I feel you should have been included. I think when it comes to an elderly benefactor, in a perfect world the chief beneficiary of that benefactor should be the one that's providing him the most care.

From how you're describing things the SD is not the right choice because she's just going to get something and isn't actually caring about the individual, the elderly man.

I must say I understand your disgust at the entire process. before my grandfather died, all my family members gathered around the table with the lawyer, I remember this meeting. Grandpa was matter-of-factly there as well. uncles and aunts and other hangers-on all flew out that never came out to visit him and hardly ever called just to see what piece of the pie they would get. I became disgusted with the entire process and had to excuse myself. At the time, I was the primary caregiver, to which my mother eventually took over. However as things turned out he made his oldest son the executor of the estate even though his oldest son is a douchebag prat. So oh well. I guess the lesson should be that if you're providing care for an elderly person don't expect proportional recompense for it. Just do it to do it. There might have already been some kind of system setup where undeserving people get things they don't deserve. That's life I guess.

Try to remove yourself emotionally from the process. If you have become attached to the elderly man, then enjoy him while he's here, and let the others worry about fighting over the scraps from his table.

Of course, you should have been included.

My DH is a HORRIBLE communicator and would say he didn't even think about discussing with me.

That excuse would just make it worse.

Hey? Your not mistaken in what you are experiencing. It is not what healthy men do in relationship to a grown daughter, nor a wife. It is really infuriating, and slippery to explain to someone who has not been discounted and then shined on over the whole real problem. The list of reasons in your post are all the bullshit distractions your H has used to fragment your really accurate perception of his disloyalty.

Nothing, NOTHING he says is valid when you insert the fact that you are "wife". You signed on for a partner and some honor, unique and elevated above anyone else in that man's plans for the future. 

He lied. Or he changed his mind. At your continuing expense. It's not ok.

Of course you don't want fil to have a crummy end of life. Of course you don't want to dismantle some family property legacy. No one who is balanced would even think that. You want to be respected and not used. 

You should be respected and never used.

I'm angry, on your behalf, that you have to keep justifying your needs this way. It's a bewildering way to live.

1.  Yes of course he should include you on plans.. especially those that might impact you.. PLUS.. you sound like a reasonably intelligent woman.. so maybe you might have some good suggestions to HELP them.

2.  I think that there is a solution to helping to keep the property in the family.. and even for the benefit of SD23.. but in order to do this.. it is going to require some big changes.

First,  What about the possibility of SD23 moving in with FIL to help him?  Your DH could pitch in as relief.. and yes.. even you might want to help a bit as well.. and the younger GD too.. it might be enough to keep him out of a nursing home.. maybe finding an elder daycare situation.  I am not saying she necessarily has to bathe him etc.. but she could help him around the house.. make sure he is ok.. just basic oversight.. seeing he has meals.. basically just "being there" at night in case he needs assistance.  In the end.. SHE is getting the benefit of this property and SHE has a vested interest in keeping it right? SHE should be expected to have some skin in the game.  Her father should insist.  added bonus is that she could live there rent free? to sweeten the pot for her.

Alternately, if FIL does have to go in to a home.. SD could live there... and she could pay rent while he is in nursing.. which could extend the time that he has resources of his own to pay for the care.  in the end.. a reverse mortgage might help bridge that gap.. and SD would need to decide if she wanted to take that over at his passing.

Well, I guess I wonder - why doesn't he WANT to include you? As his wife, you'd think he'd want your advice and perspective on the matter, but he doesn't.  That speaks volumes to me - my DH sees me as someone whose input and advice he values, not someone he just has to "keep in the loop". 

So again, it goes back to SD being more of a "partner" for him than you are.  And why is this house going to her, and not to him first? 

You say:   "I've not spoken to my husband in two days over this.  It isn't JUST this, it's a MOUNTAIN of things over the course of 15 years" 

Probably time to start talking to him about them if you want any kind of future together.  If not, it's probably not worth the effort which is going to be vast. 

How is that going to be paid for ?  Unless SD name on the farm for seven years.  The nursing home and the state will basically take the farm to pay for FIL care,  At $ 25 yo 30 k a month that money and farm will be gone in a year or two. 
 

I’m beyond disgusted that your H is planning to put the farm in his name to ensure it goes to his daughter, instead of ensuring there are enough funds to house and care for his elderly father. The fact this man took him in and cared for him when he & his wife didn’t need to do that makes your H’s actions that much more revolting.

Exactly what does he think is going to happen to his father? Is he ok with his father being homeless in his last years, all so precious poopsie gets the free ride she’s always wanted? Your husband is mentally ill. I just can’t even..

My husband has never included me in things and I've not ever felt quite like the roll of a wife within an EQUAL married partnership.

it's them and my husband while I stand on outside of that circle looking in.

People talk about society and certain members of families not treating the current wife as THE wife, but there are husbands who treat their own wives as outsiders, as well. Yours is one of them.

Do you think that if your husband were still married to BM, he would be discussing this stuff with her, instead of their daughter? I feel certain that he would be.

You are the one he is married to, you are the one he should be discussing this with but, somehow, since he and BM are divorced, your SD has been moved into that slot, instead of you.

I'm sorry, that's got to be a sucky feeling.

It seems, like myself, you collect things, until the buildup has grown to be too much.

When MIL was too frail to take care of herself, her children/grandchildren took turns taking care of her because the cost of elder care in a facility was too much. Plus she wanted to be in her own home. None of us wives/husbands/SO's. It was all "family".

After a while, my BIL who was living there found it too much, so she would cycle through the different homes for the weekends. Its HARD! Elder care is one of the most difficult typs of care because thats your PARENT, and they are needing care that a child needs, and many times there is some dementia, and they know how to upset their children emotionally. My BIL's and SIL's and the grands were all reduced to tears most weekends. ME - I didnt understand her )she was speaking in another language...) and when I would spend time with her, it was mostly just sitting beside her.

I canot imagine what these people are thinking. Elder care is no joke. Are you going to bear the brunt of this? Who do they think is going to live with FIL? Who is going to be doing the care????

And that SD23 miniwife gold digger. So NOT fair that she is the inheriter after doingzero to care for FIL. So much entitlement.

Your Husband (no longer shall he be designated DH) is a failure as a husband in my book. This is something that I harp on ALL the time - I MUST be included in discussions that affect me. Im 5.5 years in, youve been in this a lot longer. Im married 1.5 years. But I insist on being consulted on things.

The excluding of you - well whats the point of THAT?

Time for either an exodus on your part or a REALLY harsh "come to J moment" with the H.

Many elderly people want to protect their assets for their heirs  and to keep it out of the hands of govt bureaucrats.
 

When my granddad died my grandmother could not stay in their home.  She has mid stage dementia and needed 24/7 oversight.  We sold her home and moved her near the family where we could all visit with her regularly.

All if her assets were divided between my dad, my brother and I.  This was what she and grandad wanted in the event they were not able to manage their own affairs.  Her SSI went directly to the elder car facility where she lived.  The difference between her SSI income and the cost of her care we rotated between us each month out of her resources.  
 

This was to allow us to provide for her care and quality of life rather than turning it all over to the government.  Once the post distribution time period had passed it could no longer be taken by the government if her condition would have required moving her to an old school nursing home under Medicare/Medicaid.

The facility where she lived was incredible.  Pretty much a cruise ship on land.  It was a lock in facility primarily for Alzheimer's and dementia patients.  It was built in a figure 8 format with each resident having their own apartment around the figure 8.  At the center of the figure 8 were two courtyards where there were garden plots for residents to garden, porch swings and outdoor tables, seating, lounges etc...  There was a "restaurant" where residents could take their meals or meals could be served in the resident's apartment.  There was a movie "theater" (room), a salon wher residents could get their hair done, game rooms several large living rooms.  It was a rocking place.  The residents would take walks around the figure 8, visit with each other, go "out" to dinner at the restauramt, go to dances or a movie, it really was a great place.  Local merchants would come in once a month for market day and the residents could do their "shopping".  There were were a couple of community cats and dogs which were considered their pets by many of the residents.  Those were son spoiled animals. 
 

The exit doors all had coded locks to keep residents from wandering.

My grandmother never had to go into a Medicaid/Medicare  funded nursing home.  She passed away peacefully in her apartment in the parking lot cruise ship.  Those years were very happy ones for my grandmother.  She had a blast.  She won the beauty pageant two years in a row, laughed, danced, took walks to visit ever one she ran into on the figure 8 promenade.  Her assets gave her a great end of life and we made sure that her assets were not squandered by the government on crappy care in a human warehouse.  

When she passed her remaining assets were returned to our dad by my brother and I.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the resources of the elderly out of the hands of bureaucrats.  

First, yes, I'd want to know what was going on and find it strange you weren't at least in the loop.

Second, whether your SD actually gets the property if your FIL goes into a nursing home remains to be seen. It's a good thing they're contacting an attorney, since Medicaid has a "look back" provision that examines any assets either given away or transferred for less than the market value within a certain period of the time the person applies for Medicaid. The rules vary by state. And the reason for that is NOT to keep someone's property out of the hands of "government bureaucrats," but to keep us TAXPAYERS from paying for free care for someone who had assets that could have been sold to pay for his or her care but got rid of them surreptitiously.