What to do with SD21's bedroom since she quite coming to our house?
Quick backstory, been with my husband 16 years. I moved into the family home. YSD is now 21, hasn't come for her visitation week in 3 years, since she turned 18. She has over time taken just a few things out of her room that she wanted and hauled them to BM's. Between my DH and I, there is 4 children and she is the youngest and only child that still has a bedroom in our house (the other 3 are moved out and married).
I would really like to clean her room out and make it into a useful room for us. We have a 4 bedroom house but the other two spare rooms are either used for storage or a guest bedroom. Her room is still like she left it, dirty clothes in her hamper from 3 years ago. I just feel somewhat uncomfortable going in there and cleaning it out and I feel even more uncomfortable asking my husband to have her come clean her room out. I would like all her furniture out as well, it's furniture geared towards a small child that BM's Dad made her when she was a toddler.
I know asking her to come get her things is going to raise a bunch of crap with her and BM. That was their "family" home for 3 years before me and that was Princess's (YSD) childhood bedroom. BM has always thought she still had a say over our home. (BTW this house is also in my name if that really makes a difference). But at one point do you say, ok this is my home, you haven't stayed here in 3 years and this is no longer your room?
Thoughts?
But at one point do you say,
But at one point do you say, ok this is my home, you haven't stayed here in 3 years and this is no longer your room?
Now, that point is, now.
She is now an adult AND hasn't been there for visitation in 3 years. It's past time for her to get her stuff out. If she won't, your husband should.
I'd simply put everything
I'd simply put everything into trash bags and tell her she has a week to come and collect her belongings. Is the furniture in reasonable condition? If yes, donate it, if not then chuck it. Don't even mention it not being her space anymore. She hasn't been there in 3years, IMO, SHE has made it clear that it's no longer her home.
Are you uncomfortable packing
Are you uncomfortable packing up all of her stuff because you are worried about your husbands reaction?
When Spawn left our house and never returned I boxed up all of her belongings (nasty dirty clothes, purses with rotted food in them, used tampons and pads stuffed under the mattress) and put them in the garage. I did all the cleaning and packing while my DH was gone, so when he came home it was already done. He was not happy about it, but unless he wanted to unpack everything and put it back, the deed was done. Spawns furniture was taken to the dump or donated based off if it was still usable.
Reality was Spawn could have cared less about any of the stuff at our home. When DH met with her to drop off all her stuff she joked he could have just thrown it all away since it was mostly junk. I think that slap in the face was what DH needed to realize he valued her stuff way more than she did.
I like this. It's better to
I like this. It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. If the Bio has aproblem with it, he can unpack it all and put it back, give him some time after that make it your own. I doubt he will be bothered and I doubt he can actually be bothered to sort the room out himself either right now.
Here is my logic to this. You
Here is my logic to this. You have a guest room, so if she does suddenly decide to come for an overnight visit, she would have a place to sleep. Her clothes are 3 years old and likely don't even fit anymore.
I would bag/box up her room, put it in the garage and send her a text that it is time to go through all of this stuff. Tell her you are doing some redecorating and will have a dumpster there in a few weeks and need her to decide if she wants this stuff or if she is going to just trash it.
I would keep (even if she said to trash it) photo albums or anything that could be sentimental (Collections, awards, those kinds of things). Stick them up in the attic but don't trash them.
I for sure wouldn't "ask" her
I for sure wouldn't "ask" her. Tell her (or DH should tell her) that you're doing some remodeling and if she wants anything from her old room to come get it by x date. I'd even give her a long lead -- like a month. If she does, great. If she doesn't, get rid of it and go on with your plans. End of discussion.
I'd just treat it matter-of-factly. This is a normal thing and no need to walk on eggshells. If she reacts badly that's her waste of energy, not yours.
Dont ask dont tell still has
Dont ask dont tell still has its applications. This is one of them. Box up her crap, stick it in a shed, make the changes you want to your new space, and let her know that she has X time to come get her boxes or they go to GoodWill.
The furniture BM's Dad made,
The furniture BM's Dad made, very nice, would never trash it. I do not want it at my house though. Another battle I'll have to deal with DH and probably BM. I think my issue is I've never felt like this house I truly had a say over because it was the first "family" home for 3 years even though I've been here 15. Goes back to me not having a backbone and my husband not having a spine to stand up to BM and his two precious daughters. If this was a house we built together I would have no issue saying get your crap out. I feel like "they" meaning the now adult daughters have more say than me even though I've placed strict boundaries and disengaged. My husband won't stand up to them over anything.
My husband won't stand up to
My husband won't stand up to them over anything.
Then it's time for you to get a backbone and stand up for yourself and that means to your husband, as well.
I get not wanting to just trash her furniture, I wouldn't do that, either.
But, her crap and her furniture needs to go to her home, which I'm guessing is BM's?
Okay, before I read the other
Okay, before I read the other posts I'll say this.
It's been 3 years, she's not coming back. I thinkyou need to have a chat with the husband and talk about this and then the husband needs to say to her that he is going to box stuff up. If you have an attic, then put it in there. Maybe find anything that might be sentimental but give her a chance and opportunity to come and get it/sort through it. After that bin it. She is an adult, you have given her a choice and she didn't take it. Job done. Imagine you rented that room out and a lodger left and you asked him to collect his stuff and he didn't. YARD SALE!!!
Tell her she always has a place to come but since she's not using it you can put it to good use. Enough is enough.
Whiskey Lounge
We're turning Bratty's old room into a Whiskey Lounge for us. SO totally wants it too so that helped motivate him to deal with all the BS from Bratty when it came time to moving out.
Its gotta happen sooner or later - now is the time!
7 months...
So, when SDthen18now22 left and pretty much ghosted us and moved out, her funky room stood with the door closed for 7 months.
Thhen, one day, Husband stated he was doing a "dump run". I opened the door, and went to work. I bagged the trash (4-5 bags), binned the possible keeps (3 bins), and there were a few bags for donate. We took out the electric bed base, mattress, two dressers (which sold), a shabby chic vanity with mirror and table, a chair, and a few other things. Poof! My room with my clothes, plants, cool dtuff, a writing desk, a fish tank. Took the door off too, and now I watch sunset from there. Its gets the BEST light.
Just DO IT NOW>
I love this!!!
I love this!!!
My case is a little different
My case is a little different. SD is 14 and PAS'd out over a year ago refuses to even speak to us. We kept her room up for the first 9 months I would say. I packed everything up and took apart the bed. I turned the room in a full time homeschool/hang out area for the kids. Dh came home one day and saw the room completely overhauled. He didn't get mad, didn't say anything. A few days later he thanked me for doing it, it was something that had been weighing on him for awhile. A few weeks ago DH donated all of her belongings and it's done with.
You never know your DH might just need a little push. If you take the reins and start this project he might not even mind. I'd say go for it. It's your house now, you should be able to decorate and change things as you please.
Obviously, first step is to
Obviously, first step is to have a plan with your DH. Three years is a long time to maintain a room for an adult who doesn't visit.. and especially when other adult children don't have similar "benefits".
So, make your case for a home office.. craft room.. music room (if cleared out might be big enough).
then, the way to approach it with his daughter and BM is that "her old room needs to be cleaned out for X". And... tell them that he is sure they will want the furniture built by BM's grandfather.. and he wants to find out when they can come get it.. or do they need for him to deliver the goods?
I wouldn't phrase it as a request.. just a statement.. the "old" SD room is going to be changed to a new purpose. If they want the furniture and things.. he will accomodate that.. what do they want? If they say that SD shoudl have her room.. he can state that she hasn't visited for years.. none of the other kids maintain rooms.. she is an adult and no longer needs to have a room dedicated at his home.. if she wants to visit.. he will be sure she has a place to stay.