This is a tough one- advice for a friend
Ok, this is going to be crazy, bear with me
Over the weekend I spoke to a really close friend of mine who is in a very difficult situation. He is remarried (not legally). 2 kids from previous marriage/relationship (17&12) and 3 bio children with current spouse. (9,8,3). His current spouse has a daughter, age 11. When he got together with this lady, her kid was 3 months old and he took her in as his own child. She didn't know her own father so her whole life, he is her dad. About a year ago, him and his SO have been having several issues with their marriage, but no matter how difficult it's gotten, he's hung in there. He refused to end the relationship because he doesn't want to leave his children like he he had to leave his 2 oldest children in the past . He's really putting up with a lot of bs for the well being of his kids. And guys, he is such an amazing father.
So a year ago, something happened. His SO started for some reason making insinuations about him acting strange towards her daughter. His SD is very clingy and overbearingly affectionate, especially with him, and as much as he loves her as his own, he knows himself there should be limits as to how close she should get to him. He's told his SO this so many times and she never listens. So when she started making those assumptions, of course he was thrown off and hurt. Some time passed, nothing was done. A couple months back, another comment was made by SO insinuating that he must be doing inappropriate things or attempting towards SD. Why? No reason at all. SO was going to a meeting that morning and he would stay home. She needed to take her kid with her but she was still asleep, he simply suggested she not stress out and go herself and leave SD home to help with the kids once she's up. SO all of a sudden started making comments about "how convenient that would be for him" blah blah. He is confused as to why these thoughts have been put into her mind. They've been together for 10 years.
It's obvious there is barely a relationship between them now because of this. Just last weekend again, these accusations arose. This time it was bad. My friend and his SO went to a meeting for work for a couple hours and left his SD in charge of the 3 littles. Not more than half hour later he received a call from one of his daughters saying he needed to come home immediately, SD was acting strange. So they rushed back home to find the 3 littles locked in a room while SD was holding a knife, telling them she would kill them and herself. They tried to call her down, she started claiming she was the devil herself and that she would destroy him, etc. It got bad. They called a couple friends from church over to help on a spiritual side and they went into a room to talk to her. SD ended up saying the same crazy shit to them and also told them that my friend was abusing her. After these people confronted him and started accusing him, she got out the room saying it was all a lie, she was kidding, she made everything up. But of course, they remained doubtful.
Fastforward to Sunday, he and his SO spoke to the church pastor about the situation, to see if he was guilty or not. They ultimately found him innocent since obviously his SD is mentally unstable. His marriage is destroyed, and he no longer feels secure in his own home. It's crazy because you never think a woman would lie in these circumstances, always the man is to blame. But I am 100% sure he is not that type of man.
Tell me, does a child who suffers abuse remain super loving and close to the abuser? Does she remain playful and joyful?
Does a wife and mother truly remain under the same roof and in the same bed with a man if they even had the slightest thought this man is harming her child? I sure as hell wouldn't.
This is why it's not true. His SD is so self centered and spoiled and manipulative (like her mother) and will do ANYTHING for attention.
My question is, what to do now? He wants to leave her but can't because of his children, he wants to stay and work it out, but whose to say it won't become a worse situation in the future?
What do you advise him to do?
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Comments
Shouldn't the Pastor have
Shouldn't the Pastor have reported all of this to CPS? Honestly it sounds like your "friend" whose not even legally married is in some type of cult. And yes people who are sexually abused remain open and loving with their abusers it can be part of a coping mechanism. I think you need to distance yourself from all of this.
Is it possible that he could
Is it possible that he could actually be abusing her? I’d hate for that to be the case, but is it possible he’s telling you what you want to hear? Either way this marriage is done. He should fight for 50/50 for his biological kids & never be alone with his non-bio daughter again.
Trust me, I've thought about
Trust me, I've thought about it too. But I know them of many years, if anything, she is the one who need to learn to have boundaries. Her mom has never cared to teach her to dress appropriately for her age, to not act certain ways, etc. She is 11 and feels like a 17 year old. Her mom spoils her like crazy while she mistreats her and my friends biokids. There is obvious favoritism towards her own daughter. She's your typical "I want to be popular and the center of attention" type of kid. I'm not saying it's the kids fault. Kids are a reflection of us, the parents. He's raised her just like all his other children, she didn't even know he was not her father until just recently BECAUSE she's been developing very disrespectful behaviors towards him. And anytime he tries to correct her (I've seen this) like "don't wear this, don't sit like that, act lady like, stop jumping on me, etc. " Her mother gets mad at HIM for trying to correct her . It's just so obvious his wife and now her kid are out to get him.
Lol sorry, what do you mean
Lol sorry, what do you mean by cult?
And yeah I get that it may seem crazy and like I said in the post, women seem to have more power when it comes to these types of situations. But not all men are evil and not all women are innocent.
His wife/gf has a history of manipulating and lying and is just a toxic person overall. The only reason he's stayed with her is because he doesn't want to damage his young children the way he feels he damaged his older kids by leaving their mother after she cheated on him.
It also came to be known that his MIL in Mexico is very active in witchcraft, so in reality he is not much the problem.
I'm confused by this,
I'm confused by this, "Fastforward to Sunday, he and his SO spoke to the church pastor about the situation, to see if he was guilty or not. They ultimately found him innocent since obviously his SD is mentally unstable." Why would the people in the church know one way or the other if he was guilty?
And to answer one of your questions - Yes, kids who are abused often "remain super loving and close to the abuser." They can also be "joyful."
Well basically it was just a
Well basically it was just a conversation to figure out what was going on, like therapy. The problem is, this is not the only issue his SO has provoked to gain sympathy and attention. She obviously does not want to be with him anymore or something but refuses to let it end like two mentally stable adults would, in peace for the well being of their kids.
The confusing part is, she pretends to be a loving and caring wife in public, like they have the perfect family and marriage. When this is not the reality. After the first time she started making accusations, she pretended nothing ever happened and he was dumbfounded. This is obviously not something to play about and his SO seems to take it super lightly.
So they rushed back home to
If you come home to this, a call to your church friends is the wrong call. A call to 911 for transport to a psychiatric hospital is the one you should make. This is not a spiritual crisis; it is a psychiatric crisis.
So if the pastor said he was guilty, he would have agreed?
Your friend needs to speak to someone not affiliated with this church.
Right.
Right.
I'm going to second the cult question.
Yes that is exactly the issue
Yes that is exactly the issue. His SO just cannot keep from running her mouth with irrelevant people. She likes attention and sympathy as I mentioned before. Both my family and this family are very involved in the church so it does play a big part for us. But he's always had the issue with her that instead of resolving their issues themselves or with the appropriate authorities, she always want to get her friends and fellow church people involved .
He doesn't need her
He doesn't need her permission to call the authorities when SD HAS A KNIFE IN HIS KIDS' FACES THREATENING TO END THEM.
Your friend is half the problem here. Had he called 911, he could have left with all his kids and likely gotten a restraining order against SD for his kids. If his wife started the "he abuses her" crap and knows it's a lie, ALL the kids end up in foster care because she's be seen as just as culpable as him for not protecting her kids.
There is no peaceful way out of this most likely, so he needs to take the bull by the horns and get ready for a knock-down, drag-out fight. He either is molesting his SD or he isn't and her mental health issues are concocting this whole thing. The wife is feeding this sick dynamic, either by keeping her daughter in the same house as her molester OR by not taking seriously the threats of a clearly troubled child.
At this point, I'd stop worrying about your friend and start worrying about his kids. Perhaps an anonymous call to DCS about the knife incident is in order to wake both these idiots up from their game-playing stupor.
I totally agree, I honestly
I totally agree, I honestly don't know why he didn't do that in the first place. I'm guessing shock is what kept him from reacting?
You have to understand, this
You have to understand, this is how a lot of evangelicals/christians deal with this kind of thing. They also never report to authorities. This is why domestic abuse, sexual abuse is so rampant in the churches and hidden behind closed doors. It doesn't mean it's a cult...it's actually quite common approach in MOST church circles. I say this from experience.
I mean, the pastor they
I mean, the pastor they talked to is a very fair man, he has a lot of experience in the field of psychology. And I know that if he were to feel that the allegations were true, I'm sure he would have called authorities. But like i said before, anyone who knows our friend's SO, knows she's the biggest attention seeker, so the problem starts with her. This is not the first time she creates drama in her own home. 2 years ago she started making accusations that he was being unfaithful to her, and instead of dealing with the issue themselves, she then also called the pastor's of the church. She wants to gain sympathy from others and play victim always.
I don't know how he handles to stay with her honestly .
He needs to get himself and
He needs to get himself and his kids out of there, quickly. This relationship is OVER no matter what did or didn't happen between SO and SD.
In answer to your question: " Tell me, does a child who suffers abuse remain super loving and close to the abuser? Does she remain playful and joyful? " Yes, it's possible. There is no one way that abused children behave. Some even see the abuse as a positive thing between them and their abuser. It's no good you picking bits of behaviour and saying that this is likely proof that the abuse didn't happen. I'm certainly not saying it did, but if accusations have been already flung around there is really no hope for your friend with his partner and kids. I would advise him to leave straight away.
The reason he chooses to
The reason he chooses to stick around is because his wife openly mistreats his kids while favoring her own kid. He feels that if he were to leave, she will treat them even worse. I've told him that if his plan is to gain custody of his children, he could easily use that in his favor.
Why does he have no contact
Why does he have no contact with his other children?
The bottom line is that despite the child's behavior in some ways seems happy or normal.. she is also exhibiting very troubling behavior as well. She very well could be a victim of abuse.. from your friend or from another person. Or she could suffer from a mental illness or other medical condition causing episodes.
I completely disagree with going to a pastor to figure out his guilt.. what kind of craziness is that? Was the child interviewed by someone truly qualified? or was she even part of this discussion?
I believe a pastor is in a category of people who are obligated to report abuse allegations.. if he hasn't done that... he is not following proper protocal. The pastor is not qualified to make a determination of guilt or innocence.
Your friend needs legal help... possibly both family law and criminal law. He might be getting set up by BM.. the child may be mentally ill.. or he may be guilty as sin of what he is being accused of.
That is the only advice he really needs is to seek legal advice.. and in all likely hood his marriage is over.. he needs to move forward on that front and protect himself.
To answer your first question
To answer your first question: he does have contact with his older children. They were very young when he and their mom broke up due to her infidelity. They're mom was evil enough to fill their heads with lies saying he left because he didn't love them etc. He feels guilty for leaving then although he had no fault for the death of their relationship.
Also, yes I agree church should not have been involved in any way. He should have made a call to appropriate authorities the day they saw she had a knife in her hand while threatening everyone. I'm almost positive it was his wife who did not allow it since she's always coddling this behavior of hers. She is obviously mentally ill and her mother does nothing about it. He did mention that when his SO was speaking to these pastor's, she mentioned her daughter had already been through some trauma, and also that she was abused herself by her step father when she was very young. so it's obvious that his SO is somehow traumatized and is looking for someone to blame, idk.
He can leave her, he’s a
He can leave her, he’s a grown up. With the accusations he needs to get legal advice. The church clearly cannot help solve this problem fully for you friend.
I am wondering why you know so much about this married (not married?)mans life. Is he intending on moving on to you? Is this an emotional affair?
But yes, it would be a good idea for him to go (so it’s up to you what you do at the end of the day...)
it says you are in a relationship with someone else, but I’m not sure being this involved will come to any good for you.
Lol no none of that, he is
Lol no none of that, he is like 20 years older than me
. He is a family friend both DH and I's. We've known them for many years and visit each other constantly, which is why I know so much about their everyday life. We all go waaay back.
I'm not trying to get involved, the day after this all happened, he came over to let us know of the situation in case anything goes wrong, he wants us to take control of his customers and his company. I just wanted some advice as to what he may be able to do in the situation .
Get out
He needs to get out. So many stay for the chidren. Is there a way that he can file for full custody?
If he chooses to stay, he can invest in nanny cams to record SD's antics and keep himself protected from accusations.
He needs to also document everything possible and seek legal counsel.
I did suggest he file for
I did suggest he file for full custody. He just thinks that the system seem to favor women over men, so I guess he's afraid he'll waste time.
Didn't think about the nanny cams, good idea!