Potential kids and dealing with the mom
So I am dating this guy who has 2 kids with an ex wife. I am struggling with the fact that she will forever and always be in our lives. It doesnt help that she is filled with drama and doesnt want me in my boyfriends or the kids lives to begin with. Like when the kids get excited to see me she makes them stop. She is always trying to talk to my boyfriend about things other than just the kids and it gets super annoying. He has talked to her about boundaries but it doesnt help. What I am also struggling with is the fact that the kids arent mine. Its like I will be with him and the boys and everything is great and then she calls or texts and its like a slap in the face that the kids arent mine. They are his and hers. She will always and forever be a part of the mix and Im not sure how to accept that or come to terms with that. Its like I feel like a third wheel in a realtionship. I am not looking forward to summer events with the kids sporting things and having to be around her. It is going to be very awkward and uncomfortable especially when I know she doesnt want me there. The sucky thing about all this is that him and I get along great. The only fights we ever have are over her. I can see myself marrying this man and he makes me extremely happy. I just let the ex get to me more than I should. Its not his fault. This is a situational problem that I am dealing with internally. Any advice or words of wisdom is appreciated.
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Advice?
Yes, RUN!!!!
GrabitAndGo is right: find a
GrabitAndGo is right: find a guy without kids. There will be ex gfs and maybe an ex wife, but make sure they're child-free.
It could be that this
It could be that this relationship is not the right one for you.
I have never felt like the third wheel with my DH, not even when we first started dating. I didn't care that they had a kid together, I knew he wanted to be with ME.
I guess you need to first figure out WHY you feel that way. Does your BF make you feel that way or do you think you would feel that way with any guy with kids, because they aren't your kids?
How often does he communicate with the ex? Some exes communicate way too much and have not really moved on from the relationship.
Sounds like you would fare better finding a guy with no kids.
Honestly he doesnt do
Honestly he doesnt do anything to amke me feel this way. It is totally internally. He tries really hard to make me feel included.
It just sucks that they arent my kids and I have to share them.
It also doesnt help that the ex wants him back and hates that the kids like me.
He doesnt talk to her unless its about the kids, her on the other hand talks to him a lot. He has tried to set boundaries but she doesnt follow.
How have you dealt with them having a kid together? Like them having to communicate about the kid or them both being at the kids events. How have you dealt with that?
It really does sound like you
It really does sound like you need to find a guy with no kids. You are too young for this and if you feel this way, now, you will really regret it, later The resentment will ruin anything good that you have with this guy.
How long have you been dating him?
I think i've identified the
I think i've identified the problem. You say the ex wants him back, communicates with him too much, and he has tried to set boundaries and she won't follow. This woman will plague you for *years*. She will always be able to hold the kids over his head and it sounds like he is the type who may give in out of fear she will "take" them. He has "tried." You are starting from a losing position. Unless he can actually establish boundaries you are comfortable with, why put yourself through this? You are 25 with no kids. You have the chance to build an intact family with someone if you choose, or live child-free if you choose. Don't do this to yourself.
The thing about boundaries is
The thing about boundaries is that you don't set them for someone else to follow. You have no control over what someone else chooses to do. You set boundaries to negate or minimize the effect that someone else's actions have on you. You set a boundary for what you will tolerate. If your SO sets a boundary with his ex and then she tries to over-step, he needs to shut it down each and every time. If she is calling, he simply doesn't take the call. If it is in person, then he walks away. He doesn't entertain her over-stepping his boundary - EVER. How can she talk to him if he doesn't allow it?
It is a given that they will sometimes both be at kid events. That doesn't mean they have to interact with each other at these events. Your SO can maintain a polite but distant relationship with his ex.
If he is able to do that and it still bothers you, then you should rethink whether this relationship is the one for you. He can be an amazing guy but that doesn't mean he is the amazing guy for you.
If you do not mind me asking
If you do not mind me asking how old are you?
I am 25
I am 25
I am 34 and made a decision
I am 34 and made a decision at your age to not date men with children because I never wanted kids. I also knew that dating a man with a child would be not the easiest road to navigate. I am a stepchild and stepmom who adopted her son and not expecting.
You are still young and honestly, if you are having these feelings now. I doubt they will ever go away even with another man. They are not your kids and if the mother is involved and around they never will be technically. That does not mean you can not build a relationship with them and be a parental figure for them. If you do not feel like you can do that, you need to cut and run.
It is ok if this is not the life for you and it is ok to admit that. Nothing wrong with that at all.
You are young and there are
You are young and there are many fish in the sea that haven't spawned with someone else. I think my first inclination would be to tell you to work on finding someone who matches your goals and your needs better.
But.. you do have to understand that these are not your kids. they aren't the "bonus kids" you see on the instagram stories.. these children are biologically your BF's and his EX's children. They will never by your children.. and you shouldn't expect them to favor you in any way over their biological parents. they can save two people from the volcano? sorry.. you are gonna go in.
Even if you like them..and you get along... they still have parents.. and that isn't your role really.
If you have a hard time working with that reality.. then this may be a relationship doomed for more heartache for you
Yes, if you want a family,
Yes, if you want a family, find someone to make one with. Don't settle.
I didn't want kids but if I had wanted them, I most likely would not have dated my DH.
I wouldn't stay in a
I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man IF IF IF, I felt the way that you do.
Maybe at your age (no disrespect) I would have thought---OH WOWWWW, lookkkkk, he is a REAL MANNNNNNNN he has CHILLL-drennn, the sex is amazing he LOVESSSS MEEEEE, lookkkk I can be a MOMMMMM...This dad wants ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEE, I must be so responsible because he picked MEEEEE,,I am soooooooooo honored of all the gals in town he picked ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEE. I AM SPECIAL
Paige at 25 I had school behind me and then started traveling all over the place AND I was working full time at a job I loved AND had fun at. . LIFE was wonderful.
Do yourself a favor---really think this through.
Take off any magical glasses you may have on---no this is not the brady bunch and NO you cant make this better. It will get worse.
GO have fun....find a man without kids. You will thank us later down the road.
Best wishes to you Paige. Oh one more thing...never move in to his place. FInd a roomate if funds are tight for your.