BM LEAVING SS MOVING IN FULL TIME
I had hope that BM was bluffing about leaving for Dubain well she wasnt, she is leaving this weekend and SS 12 will be moving back in full time! Meaning he is there during school days, school weekends and school breaks. The horror!!! Not even BM got to stay with him full time why must i? She had breaks every weekend and the whole school break which i won't get because there is no where the child can go to visit. On top of that DH will now be supporting SS financially 100% on his own & our son 50% as he insists on sharing our 2 year old's son expenses half half. I am so dreading the weekend, i already feel sick to my stomach, I find SS very annoying, he is a liar and manipulative, he has bad manners and all that will become my problem to solve as his father sees nothing wrong with his son. He is perfect in his eyes so when i complain im called hateful. I'm going back to a depressing day to day life where i have to dread going home because it wont feel like home anymore, it wont be comfortable for me at all. I can see daily misunderstandings, arguements and judgements concerning SS, resentment, depression and anger.
My biggest concern is not having the chance to be alone have the privacy, freedom and intimacy that comes with being home alone, SS will always be there. I need a break from SS once in a while otherwise i will go crazy. Parenting expectations, discipline styles, agreeing on appropriate manners and house rules and house chores for SS will be a big problem as it was before. DH is that guilty dad who wants to be soft on the kid because he is afraid he will hate him or he will break. Then there is the privacy issue, SS will be around daily to witness everything that happens in our home and he will pass that information to his grandmother (MIL), all in laws and his mother through the phone. A home has to be a safe place where you feel safe and secure and you know what happens in your home stays in your home but with SS around that won't be the case and it bothers me, i wish it didnt but it does.
Then there is the issue of unrealistic expectations, DH wants to force SS on me and pressures me to see him as my son when i dont, his unrealistic expectations only make matters worse they make me rebel, put my defenses up and end up resentful. I hate it when he tells me SS is my son and i remind him he forgot the word "step", at the moment we are not in a place where i feel SS deserves the personal title of being called "Mine"
Then there is a matter of space we live in a two bedroomed apartment, i don't want my son sharing a room with SS because he is messy and clumsy. I want my son to have his own room which i can decorate as i please, which i can clean and manage and make sure it stays clean and neat, I don't want to have to be fighting with SS over leaving the bedroom messy so it's best he has his own bedroom, i dont want him sharing things with my son because whatever he uses or touches get's wrecked and ruined within a short space of time. SS fails to maintain the standards of anything, DH sees nothing wrong with SS12 and bio son 2 sharing a room, SS does not even want to share a room with my son, he wants his own bedroom that doesnt have any of bio son's push chair, toys and all that baby staff. Are we now supposed to move to a three or four bedroomed house to also spare a room for guests? The more kids you have the more expenses you got, we wouldnt need another bedroom if SS kept on living with his BM who doesnt have another child besdz SS so they wouldnt even need an extra bedroom.
I'm praying to God for strength, comfort, patience and hope that maybe things won't work out for BM in Dubai and she comes back and takes her son or she asks her son to follow her in Dubai. If neither of that happens then i will bear it for a year and after that SS starts high school at a boarding school, i will finally get to spend months without seeing his face for now i need to find a way to deal with SS moving back in. Hopefully since he is now grown up he is 12 maybe the challenges will be less, when i first met him he was 9 and very problamatic, he was very spoilt, childish and demanding as i was expected to do a lot of things for him now i dont have to anymore because I taught him to be independent and do his personal chores of which at the time the father was judging me calling me hateful and harsh but now his son is independent, he cooks, cleans, washes, irons and i got no thanks from neither SS or DH
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Comments
HOLD UP!
HOLD UP!
Why isn't he flying to BM's on school breaks? Also Why isn't BM paying CS if she is taking off and doesn't have him 50/50 anymore??
I long distance co parent with my ex. He lives 3,000 miles away. My kids go for Spring Break, 9 weeeks in the summer (their break is 11 weeks long), the week of Thanksgiving (they miss 2 days of school) and Dec 26- the day before school is back in session.
She wont pay CS because she
She wont pay CS because she doesnt care, leaving the country is just her way of running away from her child and having to support him financially, the law can't force someone out of the country to pay child support. He wont fly to Bm on school breaks because she will have all the excuses in the world why her son can't visit her there, she is just not interested, she is simply abandoning her child and all kinds of responsibility towards him, she can wants a child free life in Dubai, she did tell me once that she never wanted to keep her pregnancy DH is the one who begged her to not abort therefore SS is DH's full responsibility. She will never have another kid because being a mom cramps her style
Some countries have compacts
Some countries have compacts with other countries to enforce Child Support - like the US/Canada do - doubtful there is one with Dubai, though.
Wow.. that is all kinds of
Wow.. that is all kinds of heartbreaking to read.
I feel equally as bad for you as I do your SS. You guys are both getting the shaft by this woman!!!
So you have to pay 50% of
So you have to pay 50% of your son's expenses (which is fair), but BM pays ZERO? And doesn't ever see the kid? Why can't he fly to Dubai to see her?
Your DH sounds a major jerk to me, who only cares about his own needs and feelings.
If BM has her son the majority of the time why
Why isn't she taking SS with her and he only visits you guys on break?
(Also, kudos on teaching all those life skills. Most skids don't know how to do that stuff.)
he has bad manners and all
he has bad manners and all that will become my problem to solve as his father sees nothing wrong with his son.
What a issue you have here with a H who lacks the skills of instilling manners in his child and allows him to do as he pleases with no consequences.
DH wants to force SS on me and pressures me to see him as my son when i dont, his unrealistic expectations only make matters worse they make me rebel, put my defenses up and end up resentful.
Can you disengage from SS and have a serious talk with your H that you are NOT SS's mother and he needs to parent HIS child. Don't allow him to force you to do anything that is HIS responsibility.
Why didn't BM take him to Dubai? Why can't he go during breaks?
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing that why can't the kid go spend school breaks and summer with the BM. Is your DH paying CS to the BM as well? If BM wants the kid to live with your DH and you full time she should be paying CS to your DH.
Very sorry
First, even if he thinks she will not pay a nickel, he needs to immediately file for CS. At some point, her passport will expire, she may want to come home, whatever.
Second, If you can at all afford it, i agree with 3 bedroooms. No need for guest, but teen sharing with toddler can be annoying.
third, family counseling is needed. DH needs to undertand, not your kid.
I agree with the above
I agree with the above posters. File for child support and add on her half of medical bills. There are a ton of things you aren't allowed to do in the states until that is satisfied.
Don't they also garish social security?
Act now...
If you haven't already, please get into marriage counseling. Its not a magic fix, but at a minimum, the therapist will help you set up some boundaries/rules with DH as they pertain to SS. i.e. Rules for the home, chores, consequences, division of household labor, the degree to which you help with SS. Keep a journal, i.e. on xx date, SS refused to cleanup his room, DH did not discipline, I asked DH to please parent his son with basic cleanliness, and DH accused me of being 'mean'. This will give the therapist something to work with, otherwise you will be wracking your brain for examples in the moment.
If you can swing it, move to a bigger space.
I agree with everyone who
I agree with everyone who insists on filing for cs and half of medical expenses. You have a say in your partnership, and this should be non negotiable. You can couch it as, if your H expects you to do your part and help with SS, he must do his part as well. This was the single thing that cause the most resentment for me, so don't delay in handling it.
You might also consider filling up you calendar with activities suitable for a two year old. Baby and me fitness classes, story time at the library, mommy groups, toddler activities etc all designed to keep you occupied and away from SS. Exploit the age difference as much as possible. Do you have family in the region? If so, visit regularly. Go on weekends, even if it means renting a room on AirBnB.
'DH is that guilty dad who
'DH is that guilty dad who wants to be soft on the kid because he is afraid he will hate him'
Ok so if he's now with you full time then now is the time to get basic ground rules in place. DH needs to understand that your house will be a much nicer place for everyone to live if there's structure, expectations and consequences when these aren't met. If he's not going to listen to you, do it through a marriage counsellor.
But where you have a major advantage now to combat Disney Dad's guilt is that whether SS hates him or not, he has nowhere else to go. SS can whinge on the phone all he likes to BM but that's all it will be - he can't play one parent off against the other and decide to move homes when he doesn't particularly like the rules in one place. So that should make it easier for you to stick to pre-agreed rules and boundaries etc.
You might have it tough initially though... I would think no matter what reason BM has given him, SS will be feeling pretty crap that his mom's swanning off and leaving him. He can't take it out on her because she's not there so you guys get it instead. That's another reason why clear rules and boundaries will be so important now - SS will need the security (another thing to point out to DH).