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When can skids decide where to live?

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Sun, 06/30/2019 - 5:05pm

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General Discussion

Wondering if anyone has experience going to court and a judge letting skid decide where they want to live? SD is 11 and DH and BM have 50/50 on paper but SD decided she wants to live with BM. DH was ok with this at first because we were still seeing SD on weekends but now she doesn’t even want to come on weekends. DH thinks if he goes to court, SD will be able to choose where to stay (because of her age) and it will be a waste of money that he really doesn’t have. Any advice? 

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Sun, 06/30/2019 - 6:06pm

There is no state where a child can decide where they live.  After certain ages the court will listen to their preferences but it will always rule in their best interest until the age of majority.  If a kid could make the choice for themselves then all it would take would be a motion to dismiss stating that the child was X age and the case would be over.  That doesn't happen.  But instead of asking for advice online, your DH really should be speaking with an attorney.  This is his child and if he is really considering not fighting for his rights then he needs to be fully aware of what he is doing.  Just letting her drift away based on a false assumption and not wanting to spend money is a cop out.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Sun, 06/30/2019 - 6:42pm

I guess that’s what I was thinking, how much they would take into account SDs preference. I’ve been trying to get him to go to court for years so I’m not counting on it happening. They’ve always just worked arrangements out between themselves. Just wondering if his thinking was realistic or not. But I do agree it’s a cop out! Thanks! 

stepmominhiding's picture

Submitted by stepmominhiding on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 7:15am

Hardly any.  If there was geat concern, it would be If the child states that dad is hardly there, if he felt mistreated and gave specific accounts of the mistreatment.  But as a teenager,  their petty reasoning it's hardly ever ACTUALLY listened to. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:29am

Yeah, she wants to stay with BM for probably 2 reasons. 1 is because BM was not in her life for a very long time and now that she has her back she doesn’t want to leave and 2. Its the fun house. 

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Sun, 06/30/2019 - 7:51pm

Decide where they want to live.  A judge or Guardian At Litem MAY listen to the kid.  Now if the kid says, parent A drinks or Parent B has no place for me to do my homework (which does not have to be child's own room, can be dining room table), Judge or GAL may listen, but hopefully will try to verify. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:31am

It’s funny because we had her full time for many years because of BMs drug issues. But she doesn’t care about any of that. There’s some major PAS/brainwashing going on I believe. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 6:15am

Not 11. But at this point, he's let her stay there so long, there is no doubt in my mind the court will give BM custody. What's he going to say, she's not safe over there? After he let her stay there so long?  They'd give him EOWE unless he can give evidence of problems.  He's shot himself in the foot with this one.

At 11 the court won't let her decide, but if she refuses to visit, he's in for a long battle.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:28am

That’s all he really wants is weekends. We had her full time for about 6 years and when BM came back into her life SD wanted to stay with her. I was just wondering if it ever got to the point of him going to court, how much they would take things into consideration. At this point she’s not wanting to come over at all so not sure what he’s going to do. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:49am

He needs to spend $150 and talk with a lawyer for an hour. His questions will be answered, otherwise it is all just guess work and hypotheticals. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:54am

Oh I agree, I just don’t think he’s ever going to do it. I’ve been trying to get him to go to court for years. It’s just ridiculous at this point so figured I would see if anyone has been through something similar. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 10:55am

I don't blame him. We spent 50K in court and SS refused to speak to DH for 3 years.  If she refuses to visit, there will be repeated court dates, evaluations, contempt petitions, therapists, adjournments, etc - does he want to deal with that?

All that will happen is that no one will enforce the order, BM will PAS the ever-lovin' crap out of SD to keep custody, and SD will still refuse to come over.

I know you think he's wrong, but having experienced court, I think he's doing the right thing. Keep the lines open with SD11 and let it go.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 11:12am

I definitely see that side as well. We went from having her full time to hardly seeing her at all within months. I definitely don’t want him throwing that kind of money down the drain (he doesn’t have it anyway). I just wish she would wake up. We raised her and now she wants nothing to do with us. It’s insanity. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:53am

 

Is worth the money.  Do you really want a child that does not want to be with you ?  BM house is the fun house No rules, SS run the show there. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:56am

I’m ok either way. We had her full time for most of her life. My daughter misses her so it would be nice to at least see her once a week. But it’s all on DH. And that’s exactly what it is, she runs the show at BMs and that doesn’t fly at our house.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 3:43pm

The knife cuts both ways - decreased time will increase child support.

PLus, less time equals more bs - she is NEEDING rules.

Courts prefer 50/50 from what I have seen. Get advice from a lawyer, do not let 11-year old dictate schedule.

13-year old tries saying "mom said I could choose", meaning she can sty with us any time. She eats a lot, and is expensive to entertain. Yesterday she is telling me we need to buy a travel trailer. Im like "well start making some money because we are maxed out!" I definitely dont want to squash her hopes and dreams but I dont want to be expected to finance them either.

You need to get on DH - dont let him be lazy NOW - he will regret it later.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Mon, 07/01/2019 - 9:54pm

Yup, they technically have had 50/50 since SD was 2 but we had her full time from age 5-11 with no child support from BM since DH would never take her to court (that’s what I was always on him for in the past). I think he is seeing it as it’s BMs turn, I have no idea, but I’m sure if she ever decides to take him to court he will have to pay especially since there’s no record of us ever having her full time. Huge mess on his part. I can’t even comprehend why everyone is letting SD call all the shots. 

Juststepmomming's picture

Submitted by Juststepmomming on Wed, 07/03/2019 - 12:39pm

Best advice...spend a day in family court and listen to the way the judge responds to some of the cases.  This will give you an idea of how a judge thinks and how you need to build your case.  And then if BM gets a lawyer that is friendly with the judge, you will more than likely spend a whole bunch of money for nothing!! Make sure you get a laywer who is near the court house and knows the judge well also!!