid off as a brat and his mother off as a piece of shit parent, maybe you ought to actually meet him?