Living with an alcoholic stepson
I live with my partner and her 18yr old alcoholic son. Over the past 4yrs we have been dealing with his addictions. On top of that he has mental health issues. We have been in and out of hospitals and have made many calls to the police about his behaviour. When he drinks there is no stopping him. He is verbally abusive and can get physical. He has been living off and on with us and his grandmas house. My partner and I have butted heads about his behaviour and about living here. He does jack all nothing, doesnt work or attend school. I have made it clear that I dont want any drinking in our home but i get shut down for it. My partner and her family believe they have to keep him safe because he is a danger to himself and others when he drinks. The problem is that their way of keeping him safe is enabling. My partner stopped giving money a long time ago because he coud not be trusted but she allows him to drink at home. Watching and allowing him to kill himself with alcohol is mind boggling. I really think thats worst. Thats not all. My partners mother is the funder of his behaviour. She bribed him with $75 dollars a week if he would take online classes. Well the good thing he is taking courses. The bad thing is of course he buys drugs and alcohol with the money she gives him. She is old and cant handle him so he gets dumped at our place so my partner and i get to deal with it. This has affected our relationship so bad. I dont deal with it anymore. I know i cant control him or the situation. he will do what he wants and i have to just stop being angry and mad about it. For my sanity i have to seperate myself and it hasnt been easy. When he drinks i dont even stay in my own home. Its messed up i know. Getting into it with my gf does nothing but cause strain and stress. As his mother she will continue to make sure he is safe as will her family. I just dont know where i stand anymore in this and i dont how much i can take.
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You should not have to "take"
You should not have to "take" anything. This 18yo adult is 1) out of control and 2) not your problem.
However, his mother and grandmother enable him. As long as you live with your partner, you will be subjected to this sh*show. Likely for YEARS. Are you up for that?
Thanks
Thanks for the feedback. Where I live 18 is still considered youth. so leaving him out on the streets isnt quite permmitted. My partner say when he turns 19 that will be it he will be on his own. I love my partner, it's just really crappy to think that his illness is the reason for us breaking up. Really glad there is this place to vent
There are no easy answers
But your gf is delusional that her son will be moving out at 19. He has mental health and drug / alcohol abuse issues. That is not a person who will be launching magically in less than a year.
Im concerned this will be your life for a long time. This man will be a source of conflict and drama in your life.
Here's hoping I'm wrong!
You're right
You're right. I dont think he wil be out by 19. He cant even go out and do anything for himself unless its to feed his addictions. So getting a job is a long shot. Its already been a long road definitely cant go on if this continues. Everytime i mention what my gf and her family are doing they get defensive. Of course they would be. Im the person on the outside. Im not that kids parent And keeping him safe is all they can think of doing. But Nothing changes cause nothing changes. He's very selfserving. I feel like a broken record. I know what I have to do if this continues. Im hoping im wrong too.
Welcome to the site!
You are absolutely right that SS's mother and grandmother are enabling his behaviour. The term "co-dependent" was coined by Alcoholics Anonymous to describe the behaviour of partners or family enablers. If your partner thinks she is "keeping him safe" by allowing him to pickle his liver, destroy his long term health and abuse her verbally, she is very wrong. What sort of life is he ever going to have on this road? Better to be unsafe and at least have a chance of change, I would have thought. Unless your partner changes her approach towards her son, there is no chance that you will stop being angry - who could calmly stand by and approve this dysfunctional pattern? I think in your place I would need to distance myself more - maybe get my own place and only see your partner without her son.
Glad to to hear ur feed back.
Oh gosh I feel everything you're saying. I wished my partner and her family would too. He has never been accountable for anything in his life. Always has a safety net whenever he has gotten into trouble so he will never learn. We have offered every kind of help for him. Counselling, even an intervention like on tv. Sit around read our letter all that stuff but he laughed at them, and went out drinking the same day. Selfish and spoiled, he's far deep. He has gone to almost selling everything given to him from past birthdays and christmas gifts just to have money for his poison. How i get through this is reminding myself that thats their sh#$ and whatever they do and not do for him will be on them.
Who is supplying this 18 yr
Who is supplying this 18 yr old with alcohol? If he's buying it legally I would report the place he's buying it from. If an older person is buying it they're contibuting to the deliquency of a minor.
Suppliers
Its pretty easy for a minor to get alcohol and ciggarettes. Like he does everytime, makes friends with a homeless person sitting outside a liquor store and offers food or money they dont really care if they are contributing either. He's been doing it for years. Addicts are master manipulaters they'll say and do anything to get what they want.
What is sooooooooooooooooo
What is sooooooooooooooooo great about your "Partner" that YOU have made the decision to stay AND that you have decided to NOT cut sling load.
Partner
Shes a beautiful human being inside and out. She's a mother. A perpective i will never understand. In some ways i know shes stuck too. But i know how shes doing it isnt right either.
SD20 - same thing
My SD20, Feral Forger, is the same way, and has only gotten worse and not better. She lives with her mother because no one else wants to deal with her. Currently SD20 has no job (she had one up until a few months ago). She also has not signed up for community college classes, and has no drivers license, but is mad at DH because he promised a car as a graduation present almost 3 years ago. She still hasnt gotten her head out of her a$$.
Much like your situation, SD20, and her mother Toxic Troll are in this toxic feedback loop, where Feral Forger will go out and party with her friends, come back and be violent and mean and rude and yell at her mother. The mother will give her ultimatums that she doesnt follow through on. She just accepts it and continues enabling her daughter to continue being a druggie, alcoholic degenerate.
SD20 has asked famil members on DH's side, but everyone says "no". She has burned so many bridges with her lies and multiple false accusations, plus she is a dirty pig, no one wants to live with her. Oh - and much like your SS, she has mental instabilities - but she can still get and keep a job, if she wanted to. Right now she has discovered check forgery as being lucerative. A few months ago she stoll some blank checks from her mother and cashed them against multiple bank accounts. WE know this because one of them was an old child account linked to DH's bank account and he received notice of fraud and possibl elock out.
Currently BM Toxic Troll is "in between homes", staying with her crazy sister, in a 1-bedroom apartment. We dont know if Feral Forger is with her or somewhere else. TT doesnt have a job either, but she gets spousal support, child support as well as some disability, we think.
I think you have your eyes wide open on this one. You know its wrong what your partner is doing. You know this kid has no ambitions to change anything. You know the mother and grandmother are enabling him to continue this lifestyle. Lock up your banking and important stuff! And keep reading and posting here.
Toxic
Oh gosh too many toxic people involve and instead of helping they are making it worse. All of that is out of our hands. Sounds like your SD20 will do anything to get her way. My SS isnt there yet with stealing cheques but im sure he will go down that path if he doesnt get help. Being on the outside i really have no say so I let them be and self care is all i can do for myself. Im trying. It isnt easy. I have never been in this kind of situation. So i have no understanding about people with addictions. I havent tried any kind of drug or known anyone in my life who has this kind of illness. I even sought counselling but after going to a few sessions all i was doing was venting and not getting any good feedback. So im thankful you are sharing your story. I will definitely be posting here
They are all enabling, as
They are all enabling, as families often do with addicts - in the misguided belief that they are somehow keeping him safe by letting him use his drug of choice in their home, and by even buying it for him. This isn't really her being a "mother", it's her being "codependent" and enabling his spiral into eventual death. She's as addicted to him as he is to alcohol.
All you can do is find a good therapist to help you decide what your limits are.