I just NEED to know
So we're back at it with the SD visitations EVERY weekend. *help* I know, exhausting.
Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I've told DH that I would love to have a weekend a month, at least, to spend with my own little family. (Our baby, him and I) I am aware that I am not obligated to see his kid as my family and as a disengaged SM, I'm doing just that. Here's what I mean: Sometimes I'd love to plan a family beach day, or a road trip, or something of the sort, that would require us being out of town for most of the weekend. This is not something we would be able to do with SD without BM later accusing DH of being a bad parent due to any mosquito bites, sunburn, scrape, any NORMAL injury a child might get. Not to mention, SD is overly clingy and super needy. I just feel that it is common sense, we should not have to put our lives on hold, just because SD is not here. I deserve to be able to spend time and do things with my own family. At least one weekend a month. Is this too much to ask?
DH swears I'm being unreasonable. His argument: she's not bothering you when she's here. Oh, but she is. I hate having to tiptoe around her all the time, we can't be ourselves around her, DH acts so different when she's here and I can't bear it. I hate that the world revolves around her and what her mother wants every weekend. If BM says "drop her off now" whether it is 4pm on Sunday or 8pm Saturday, that MUST be done. (DH doesn't have the balls to say no, that's a different problem) . We have to drop whatever we're doing, to accommodate Biohags wishes. And somehow, DH thinks this is fair to me?
is it truly wrong for me to get a weekend or 2 a month to myself and my family? Is it just me who thinks a man should feel sh*tty if his wife has to BEG, crying, for him to want to dedicate a couple days to his wife and child?
*His second argument: I spend all week with you.
WRONG. He works Monday-Friday ALL DAY. (I know it's necessary, nobody's blaming him for this) but when he gets home, its late, he's tired. And I get it. But it's not the same, how can he thinks that's all I should get and I should settle to that? He gets home, we have dinner, he washes up, watches TV, plays with the baby for 20 minutes and all to sleep. That's it. But I have to be okay with that according to him.
he wanted to get other people's perspective, am I truly wrong for wanting time to ourselves?
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No, you aren't wrong. You're
No, you aren't wrong. You're also not wrong in wanting him to learn to stand up to BM so you can take SD withyou to do fun stuff as well.
Another issue! I don't
Another issue! I don't understand why he is so afraid of her. There is absolutely nothing she can do against him, I've made sure of this and he knows. Hopefully he'll change soon.
Of course not.
Of course not. You and your joint child get a couple hours of tired work night dad. His older child gets two full days of rested fun dad. Why would you not want to have fun dad to yourself once in a while? Why is she the only one who deserves him?
The thing these men tend to forget is that they were once upon a time this fun guy for you and you fell in love with that man. There was plenty of time just for the two of you. Then you married them and they turned into some guy who doesn't want to do ANYTHING unless their kid is duct taped to them. And they wonder why you are sad and disappointed all the time. Maybe because there was a massive bait and switch?????
EXACTLY. Thank you!
EXACTLY. Thank you!
You are NOT wrong! DH needs
You are NOT wrong! DH needs to understand that SD is not your family and 100 percent of weekends don't belong to her.
i was legit about to consider divorce when my DH told me that he would not go to Disney without his kids going. Anywhere else is fine but not Disney. Fine except Disney is my favorite place I would only vacation there ever if I could.
i told him that I am not putting my life on hold to cater to his kids. I literally have not been too fond of him since the day he said that.
Divorce has also been
Divorce has also been considered due to this issue. As petty as it may seem, it feels as if DH is willing to put anyone else's needs and wants above those of his own wife. I feel that it is terrible that I have to literally beg him to spend time with us. What a shit, narcissistic man would go that low? That he can't find it in his own heart to dedicate time to his family? This just makes me rethink my whole marriage, I am truly hurt by his blindness.
Every weekend wouldn't be as
Every weekend wouldn't be as bad if your DH would stick to his guns with BM about pickups/drop offs etc... If he would tell BM to stuff it.. kids get mosquito bites.. or a scraped knee.. it happens... let her call CPS for this..lol.
I think what appears to him to be unreasonable.. is that you seem to want to do the fun outings.. "as a family".. and to you that doesn't include SD.. while she is a part of the family to HIM. I am not saying you can't go for ice cream when she isn't there.. but to purposefully try to plan to do fun things when she won't be there probably strikes him as a bit mean.
He needs to work on the issues that make doing these things difficult. Maybe you could suggest that he try to see if it would be possible for him to do a weeknight dinner the week before and after a "miss weekend".. so he isn't going almost 2 weeks without seeing her?
We do plenty of fun things
We do plenty of fun things when she is around, I don't think it is "mean" for me to want to do things with our child and us as well. It can't be that I have to give up all weekends for the next 10 years of my life. I don't mind him doing stuff with his kid during the week or whatever. But I'd like a weekend or 2 to ourselves.
She's not calling you mean,
She's not calling you mean, just pointing out how your DH likely sees it. most divorced parents want to spend as much time with their child as possible. If he's only gettin gher 8 days a month, that's not a lot of time with SD in his eyes.
So to him, you're asking him to lose time with his daughter.
Also to him, SD IS family, so to him you're excluding her.
She's not accusing, just trying to show you what your DH is likely seeing and feeling and hopefully spark some nice communication between you two to figure it out
Or at least OP can go out
Or at least OP can go out with her husband, alone, on the weekend? What about a babysitter/child minder? I mean, what's with the fear of hiring someone to watch the kids for an evening? DH wouldn't do this either - it was absolutely perplexing. I just started doing things without him.
Men and women have very
Men and women have very different ideas about quality time. For men often being in the same space is enough. You want change, this is where I would change. Don't be there your one weekend a month. Go visit family, see a girlfriend, take a weekend at the beach. Leave him home with SD. At worst, you still get a weekend free of SD, at best & most likely, He will change his tune.
Nope, not wrong.
Nope, not wrong.
I never would have wanted to have every weekend with my SD.
This was a major issue for me and like you i had 2 young
toddlers, a husband who left for work before 7am and got home at 9pm if lucky. When he got home he didn’t want to deal with a crying baby. He would eat, shower and sleep so during the week no me time or alone time with hubby yet he jumped at last minute meetups for his kids with exwife and would leave Saturday morning before 11am and back home 8.30pm.
My husband played chauffeur picking up 2 adult skids n sd14 who lives with adult sd and they would eat at a restaurant.
trust me my husband came home to a severely hormonal bitch wife. My final limit is when it was the 4th or 5th time this happened and i had given kids dinner early before he got home and when hubby got home i went to our bedroom upstairs, locked the door and gave the kids a bath and straight to bed.
hubby slept in the spare bedroom that night. He sure tried to play innocent victim the next day how he did no wrong. Then i spelled out the 20 min him playing on his phone or sleeping when our kids were with him does not equal quality time and that it was unfair 2 toddlers got no time for daddy byt he would move heaven and heart for a whole day out with skids whilst i was stuck at home with 2 toddlers living life as a single mum and hubby acted like a fun bachelor.
lets not start with sd non stop rants on bio mum and step dads daily life schedule and rundown. My husband was forced to change quick or divorce # 2 would promptly be on its way!!
I always question if BM has
I always question if BM has something on the DH when he is so submissive to her and jumps to her command, against the bettering of his own family.
Regardless, ya, I would not agree to this. Three weekends a month and perhaps a dinner a week here and there should suffice.
Ugh!
you're living my life 16 yrs ago!!
EVERY weekend, the scared shitless of BM, the disney daddy, the "we see each other all week" (TM) bullshit, the no adult time, the no CO, the ad hoc non-schedule, the drop everything for the BM and "sake of the kiiiiiids" (TM), the ferality of three cloven-hooved peccories...
If I were standing in my former (your) shoes right now, I'd tell my former self (and you) to RUN!!!
He now wants us to speak to
He now wants us to speak to the pastor at the church we attend. I do NOT want to do that. I'd rather speak to someone who doesn't know us personally, also, this would be a last attempt for me. I want to think he is grown up enough to try to communicate with his own wife and resolve our issues first, rather than involving other people. I then mentioned that I've written a blog about our current situation and shared a few responses with him. His response? Those people don't know what they are talking about. Why? Because they are not fully agreeing with you and your selfishness? Okkkk
He is going to be SO
He is going to be SO disappointed when the pastor agrees with you.
Have you told him that you don't like feeling like a roommate that is also a FWB? Because that is how he is treating you. Your marriage won't survive if he won't take time for you - a successful couple needs work, decidation, it doesn't just "happen" which is what he seems to believe. Good grief, it's not as if you're asking for the moon, just the occasional date night, right?