Husband cosigned for SD a car loan behind my back
I haven't been on here for a while as I've disengaged from my 2 young adult SD's.
I accidently found out yesterday that my husband cosigned for oldest SD to buy a second vehicle, it happened 3 years ago, he never told me. He never even mentioned going with her to look at it. I knew she got a second vehicle but made the assumption she did it on her own.
She was 22 at the time, working a full time job, living with her boyfriend who is now her husband, already had a primary car but wanted this Jeep Wrangler so she could try to look "cute". He also cosigned for the 1st car which I knew about.
I am pretty furious over it. There has been a continuous history of him coddling this SD who will be 25 soon. She lives rent free with her husband in a house my husband inheritated. When she was moving in he didn't even tell me they were going to start living there.
When I confronted him yesterday over cosigning for the Jeep he claimed he couldn't remember if he did or not and said even if he did what's the big deal because it didnt cost us anything. I know she is not the kind of person to default on a loan but the point is he is constantly hiding things from me with her. He completely ignored how all of this made me feel. Zero self awareness.
I am hurt, very angry and feel betrayed.
Am I overeacting?
I'd be upset, too
I separated our finances over similar incidents with DH coddling SD60. It has given me great peace of mind.
It's not whether he did these
It's not whether he did these things or not.. he wasn't honest with you about what he was doing. If this in any way could have impacted your own borrowing as a couple.. that would be a huge problem for me.
Now... I guess "knowing" that she was not the kind of person to default.. I guess your acknowlegement and "agreement" that it would have been ok for him to cosign on something maybe wouldn't have been unreasonably withheld. but he made the decision FOR you.
I would not be mad at HER at all.. she didn't lie to you to get the loan.. HE did. This is a breakdown of trust in your relationship with him.. THAT is a big deal.
This has little to do with his daughter other than it was her situation that caused him to break your trust.. it was his choice though
Dang
When he treats his relationship with SD like a secret mistress, then know there are TONS of shit going on behind your back. You only caught one of many many more. Your DH is such a liar. He doesnt remember...then followed with a defense.
Your trust will never be the same. So he lets princess live rent free in a house he inherited. Great, guess the Queen, which is you, gets to live rent free and more.
Sure its his daughter and he can do what he wants. BUT you are the wife and its YOU he should be rolling out the red carpet. Remember that and act the part.
Dang hope you have your wills done and you both are clear, so there are no surprises if DH passes before you.
Blessings
I'd be upset too. She didn't
I'd be upset too. She didn't even NEED a car. It's not like he was supporting something important. Being "cute" was enough. Even if she wouldn't default, circumstances change and your assets were at risk. That is the point of having a co-signer. And it sounds like you might have even agreed to accept the risk knowing that she is responsible. There is no reason at all to have kept this information from you.
Secrets in a marriage are poison.
Trust
If you still want to be married to this liar, go to a lawyer and get a post-nuptual agreement done. That way you will be protecting your financial interests. BUT --- will you ever be able to trust your DH? It is obvious he isn't taking your trust in him seriously. If he gets away with it once I can guarantee he will do it again. Protect yourself or go to a therapist and find out why you are remaining married to a man who does not value your trust.
You're not overreacting
If its 'no big deal' to him than why does he hide it from you?
If he wants to let SD play house in a place he inherited, ok, that's one thing. But co-signing impacts your joint credit history. He should have consulted you before doing anything.
Separate accounts
This is why I insisted we have separate accounts when we got married (2nd marriage for both). He pushed to have combined accounts and I refused.
ohhhh he forgot!!!! Sure..
ohhhh he forgot!!!! Sure...sure...was that because he got concussion from falling over from kissing sd's arse?! Or because this one loan is just the tip of the iceberg of a long gratuitous list of loans, gifts and acts of extreme indulgence to the point they are merging?!
Yeah, your DH is acting so blasé about this and it sounds like he is used to disrespecting you, your marriage and lying to shield his behaviour with sd. The lying would a huge issue.
Tell him to co-sign the divorce papers.
Then shit can the lying sneaky failed family spawn coddling POS.
He Doesn't Remember Co-Signing on a LARGE LOAN?? Yeah, right!
Sounds like he knows if he shares this information with you it's going to upset you and cause him agony, so he just doesn't.
You're not overeacting. You have been betrayed, and he knows what he's done, but figures he has gotten away with it for 3 years, so why say anything? Betrayal hurts, especially when it comes from the ONE PERSON you're supposed to be able to trust and count on. This is not the way to operate a marriage.
Do you share a bank account with him? If the daughter goes into default, will it have an impact on YOUR FINANCES?
Keep us in the loop.
Agree
I agree - you have been betrayed by the man who is supposed to have your back. This includes exposing you to potential financial problems. If you want to stay with this man please protect yourself financially. Put all of your money into private accounts (your name only), and get ready for the ride which means you will be having to take care of all of your needs by yourself, and you will have to be vigilant in case another situation like this comes up - and it will. Make a list of your wants, needs, values and negotiables, then see how many of these items DH takes care of. I know you are hoping things will change for the better, and DH will eventually adjust to your expectations. This rarely happens, and it is very deflating to admit defeat, but I can assure you, living by yourself is a lot better than living with the uncertainty.
Wow!
Even if it didn't cost you financially, the price was paid in a big loss of trust and respect.
He needs to be accountable for telling you everything with potential of effecting you and your finances, in case she did default.