Should I stay or should I go?
I really need some guidance, I feel torn between my boyfriend, his child, and location:( Here's my back story...
I started dating my boyfriend (single dad of a 5yo boy) 2 years ago. The night I met him I "knew" he was the one I was going to marry. He has a son with an ex-girlfriend. They broke up when their son was just 6 months old. When he says he has no love for her, I believe him, but part of me still finds myself insecure about the situation beacuse he views her as a friend and someone that "knows him like the back of her hand". They talk almost daily some weeks about their son and the ex is often reaching out to him for parenting advice or to share in positive moments. She can also be very nosey. He is always trying to please her or avoid saying the "wrong thing". His concern with what he says to her frustrates me. The thought of her and hearing about her makes me sick to my stomach. I hate feeling this way.
On another note, I moved away from my hometown (city) to live with him (tiny town). I have always wanted to move to a different state and bigger city yet here I am in the middle of nowhere. Before I moved he agreed that we would move to the closest city that is an extra 30 mins from his son (1hr total). But 1.5 years later he is just now telling me that he may not want to move.
There is nothing to do in this town and no job opportunities for me. This makes me feel like he is only concerned about his happiness and not mine, if we say together. He has told me that if I decide to leave he will not try to make me stay becuase he wants me to be happy too.
Although, I cannot put into words how great our relationship is. He truly is amazing and we are an incredible match. I’m terrified I won’t find this again.
But I fear that I will grow to resent him or myself if I settle down in this small town. I also fear that I will regret settling down at 23 (now currently 25) with someone who already has a life established.
I'm not sure if I even want kids. He is okay with this but he also already has a child which makes me feel tied down at times.
Do I leave him to live in a place that would make me happy and risk not finding a great relationship or do I stay in a town I hate to be with someone I love?
Any advice? Anyone experience something similar?
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Comments
You are 25. You WILL find
You are 25. You WILL find someone else who is amazing and who doesn't have the baggage of a kid and an ex that he talks to everyday (and, yes, that is excessive) and that he is so eager to please.
He lied to you. He said what he needed to say to get you to move there. He can tell you all day long that he meant it when he said but I don't believe he ever intended to move further away from his son.
Yes, you will resent him, her, the kid, and yourself.
Go live your life, move to where YOU want to live. You will find someone better suited for you, with the same goals.
My fear is that he was not
My fear is that he was not completely honest with me about wanting to move but he did try. He got a new job closer to the city so we could move and that job unfortunately did not work out so we had to cancel our plans. He partially blames me for being the driving force. Now I think he doesn't want to try to move and is comfortable where he is.
23!!! Girl pack you stuff
23!!! Girl pack you stuff and go live your best life! You will
In one sentence you say that
In one sentence you say that you feel he is only concerned about his happiness and not yours. In the next you say he is amazing and you are an incredible match.
Read those two sentences again.
The reality is, he may not want to move that far away from his son. At least he told you before you were married, but it would have been nice to tell you before you moved. And yes, BM will be part of your lives forever. Hopefully with better boundaries than "she knows me like the back of her hand"; hopefully just as a co-parent and not "friend". That's a red flag there.
Honestly, he's not "amazing", he's just a guy, and a guy with baggage to boot. Even if he has some really great traits, the baggage might be a deal breaker.
I do see how those two
I do see how those two sentences contradict themselves:( I do think he cares about my happiness but not in a way to make sacrifices for me to be happy and to continue our relationship. He said if moving will make me happy, that’s what I should do.
Right - so you are expected
Right - so you are expected already to make all the sacrifices - and that will continue in the future. And having stepkids around means more sacrifices - of your time and his time with you. Read more posts on here and see if you are willing to deal with all of it.
That's his way of saying that
That's his way of saying that where he lives is more important than living with you. Take him up on that and go be happy.
You should move to an area
You should move to an area where you would thrive. At your age, you should be building your career and social network. Not slowly allowing your soul to die in podunk nowhere ville.
ETA: It sounds more like you are in love with being in love, than you are actually in love with him.
He likes podunk you like city. So you want to travel and he really isn't interested. You like a variety of foods/trying new things and he doesn't. You like DOING things and he just likes to chill.
What do you have in common?
Healthy, strong relationships are about so much more than "love". Love is NOT enough.
The list of things we have in
The list of things we have in common is endless. We really do compliment eachother. He is so kind to me and really treats me incredibly.
He is originally from the city but had his child in college. His ex is from a tiny town and after graduation she moved back home and he followed his son.
I hate to think this but if his child was not in the picture, I know he would follow me anywhere and we could be so happy. But his son comes first and I would never ask him to go to far from his son. That's why I was trying to compromise.
That's also why I'm having such a hard time deciding what to do. I'm scared to lose such a great person and afraid I won't find that again.
I'm told by friends and
I'm told by friends and family that I need to remember it's hard to find men like him and a relationship like ours.
But at the same time is that enough?
Is being happy with the person more important than location and what comes with that or vise versa?
how do you know
you have endless things in common? He already wasn't honest with you. He could be pretending to have things in common with you to continue baiting the trap.
Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
One GIGANTIC thing you DON'T have in common...his "first" family aka BM and his kid.
Most here have stood at the crossroads you are at now. The happy ones decided to bail.
But you are not happy.
But you are not happy.
Why do people say that? At
Why do people say that? At your age, there are loads of good men who are single and childless. Why are people making you think there is a shortage? And his kid exists, so you have to accept that he's part of the picture.
Here is the truth: love is
Here is the truth: love is not enough. You have to love YOUR life too. That includes your location, home life, career, career prospects, hobbies, activities. You get one spin through life, is this really how you want to live it? Look at the red flags.