My fiancé puts me last

Struggling in my two year long distance relationship with my fiancé. I live in NYC and he's in Canada, and he has three kids from his previous marriage. First off, his ex is a nightmare. Contacts him daily and always seeking attention from him. Everytime I come to Canada she gets so possessive and finds way to contstantly interrupt us and still treats him like her husband.

Then there are the kids. I have an attachment to all of them but there is no room or time for me or my needs. The oldest is autistic and is always starting drama and trouble. His other daughter is so co-dependent. She is always on top of him 24/7 and never leaves his side. 7am she's walking in our room to lay on top of him, all the way onto nighttime. She needs constant attention.

I love his kids so much but I'm beginning to be resentful of him. He never makes time to even show affection to me because he's more focused on his little one all of the time. When we're all together, he treats her like a queen and let's her act like however she wants. It freaks me out a bit because she looks just like her mom and he's most attached to her. When I discuss he gets mad and says I'm jealous of his daughter. I love his daughter but I do get annoyed with her constantly needing attention, and I'm left with zero at the end of the day.. I have needs too.

im at a loss idk what to do anymore. I don't think I can handle being last and feel like his whole family, including his ex-wife all come before me. And he wants me to leave my life in NYC for this. I fall into depression everytime I am here, hoping things will be better this time around, and things never change.

#frustrated #stepmom #feelingalone #overit

LizzieM's blog
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What's difficult is that it

What's difficult is that it sounds like you tried to communicate with him and was instantly met with invalidation of your feelings. Here's the thing- perception or reality- you're allowed to feel how you feel and just because it's inconvenient for him doesn't make you wrong. How long has he been divorced from BM? What are his boundaries like with her and his kids (adult time/kid time, date nights, etc.)? I'd suggest a loooong engagement and therapy to sort out family dynamics before a move and a wedding.

Do NOT move.

He is still enmeshed with his ex.

Who has primary custody or is it 50/50? It's not easy to build a relationship if his children are there every time you are.

Something to consider: he could become a full-time dad and have his kids 100% of the time. BM could pass away or become mentally/physically incapacitated.

He's not in a position to

He's not in a position to balance having kids with having a partner. Adding a partner into your life doesn't mean they help share responsibility or that they should accept less. It means, as a parent, you have to figure out how to give 100% to your kids AND 100% to your relationship. Few people figure out how to do that appropriately.

No one is worth your mental health. This isn't a you problem; it's a him problem, and you can't fix that. It's probably time to start cutting ties with him and find a partner - with or without kids - who can balance their priorities.

Absolutely this!

Why are you trying so hard to hang on to a relationship that isn't working? You are worth more! You are worth everything you NEED from a relationship AND MORE.

Stop selling yourself short by trying to make this relationship work. Time to cut ties and find a more suitable partner.

Is this relationship really

Is this relationship really worth it? He isn't even bothering to make time for you when you travel so far to see him. He has no idea about boundaries with his ex and, even if he did, he doesn't seem capable of enforcing them. His daughter is a mini-wife, walks all over him and he doesn't seem to understand that parenting doesn't mean he should be his kids' best friend. As for his son, autism doesn't explain nor excuse everything. Your bf isn't even listening to your concerns. Just being with them all makes you depressed. To round it all up, he puts all of them before you. What are you getting from this relationship? You do realize that none of this is going to get any better, don't you?

Is any of this worthwhile? How old are the kids? How long has he been divorced? How old are you? How did you meet him?

A good relationship should bring you happiness, joy, excitement. This one doesn't seem like it does any of that. Why not just chalk it up to experience and let him go?

Pay attention to this big red

Pay attention to this big red flag flying in your face right now. If you feel last now, when your relationship with your BF is still new and shiny, imagine how it will be when the glow of new love wears off.

It sounds like your BF lacks boundaries with BM, and with his daughter, at least. Yet he accuses YOU of being jealous and doesn't seem willing to discuss it with you. This man, who says he loves you, isn't willing to hear what you want and need? He doesn't want to do all he can to please you and provide happiness for you? Oh, wait, HE's getting along just fine so it's up to you to change what you need so that he's comfortable. No. That's not what love is.

What's in this relationship for you?

This situation has more red

This situation has more red flags than a Communist parade. The man's life is a dysfunctional mess!

Please, please don't sacrifice yourself at the alter of this Failed Family. Distance is the ONLY thing making this relationship seem viable. Think about how awful things are when you're there, and then imagine having to live with that 24-7. What misery.

You'll never find the right one while you're with the wrong one, OP. Cut this guy loose so you can find someone better.

As much as I'd like to defect

As much as I'd like to defect to Canada right now, if I were you I'd still throw this one back.

Make him your ex-fiance. If

Make him your ex-fiance. If you're coming last now, it's not going to get any better. He does not currently have the bandwidth for a new relationship, let alone a new marriage.